Engagment

Being engaged is not quite how i thought.  There is a whole lot more stress involved in planning the whole thing than i remembered from my sisters weddings, and a whole lot more to think about that i realized.  maybe its just because my sister is planning this, and has been working on planning this for the last who knows how many years.  I've also discovered that I can't think about all the plans too much, or I stress myself out more than is healthy for me.  it is really lame that there is such a distance involved too.

there are a lot of nice things about it too.  knowing that i won't ever have to say good-bye to him again is definitely a plus, and something i am looking forward to.  it also means that in the future (long in the future at this point) i know we'll be able to have a family, and i'll be able to have kids of my own.  I love Jen's kids, and they are much like my own, but having my own is something I've long looked forward to (yes, it is something i wanted, even while planning my hermiting in the woods).

it will all work out eventually.  i just have to remember to take this one day at a time, and not try and plan everything all at once.

Untitled

She could feel the stress and frustrations of the last few days building and growing with each additional failed call.    In all reality, the job wasn't hard, but it seemed impossible with each passing minute of failure, hitting hard and strong.  she worked hard not to take her knife to the favorite spot it likes to go on her forearm, instead, working on taking deep and even breaths, drinking large amounts of water.  She cringes every time the manager walks by her chair, just waiting for the time he says "You have to go, you still aren't doing well enough."  Painfully, she sits still, bursting with energy, wanting to let it all out, but not knowing how it will go.  The knife sits in her pocket, calling her, pleading to be used to let out the energy bottled up inside.  Forcefully, she tries to think of something else, anything else, hoping beyond hope that the moment will pass, pleading with God to let this moment pass.  And slowly, minute by creeping minute, it does.  Then she goes home, the frustration kept in, and no one at home any the wiser as to what has been going on inside.  No one knowing about the struggle, the personal battle.  And still, the knife waits, calling in her pocket, longing to be used.

Austrailian Mimi Dolls

I helped out at Red Butte Gardens on Saturday.

Getting there was an adventure.  First off, it was raining hard.  so it was kind of hard to see road signs as is.  Secondly, I was driving somewhere I'd never driven before, so that was interesting.  I had directions in one hand, trying to make sure that I was going the right place, and venturing to the opposite side of the valley.  Thirdly, I was driving through a part of the freeway that people who have a lot of experience driving there get lost in.  it was exciting, to say the least.

It was great fun, once I got there, and I ended up learning a lot.  I ended up visiting Australia.  We made Austrailian Mimi Dolls, based off the Aboriginal Mimi spirits.  I learned they are spirits, and some are good, and help people learn to make fire, and to hunt Kangaroos.  Some are bad, and ate people.  We just made them out of cloths pins, but in real life, they are much bigger than that.

They also had some fun instruments.  they had those cool wood frogs that sound like a real frog when you rub them.  they had a digeridoo, too, which was fun.  I tried to play it, and it sounded okay.  not like it really should. i could get it sounding kind of right, but it didn't sound at all like it should.

Overall, it was a blast.  I wish I was able to help out more of the days.  Sadly, I'm working nights, and this does, of course, take place at night.

There's nothing quite like it

The sun on my back while wearing dark clothes
hugs from that person you never see
A cat by your side when you don't feel good and all
A first kiss
The smell of fresh baked bread
The feel of warm clothes as they come out of the dryer

Any additions to the list?

what happened to unbiased?

Since elections are almost upon us, at work we've been doing almost nothing besides political surveys and polls. my favorite kind are what we call "two minute specials"  basically, are you going to vote, in this election, who are you voting for, and does this make a difference to you at all.  most of them really are unbiased, and we can't tell who is doing the survey.
one survey we are currently working on, takes place is Bexar (say it BEAR, not BEX-ar) county.  its the same basic idea.  here's a list of names, do you have a positive or negative oppnion of the person?  great, in this election, who are you voting for?  and now i'm going to read you some information about the two candidates, to see if it changes your vote.  it goes on, at that point, regardless of who you said you were going to vote for, for about 5 minutes about this one candidate.  telling all the great things he's done for the county, and that he's been there for so long, and whatnot.  well, thats great... but what about information about the other candidate?  oh yeah.  lets throw in two negative statements about her, so that no one will remember her, and won't like her.  thats a good idea, and it won't bias it at all...

right...

Life is.... life

Life since my last update hasn't been to eventful.  I finally found a job, and my dearest is still up in Idaho at school.  I'm still in Utah, at home, and feeling more and more like a hermit.
The job I found is not at all what I wanted.  I've worked for the place before, and it isn't my exact favourite job. Its working in a call center, doing telephone surveys with people.  I'm working nights and Saturdays, so I hardly ever see my family.  I see dad for maybe a couple hours in the evening (if at all that night), Dante for a couple hours in the morning, and mom for a couple hours both times.  I chat with people online, sometimes, but because i'm home during the day, and they are at class/working during the day, I hardly ever get to talk to people that way either.  The only people I ever get to talk to are at work, and people on the phone, and they generally aren't really happy to talk to me.  BUT, its a job.  It's a paycheck.  It's money in my account so I (hopefully) won't have to take out any student loans.  I shouldn't complaine, and I should be grateful.  Thats the lesson i'm learning at this time.  To be greatful for what I do have in life, and not wish for what I don't.

Having my dearest up in Idaho has been hard, to say the least.  Another good friend has recently found himself his first love, which is amazing for him.  And I really and truly am happy for him.  Its fun to hear of his new adventure into this stage of life, and remember my first ventures down the road (which seems a long time ago.  was it really only 4 years?).  at the same time, hearing about it is sometimes hard.  it makes me miss what i don't have.  I look forward to the future, and count the days till the next known time we will at least be in the same state.

The last couple weeks, Dante has been off track, and has been keeping me company.  Monday, he'll go back to school, and I realized I'll be home by myself every day.  I'll see my family less, and become even more of a hermit.  Before, when I worked where I worked, I wanted to be a hermit, and spend as much time away from my family as possible.  Now, I want to see them.  Working during the day is my preference.  I want to see my family, and spend as much time with them as possible.  What a change.

Life certianly is interesting.  It throws a lot of twists and turns at us that are unexpected.  Who ever knew this would come?  God certianly has a sense of humor.

feeling like an update

I'm not even sure what I have to update, just that I feel like I should.
warning, this is probably not very coherient.
life is the same as it has been.  looking for a job, upon more looking for a job.  I filled out an application with a temp agency a couple days ago, and asked where I had put in an application.  I couldn't even start to fill it out, because I've lost track of where I have (unless someone mentions a place, I then remember if I have or not), so I don't know how much help it will be.  I do have an interview with a different temp agency tomorrow, which is exciting.  I also have a job opportunity in Idaho for two weeks (with the guy that I like), which I'm trying to decide if I want to take or not (or, more correctly, trying to decide how to ask if it would be okay if i did it).
job hunting is no fun.

my mind has been filled recently with a lot of difficult questions, all relationship related, which no one seems to have answers to, and which i know that i can only decide for myself.  life is confusing, and full of questions.  i sometimes wish that i didn't have to grow up, that i could stay little forever, so that i don't have to deal with growing up.  growing up is hard, and makes life a lot more complicated.  it has a lot of questions that all demand answering, even if we don't want to answer.  they come back knocking again if you don't answer them when they want you to.

and thats life

Being home, again

For the first time in about two years, I'm home for more than two weeks.  Its a weird feeling.  I'm remembering why I hate coming home, what all comes with being a real person in the real world, and why I just like school better.
This last week was full of family, and events, and getting ready for them to come, and then making sure they have everything to leave again.  I lost my guaranteed part-time job (even though it wouldn't have payed like it), so now I'm totally jobless, and honestly, I'm tired of looking.  I know I need to, so I still put in a half-hearted effort, but its not what it should be.  I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of waiting for the phone to ring when I'm sure that it wont.  I think its dumb that I have to honestly answer a question saying that if I'm hired, I'll only be there for the next 0-6 months.  I'm fairly certain that the companies are discriminating against me because I won't be there that  long.
I'm tired of being the obedient and helpful daughter that I've always been.  Maybe the lack of a normal childhood is finally catching up to me, and I'm hitting my rebellious stage.  Somehow, I doubt it.  I feel the depression sneaking back into my life.  I'm skipping lunches again, and if people weren't around, I'm fairly certain I would only be eating dinner.
For the first time in my life, I have a boy in the same state as me that likes me as much as I like him.  He's only a 40 minute drive away.  Its amazing how far 40 minutes becomes when neither person has transportation, and public transportation doesn't go between the two places.  It may as well be different states.  And although I've gotten to see him a lot more this summer than I ever expected to (I honestly, didn't expect to see him until next May), it still feels like forever away.  And I'm fairly certain that this time of leaving will be a lot harder the last.
I suddenly remember how much mom and dad argue.  Its not as much as it was before I left for Tennessee, for which I am most thankful, but it is still a lot, and it reminds me how hard I have to fight myself to not argue with everyone over everything, and how much more often I do it here at home than I do other places.
I'm always more depressed at home, and I never know why.  Its been said that your subconscious remembers things, and that certain places will trigger old emotions, old thoughts, and etc.  I find this to generally be really true.  Maybe that's what has been triggering this recently.
I long for life to be back to how I remember it being.  Happy while no one else is around, excited for work, waiting for school to start again, and nothing else going on.

Becoming a leader

WARNING:  This starts out as more of a rant, but it turns into more phylisophical at the end.
For one of my classes, Facility Management (lovingly referred to throughout the semester as my one hated class), we were put in groups of two, and told to do these huge projects.  One project was to come up with the idea for a facility, and see why it would work in a certain area.  We chose to do a rock climbing gym, and the location here in Rexburg, Idaho.  There was a lot of work to go into it.  A lot of research, and putting things together.  My partner was less than enthusiastic about helping.  Also, he missed classes rather regularly, and had the tact of missing the classes where our teacher talked about the important information going into the papers and the project.  It didn't bother me at first, figuring that he had his half of the work to do, and I had mine. As long as he got his half done, I would be okay with it.  We never met out of class (even though it was highly suggested we meet at least once weekly so that we both know and understand the research that was being done), and we hardly communicated.  Oh, and did I mention that I was the one who made sure that everything got done?  The project came due, and he was supposed to email me his half of the work, and I would put it all together, print it out, and bring it to class.  All night, I looked and I looked for his email... it never came.  Instead, I worked on his half, and pulled some stuff together.  It was a horrible job, but at least it was something.  Happily, I found out later that it was some sort of error in the system, and that he had sent it, I just never got it.  The next project included taking that first project, with all of the research, and all of everything that we had just done, and turning it into an essay.  Again, I was the one who had to make sure that everything got done, to suggest ideas, and to put it all together, and bring it to class.  Lastly, for the final, we had to do a presentation about our facility, and try and sell it to the "board members" (aka, the other members of the class) to get funding for it, and show them why it was a good idea.  I had to email him two or three times just to let him know what all was required for said presentaion, and put it all together.  He just basically looked at it, and presented half of the information.  I'm glad that the partnership is done, and I'm hoping that I learned a lot from it, and how to be a better partner.
After our presentation, I stayed after class to talk to our teacher about the essay, and why it wasn't good, and some extra credit that I had done.  She asked me about the partnership, and then made this comment "But you didn't complain at all..."  It made me think, and wonder.  I did plenty of complaining, to myself, sometimes to my roommates and other friends, but no, she never heard about it.  She was almost asking why, but didn't so I didn't offer the information.  I don't know if I would have had an answer at that point in time anyhow.  I have been thinking about it ever sense.  I think I came up with my answer.  I needed to prove to myself that I could be that leader, that I could take charge in a situation and make things happen.  I did a little bit on my mission, and I saw that change.  But on my mission, my companion was motivated, and wanted to go do the work.  This was different.  My parter had no motivation, and was less than enthusiastic about helping out.  So, I showed to myself that I could do it, that I could be a leader, even when they didn't need it.  And I didn't complain.  If it was a professional setting, I wouldn't be able to complain and have things magically change.  I proved it to myself that I could lead.  I could take charge when I needed to.  This has been especially helpful in the last month or so, in a dating and love life sense.  But that is a completely different story, that I'm not quite sure how it worked.  I'm still processing that one.  But, most important from this experience, I learned that I can lead, and I can do it well.  It isn't with force, and making the other person to do it, but how to lead gently, giving timely reminders, and how to let the other person have some accountability, when they need to take it.  I can't be responsible for their success, and I can't necessarily pull them along.  If it is important to me, I will do the extra work necessary, but I can also let things go, and let the other person be responsible for their half of the work load.

Reflecting on life

After realizing that it has been more than a month since I've updated, I figured it might be time to update on my life.  Life has been pretty good, all things considered.  It has definitely been weird, and quite unexpected, but honestly, I don't think I can complain.  I'm excited for classes (and one in particular) to be done with.  But at the same time, I'm also going to miss being here, and seeing people.  I started out the semester dreading it, and trying to avoid my roommates, but now, most of them are good friends, and I know I'm going to miss them.  Two of them are planning on a mission, which I can support, but it also means that I'll see them who knows when again.  Especially since I've gotten a lot worse at keeping in touch with people since coming home from my mission.
In my Experiential Education class, we made a alpha-poem.  You know, those ones where you put a word vertically, and have to fill in horizontally other words dealing with the vertical word, and starting with the letters of the vertical word?  Anyhow, we did that today, with the word Experience, and I think that it fits my life fairly well.
in Every
  eXperience
   People
   Engage
   Rigerously
   In
   Exciting
   New
   Challenges
   Everywhere

My life recently has indeed been full of challenges everywhere, and of every shape and kind.  I've been forced to become the leader of a (two person) group project, and pull the other member along to get anything done. this has been a continuing challenge, because I hate being the leader.  I know that i can do it, and this helps to reinforce that in my mind, and so its good for me, I just wish it didn't have to happen.  One of my favorite things that happened this semester was that I got the opportunity to work at a ropes course.  I learned about safety and maintenance,  I learned how to facilitate activities there, I refreshed on some of my knot tying skills, I learned a lot of stuff, and was able to spend some time outdoors, when I otherwise wouldn't have been able to.  This semester has been one of my favorite ones up here.  I didn't have to fight my depression as much as I was expecting to.  I ended up with better experiences, and much better roommates than I expected to.
I'm sad to have it be ended so soon.  I learned a lot this semester.  I grew a lot.  I have had a lot of experiences that I know that I needed to have.  People that I know I needed to meet, and get to know.  Life is good.  How could I complain?

Lessons from the Flower Bed

While home for the weekend, I started work on my poor neglected flower box. It hasn't been touched (basically) since I left on my mission, two years ago. Mom took the opportunity to plant some Grape Hyacinths in there in the spring this year (unbeknownst to me while I was up at school). she informed me of this while I was looking at my box, trying to determine if any of the plants that were supposed to be annuals were still there. They weren't there, sadly. So, I started work on my box, and per Mom's request, making sure to go around the Grape Hyacinths. While I was working on it, I thought to myself just how much easier it would be to tear it all up, and start again, and just forget the Grape Hyacinths. My mind then wandered to the gospel, and I realized that although there are times in life it might seem easier just to rip everything out and start over, is it really worth it? if we were to compare the Grape Hyacinths to the gospel, and the flower bed to life in general, would it really be worth it? Would it really be worth loosing the gospel, just to make life easier to start over with it all? I thought about some friends who are struggling right now in their life with different issues and temptations and wondered, would their life be easier if they just gave up on everything, and just started over?
It made me stop and think. Yes, it might seem easier in the short term to just rip it all out, start fresh, and forget everything that you once knew. But how would life without the gospel, without having that center in Christ really feel and work? Having that in life is indeed a strength in hard times.
As I kept working in the box, getting rid of weeds here, moving an ant trap there, it made me keep thinking. As long as I knew some boundaries (made by going in with a small hand shovel, and sometimes just fingers), and knew what parts were the Grape Hyacinths, I was able to easily avoid digging them up. I could take the big shovel, and just get all the other stuff out of there, and start completely fresh. Same with life. As we get in there, and take great care, noticing which parts are worth saving, which parts will continue to help us in life, we can make sure to go far around them. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, and we have to carefully go through everything to know which is which, but it is so worth it in the end.

May 28, 2008

Two years ago, I entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. How little i knew then that the experiences that I would have there, and in the 18 months that followed would change my life forever. I look back on that day, and see just how scared I was. I was literally being cut off from the world I knew, and being thrown into something foreign. At the time, I'll be honest, I was a bit angry with God for Him telling me I needed to go. But I listened, and I went, and now, I am so thankful that I did. I learned so much about myself, and about life. I learned much more about the gospel than I ever could have staying at home, and going to school (and possibly getting married). I look back on that day with a lot more appreciation than I had on that day. I look back, and I see myself entering, and being such a small girl. Now I am home, and I've grown. I've had at least one person say to me "Melinda, you aren't the same girl you were before your mission" and it makes me happy. It shows me again and again just how right God is, and always will be, even if we don't like what He wants us to do.

Mario Paint Music

This show's how much of a geek I am, but I thought this was really cool.

one more here

Remembering and Thinking

Recently, with the warmer weather, and having a lot of time on my hands again, I turn to thinking about just last year this time of year. I was a missionary in a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee (the exact center of Tennessee). I was with a sister that I got along with amazingly well (probably almost better than most of my other companions), and things seemed to be going pretty good. We didn't have a lot of people to teach, so we spent a lot of time trying to find more people to teach. There had been a tornado not too long ago (the Friday before Easter last year, which seems like it was around this time of year). It was extremely warm outside (we were just getting to the weather where we stepped outside for 5 minutes and were drenched in sweat), and life was good. I remember a couple people in particular in that area that we enjoyed visiting a lot, and remember the times we had with them quite fondly.
In the present day, and not a year ago, things are not quite the same. I'm in southeast Idaho, going to school, and have roommates that are...interesting. I read about a friend who is changing jobs, and feel's like he is dying to the world he knew. He had a purpose in life, and people he cared about. As I think back on the time I had in Murfreesboro, it makes me feel almost like I have no purpose in life right now. I'm just kind of going through life with no direction. I miss having that daily purpose of bringing others closer to Christ, and helping them come to understand better that He is their Savior. Life was good, and always full of things that needed to be done. It was full of people who wanted to listen to us (as well as people who definitely did not want to listen to us), and running to and fro from appointment to appointment, just to find out the people we had most hoped to be there decided they really didn't want to listen to us.
I miss those days a lot. I want to go back, want to have things in my life that seem of greater importance. Education is important, yes, but it doesn't feel important right now. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, trying to figure out what I need to be doing in life.

ramblings

WARNING: THIS POST IS RAMBLINGS STRAIGHT FROM MY MIND TO THIS POST

It's the beginning of the semester. Summer has come and it's beautiful outside. I don't know anyone. So, what do I do when its nice outside and I don't know anyone? I spend all day outside, away from my roommates. Today, my roommates got to experience my summer lifestyle first hand. I ate dinner, than went to do homework in the gardens (before it was dark and it was questionable to go there). As I was leaving, one of my roommates said "did she really just eat dinner then run off?"
Yes. Yes I bloody well did.
What's wrong with it?
I am also about to start hitting the roads of Rexburg at night again. Then my roommates will thinks I'm even more weird. I spend almost no time inside at home during the summer. I'll probably be spending more since now a lot of homework is due online, and a lot of reading is done online. But, I probably won't be home much. It is weird to think about. This whole new semester is weird. It almost feels like a missionary transfer, but instead of me going to a new area, I stayed in the area, and everyone else changed, and not just my companion (the sister I would serve with).
My roomates are great girls, so why do I avoid them? Why am I trying to see how much time I can spend away from time? And why do I do this more and more anymore? Why do I always in the summers dwell so much on the past, and have a hard time making new memories to replace them? I have been asking myself why a lot recently. Sadly, I also have no answers to go with all the whys

Lesson Learned

Last night, I watched Harry Potter 5, as I have only seen the end, and wanted to see it all. The kids joined me (mom and dad were at the store) when it got dark outside. After a while, they started falling asleep, so we said a small family prayer, and they went off to bed. As I was tucking Dante into bed, he told me "Mindy, do you know why I dont like to watch Harry Potter before bed?"
"No Dante, tell me why."
"Because it gives me bad dreams"
So, trying to be comforting, I explained to him about how we can pray before we go to bed to not have bad dreams, and how if we have a bad dream, we can pray for comfort and to not have any more. He seemed to accept it, and went to sleep.
This mornong, Rachel came into breakfast and proceeded to tell us about a bad dream that she had. Dante piped up and said "you should have prayed to not have bad dreams"
I was both amused by his response and was pleased he listend and learned.

Alive

I walk bearfoot outside, two plants in hand, and a basketfull over my arm. The sun is shining, and there is a slight breeze. Perfect day. No jacket needed. No shoes needed. The grass is growing, it smells wonderful outside. This is what it means to be alive. Just you and the elements. I grab a huge bag of dirt and start my hunt for pots for these plants. The grass is green and tender beneth my feet. It has been a long time since I have been allowed to walk bearfooted, and I feel every bump and curve in the dirt under the grass. I find what I'm looking for, and move to a place in the sun. It feels warm on my back, and gives me energy I haven't had in a long time. I start with rocks in the bottom of the pots. I have to go find the rocks, and dig them up since we don't seem to have any just lying about. It feels so good to go and dig around in the dirt. To feel the dirt under my fingernails, to feel the dirt in between my toes. It feels so good. I find the rocks, put them in the pots, and start pouring in the sandy bottom dirt. I tenderly, gently, convince the plants to come out of their plastic starter pots, and into a real pot, so they can grow, and get bigger. Some listen willingly, others listen a bit more stubbornly. They come out and into their new home. I cover them with wonderful rich dirt. It smells so good. So healthy. What more to life could one want? I finish moving them all. I get some water, and let them drink. They have been worked hard, and will likely go into shock. Hopefully they all will recover. I give them fresh, clean water to drink, and talk to them more. "You'll like your new home. It will give you plenty of room to grow with." I take them inside, and place them around the house. I take a deep breath and smell the fresh dirt, the smells of spring they brought in with them. I grab a book, and head back outside. This is what it means to be alive.

Change

I've written in the past about change, and how much change has gone on in the world, especially when I first got home from my mission. It was, as I put it then, bitter-sweet. It seems odd to me just how much life has changed, and this week, I am especially noticing just how much my family, my parents in particular, have changed.
The first changed I notice this week is just how much of a voice I no longer have in the family. I used to be able to be at least somewhat in charge of the kids, and they would listen, and do what I asked them too. I suppose too long out of the way makes it so that I am now just a playmate, and no longer Mindy Mommy. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that.
Next chnage I really noticed is that although my parents still argue a lot, it doesn't seem to be as much as when I was here before. It isn't over every single little detail that they argue. They just argue over some of the details. It is quite refreshing, honestly. While frist growing up, I never noticed it. But then after moving away for a while for school, and then comming home to it, I noticed it more. And now, I'm so happy it is less than before. I wonder what changed it?
Anotehr change I noticed is mom and dad's policy on some stuff. There used to be certian rules in place while I was growing up. One of the rules was that there would be no TV on before breakfast, and certianly not until homework was done after school. However, I've noticed that now, the TV comes on about as soon as mom wakes up (to check the weather for the day, I guess. She used to just listen to the radio alarm she has go off every morning, but I guess it doesn't do the job?), and is again on right as soon as they come home from school (it turns off during the day, since I don't enjoy watching it. I'll use it to watch a movie or something, but not more than that.). It used to not come on until about 5, so that she could watch her million channels of news (which she still does watch all million channels of news), and then sometimes go off until 10 for the nightly news. Now it seems to just be on all the time.
Another policy that has changed is the food policy. Mom and Dad used to be huge on "if you don't like it, go hungry." There were nights when yes, I did go hungry, but it taught me to appreciate the food I did like more, and to at least try and eat those food I absolutely hated. Now, they prepare something different for the kids when they don't like what is being eaten. A great example of this is a dinner we will be having later in the week. Spinach Crepe's. Mom, Dad and I all seem to think they are really really good. The kids aren't as much a fan of them as we are. So what happens? Wait, they get a quesadilla? No going hungry for the night?
All around, my parents seem to have gotten more lax on some of their rules. I'm not sure what to think of it all. On one hand, I think it is good that they have gotten lax on some things. Letting the kids eat something differetn for example, is one I might be okay with. It was something I had been pondering instituting with my own kids, just having them help (or when they are old enough make on their own) with whatever alternate food they would be eating. Some of the other changes that have happened around here... I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll just have to stick around and see what happens.

Saying Good-Bye

A song to listen to while you read here

It's the end of semester. Yesterday was the last day of tests, and now all my roomates are leaving. I've had no sleep (maybe 30 minutes all told), I've been saying good-bye to people all night. One roomate left at 2, one at 5, and then one is leaving at 10ish, but her ride is comming about 8sih to start packing her up. We also have been cleaning our apartment, and making sure that we have all of our packing done. Its been quite the night. We went out and had some great times since it was our last night togetehr as roomates. We ate way too much food (spending way too much money in the process), but man, it was so good. And, more, it was so much fun. Good memories, made just tonight.
I've always had a hard time with good-byes. Especially since I'm never quite sure when I'll see them again. Some people I know that I will see soon, but some, who knows? One friend that I said good-bye to, right before my mission, I still haven't been able to see, and I'm not sure when I'll get to (He's supposed to come up over Memorial Day weekend, but I'll be in Utah). It makes me sad, because here I had such good friends, and such meaningful relationships with these people. But then they are gone. It always leavs me feeling... empty. Wanting more in life, but not having anything new to fill it.
Many people tell me this is the pesimistic way of viewing things, and yes, it probably is, but there isn't much that I can do about it. That is just the way I am. I do often reflect in the past. Probably more than is healthy for me, but it can bring back some good memories. I know that as I reflect back on this semester, it is filled with many good times. I'm going to miss everyone so much, and already do, and they just left. No more having someone singing 24/7, no more person wanting to go on a mission asking missionary questions all the time, no more feeling like I need to protect someone else. Its all gone. It is hard to realize just how attached you get to someone, until they are gone.
It also brings up many qustions, having to move on. Will my new roomates be just as good? Will I be able to be attached to them also, or will I have roomates like I had once, who I could care less if I saw them again? Who am I going to go talk to when my roomates are driving me crazy and I just have to get out of the house? Who am I going to go to the temple with? An even bigger question, Will I ever see these people again? So many questions, with many different possible outcomes.
(Sigh) Life is really hard sometimes. It is hard to be an adult, and having to be responsible. I so want to just give up my responsiblity, and be 10 again. Life was good at 10. But even at 10, I still had to say good-bye.
I suppose that God is giving me a lesson in trust, again and still. Again, it is back to "Consider the Lilies." Learn to trust in God that he will provide, that whatever happens, really it is for the best. I have had a hard time with that for a long time. Why do certian things have to be how they are, and why do I have to learn that lesson right now? I have many conversations with God about life, and why now, and what His timing is for certian things. And just certian experiences in general. I feel them often to be one-sided converstions, and don't often feel an answer come back my way, but, that goes back to the lesson of "trust in God, He knows what is best."
This semester went way too fast for my liking. It is already April, and I got home about 4 months ago, and started to become "normal." When I first started this semester, I had some ideas of how it was going to go. And now the semester is done. It was an amazing semester, and everyone that made it amazing is going home. I'm not sure how this week home is going to go, because I'm going to come back here, and try and make things one way, but have them be another. This could be interesting

Faith, and Talking with God

The last few days have been an interesting few days. I spent a large part of last week looking for a job for next semester, and on Thursday, was offered a job. I accepted, and started training on Friday. That night, I had my past come back to haunt me, and got majorly depressed. Saturday, I spent a large portion of the day talking with God. He gave me an answer that I wasnt happy with, but had come to accept. The answer He seemed to give was in the form of a song. It is a song I am only vaguely famliar with, but was able to think of the first line of the song. It is called Consider the Lilies, based on a scripture found in Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount. The basis of the scripture (and song) is that the flowers can't cloth themselves, and that God will provide for them, and take care of them. I am in a tight spot for next semester, and barely have enough for tuition, and so I thought a job was the right answer (especially since I don't qualify for financial aid exept for loans). Now, God seems to be telling me otherwise. This is where faith kicks in, and I have to trust. I havent completely made up my mind as to what I plan on doing, but I have to exercise faith. God will provide a way. I just need to figure out what that way is. I think I'll be doing a lot of talking with God over the next few days.

Parenting

In one of my classes today, we talked about parenting, and dealing with children's emotions. As part of it, we watched these two videos. I enjoyed them a lot, so I hope you enjoy!

Video One

Video Two

Possibe Dish-Strike

Every semester, I somehow end up with the same problem. I end up doing all the dishes in the aprtment all the time. I don't mind, in fact I actually like doing dishes; I find it to be theraputic. The only problem lies in the fact that if I have a busy week, and don't have time to do any dishes except for the ones I just used to make/eat a meal, then we end up with a sink full of dishes that just sit there for days on end. I was talking it over with a friend yesterday, and they suggested going on strike, and just not doing any dishes except for my own any more. one problem with that is that we just use each others dishes, so I cant exactly just do my dishes, because other people will just use the clean dishes, and not do any. I really don't mind doing dishes, and I really don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I just want to know if there is a way to un-do what I tend to do every semester (namely spoiling my roomates and doing all the dishes), and help my roomates learn responsibility in this small way.
Any suggestions?

Lessons in Fencing

Today I was preparing a lesson for our FHE (a night students get together and have a spiritual thought and activity), based on the thought of scripture study. I found a talk that brought up some very valid points, and found some suggestions to give to the other students on how to tailor their scripture study to themselves. One of the ideas that was given was to define the unknown terms, so you understand what the scripture is saying.

In fencing, we recently learned a lot of different attacks, parries, and defences. The first day of class, she had some of the TA's demonstrate what we would be learning, and called out moves for them to do, and I sat back and wondered "will I ever get it all strait?" Today in class, I was thinking "I should find someone to practice with that can help me." I thought about it and realized that I don't know anyone who could help me practice. No one knows how to do anything I would need practice with. I could go up to my good friend SG and say "Hey, I need help with practicing fencing, so do an advance, and then feint four to six, then do a ballestra, and I'm going to retreat, then parry 4 and 6, and to a Passata-sotto. Ready, go!" but he would have no idea what any of that was, and no idea how to help me out. Even just a basic idea of what the term meant wouldn't be any help.

And then I put the two together.

Fencing can be like scripture study. There are a lot of terms in both that people might not understand. those people who have more practice with scriptural terms understand more of what is going on, and don't need to learn as much. similarly, I have a friend L (she got married recently, and I don't know her new last name), who has been fencing from the dawn of time, and understands what a passata-sotto, a bellestra, and many other things that I've never heard of are. As we get more practiced, we understand more, and can do more without help.

Carnivorous Plants

A friend introduced me today to the National Geographic Magazine online (not for the sake of introducing it, but to use it to show me about El nino years). I should have guessed that it would be online, since everything else is online, but I never looked into it. One of the things they had in there (I think it was for this months magazine) was all about carnivorous plants. Now, I learned a little bit about them in my ecology class, but one detail that slipped by me without noticing it was that these plants eat insects (and sometimes small animals) so that they can not get the carbon to create more mass that way. No, they use the animals in a different way. They use the animals and insects so that they can get nitrogen and phosphorus to be able to photosynthisise. How interesting! A Carnivorous plant who eats to photosynthesise! Now, if only those plants could teach me how to photosynthesise...

for some really cool pictures of these plants, go here

Organ recital 1

self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.

Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Huff Puff Ping-Pong

This is a video of a game we played in class today. Its called Huff Puff Ping-Pong. You blow the ping-pong ball around with straws, and try to get it over the goal. We played five intense rounds with people almost mashing each other and generally had fun and got some carpet burn. All while in class. Man, I love being a rec. major. :)

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

just for fun

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
a tomato

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Murfreesboro, TN

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
nope- never tried

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
my roomates

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:15-- i was done chatting at that time. :)

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
maybe

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
how about, ever been kissed?

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
tie between JW and BL

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yep

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Don't drink it- but its fine for others

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
i dont remember

12. Who took your profile picture?
me

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
people at Wheelchair Dodgeball

14. Was yesterday better than today?
about the same

15. Can you live a day without TV?
all the time

16. Are you upset about anything?
yep

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes

18. Are you a bad influence?
depends on who and what i am influincing

19. Night out or night in?
'pends on the night.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Air, water, food

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Ralph Roberts

22. What do/es the last text message in your inbox say?
dont got no texting :)

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
its there

24. Do you hate any one?
Satan

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Of course. Unless it was an Ibuprofen test when I have a headache

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
heck no!

27. What song is stuck in your head?
a christian song. i was listening to the christian station today. :)

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m. Who do you want it to be?
not a kidnapper or a hitperson

in the Snow

While in the Snow, you can usually hear all sorts of people practicing. A couple people just happened to be practicing this while I was trying to practice organ this morning. on one hand, it makes me jealous of their sweet skills, but on the other, it sounds really cool, and I'm glad there is someone in this world who has musical abilities to make really sweet music. Enjoy! (you'll want to turn the volume up quite a bit. This is inside my practice room, while listining to someone else practice, so its pretty quiet)

The Lord is my Shepherd

normally when I listen to the song The Lord is my Shepherd, I think about the fact that the Lord is my shepherd, and that He wants to lead me to a pasture where I will be able to partake of the word of God. Tonight, I heard it, and it struck me differently. In the second verse, it says:
Since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear.
He isnt just my shepherd, trying to feed me the word, he also is my Guardian- and he wants to protect me. It goes on to say:
Thy rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near. No harm can be fall with my Comforter near.
As my Guardian, he will protect me. His rod shall defend me. He will defend me from Satan, and wants to protect me from everything. He doesnt want any harm to come over me. He wants me to be comforted in my hard times, and wants me to be happy. The hard times will come, and Satan will attack. But we have someone better and stronger than us, a Guardian who will protect us with his staff.

Park Ranger

During some homework for a class, i got the opportunity to look up a job descriprion for a park ranger. i enjoyed it, and wanted to share. after all, its what i will hopefully one day be doing. :)

PARK RANGER
Do you like working directly with the public? As a park ranger for the National Park Service, you (1) interpret and explain park resources to visitors; (2) facilitate visitor enjoyment of the park and its resources; (3) help ensure visitor behavior that protects park resources and gain friendly compliance with the laws and rules for safe use of the park; and (4) encourage visitors to develop a sense of stewardship of park resources. You research and present interpretive programs, and present a variety of formal and informal programs including orientation talks, environmental education programs, conducted walks, demonstrations and campfire programs. You tell visitors about park facilities and resources such as visitor centers, campgrounds, historical sites and auditoriums. Other duties may include gathering information for reports, compiling statistical data, assisting with search and rescue efforts or helping to combat wild-land and structural fires.

Dirt is good

Change

Some friends and I have been talking recently about change. A lot of us are recently returned missionaries, and so change has been on our minds a lot. Being back at school just re-enforces those thoughts. Just how has my world changed? The kids grew up (and I got an addional one). That was probably the biggest change in my world. The kids were no longer my cute little kids that I had left behind. They went through some traumatic times while I was gone. And it affected them. In more mundane ways, the house I grew up in changed. It no longer looks like my house. The school I now attend has changed in so many ways. The buildings are different. The paths I took to school are different. there are different professors for my major (and the teachers I wished had left (for my minor classes) didn't). The friends I have here at school are all different. As I metnioned, most of us have recently gotten home, and apparently, that changes people. A lot of my friends are now gone- working real jobs, getting married and having kids, going on with life. Life doesnt just stop when one goes on a mission for the Lord. I almost wish it had. The life I left, though far from where I wanted it to be, was comfortable. And now its not. There were some changes that were hard, that I still feel the reprecussions of, but I suppose that is to be expected. Probably the biggest change in comming home was having to deal with stupid girly emotions. I was happily in a world where emotions didnt mean much. I had them, but they werent needed- so they stayed nicely tucked away in a box in the corner of my mind. And now, they are there again- and trying to run rampant even though I don't want that addition to my life yet.

A lot of the questions that come to mind are "How have I changed? I know my world has changed, but have I changed to my world?" It certainly doesn't feel like it. The kids say I did. One of the first things they said when I saw them was "Mindy, you've changed." On the cute side, when I first saw Dante again he said "Mindy, you shrank! No, Dante, I didnt shrink, you grew." Then after a few more minutes, he said "No, I didnt grow, you shrank." He was and is so cute.
Dante, the whole time I was home before I came back to shcool was "Mindy, you changed" I didnt like that, because they didn't like how I had changed. But I can't control if I changed or not, can I? I can control what aspects come out from being changed, but I cant change that I changed. Some of my friends say I am more social. Mostly, I think it is just that I'm not necessarily a fan of my home right now, so I'm out and about, avoiding it sometimes. Though, I could be considered more social becasue of it. Because of some experiences that I hated while going through them on my mission, I think I'm happier. That has to be good. But (according to the kids), also stricter in some things. We still have fun. But it isn't the same.

Yes. Life has definately changed. For the good? I'm still trying to figure it out. But one thing I do know is that it certianly has changed.

Philosophy of Life- brainstorming

In one of my classes, we have to come up with a Personal philosophy of life. In the dictionary, it defines philosophy as
"2.Investigation of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning rather than empirical methods."
that deffinition made the most sense of all the many deffintions. in my book, it says
a personal philosophy of life is something we all have, but many people have not thought about their own philosphy long enough to define it clearly
I'm not quite sure it would just be confined to those who havent thought about it long enough. I've been thinking about it for a couple days now, but I'm still not sure if I know what a personal Philosophy of life is, let alone what mine might be. the book goes on to give this encouragement
Understanding your Personal philosophy is important because it gives you an advantage in an internship interview and guides your search for fulfilling employment in recreation and leasure services
So, Apparantly it is realy important to have one of these. now, if they could have given an example one, that would have been nice, because this whole Philosophy of life thing has been confusing to me. though, it does give a bit of an example
A sound Personal Philosphy allows you to describe who you are and what life means to you. It also provides direction in your life by helping you recognize what things are important to you
so, a personal philosophy is something that describes how i look at life, and what is important to me, if i look at it right. so then the question becomes how do i get such a philosophy? luckally, the book seems to have some sort of answer for that too
to examine your personal philosophy it helps to condut a review of your life. How did you arive at this pioint in your life?
i arrived here by making plans, and working hard to reach those plans. i also had a childhood dream that i wanted to fulfill, and found a way to do so.
What life experiences have had a major impact upon your life?
i would think that childhood would ahve a big impact. the things we did (or sometimes didnt do) when i was a child. the trips we took. learning all the year round. going to the library weekly definately impacted my life.
who are the friends and relatives who have had an influence upon your life?
my siblings definately had impact on my life-they have encouraged me when times got hard, and in other times too. Jason and Brandon have also had an influence on my life. they encouraged me to go on a mission, and to stay focued on what God wanted me to do, instead of what I wanted to do. Sean- influenced how I think about people, and to an extent, how i communicate. the kids- also, how i think about and look at people. they help me to have something to relate to other people with (sometimes). Rachael- helped me to understand myself when i couldnt- sh e seemed to always be able to. President Hutcihngs- He helped me to be able to believe in myself, and knew what i was capable of, even if i didnt believe him.
What beliefs do you share with these people?
well, we all have the same religious background. we all know that we have a Loving Heavenly Father, and that Christ is our Saviour. we all believe some of the same basic things also.
What heros have you had while growing up? what was it about their lives that made them heros to you?
President Theodore Roosevelt- he started the National Parks- right where i want to work
my dad- he fixed everything, and made it all better

so, after answering all the questions, you are to take a mment to reflect on them.
...
...
and after a bit of thought, i think i may have come up with something!
that we have to trust in God, and know that he is in control. that we need to have fun in life, otherwise life is a drag. we have to take care of our planet, and make sure it is there to have fun in, and also for the future to have fun in

that, i think, is a start on a life philosopy. anyone else have a philosphy? i'm open to suggestions as to what one might be

Recreation- Aristotle Style

In one of my classes, we do a lot of reading (more than I would ever guess, since its a Recreation class-- shouldnt we recreate?), and in one of the readings we had today, i came across this, and it made me think.

Aristotle's discription of the good life contributes greatly to understanding the attributes of wholesome recreation. A central principle of the good life is the golden mean, or moderation; overindulgance hinders the attainment of the good life. According to this principle, it is possible to fish too much, ski too much, or watch too much television. Exceptions to this rule are gaining wisdom and understanding, which Aristotle described as limitless goods.

How much to I personally fall into the trap of overindulgance. I enjoy doing things, but do I enjoy it too much. Apparantly the one exception to this is homework, and other school work (good thing i'm a student right now, and so I can overindulge in it all I want). However, how many times as a student, or as any other person, do I take an activity and go to far with it?

To Aristotle, the crowing virtue of the good life is leasure. But leasure does not refer to idleness or napping; it refers to activites by which human beings learn and aquire intellectual virtues. The intellectual virtues such as art, knowledge, understnding, and wisdom are the highest virtues of the good life. For Arisotle, thinking and using our minds is a distinctly human activity and the ultimate purpose of leasure. To Aristotle then, ethical leasure activities must include thinking and reasoning. these activites may be practicle as gardening, cooking, or cabinet making,- all of which require skill or art- or as complex as scientific research, musical composition, and philosophical thought.

So just how many of my daily activites fit into "the good life" as defined by Aristotle? he's a pretty smart guy, and seems to know what he is talking about all the time, doesnt he? how will i need to change how i recreate, just so that i can make my life a better one?

Four charactaristics of ethical leasure have been derived from Aristotle's description of the good life. Intellectual activity, creative activity, meaningful relationships and moral behavior. In summer, Aristotle's good life is a life of reflection, a life of seeking that which is good and lasting. it is not a thoughtless life of passiveness and passivity, or a hedonistic life of seeking thrills and pleasure through artificial stimulants or exotic activites...

I suppose, that as long as you try and have some sort of recreation from all four of the areas, then you will be doing good? hopefully. that makes it all pretty easy to follow.

snow

I started my winter camping class (yes, I voluntarily signed up for a class that I get to go and klondike in... no, I don't know what i was thinking), and today the teacher showed us this film at the beginning of class. It led to a discussion of why do we even have a winter camping class, and why winter camping is different than regular camping. i thought it was just cool to begin a class with, so i wanted to share.

bitter sweet

So, I'm back at school, and expect everything to be fine, for the memeories I had created here before to just dissappear, or just be nice plesent reminders of the past. but they arent. i walk by something, and remember something like it was just yesterday. i listened to a talk once about emotions, and controlling them, and the guy said "memory has no age" and boy howdy, have i figured that one out these last two days. i walk around campus, and although everything has changed, it isnt necessarily for the better. i dont know how to get around campus any more, and there are buildings that have been built that i have to ask "what is that monstrosity is that? oh, its the MC, when did that happen. i thought they were finished two years ago with taht one." or "oh, wait, thats the size of the new auditorium? when did that happen?"
besides things i dont know being all around, i am barraged with a boat load of memories. some good memories that stayed good, some good memories that are now hurtful, and some dark memories that haunt the night hours. I spent a lonely day on Saturday moving in. i caught up with friends that night, but it was still hard. i wish my memory wasnt quite so attached to feeling things. i pass an apartment complex. "oh, so and so used to live there. now they are back home and working, and dating people, and i'll probably never see them again..." i pass the gardens "man, i wish it was summer right now. I would love to go back and see what they added to the gardens, and be able to study there now." pass another apartment complex, "man, why did she have to go do student teaching, she was supposed to be here." and the feelings that go with them all, they are still fresh, no matter how hard i try to make them not. it is wierd, because i want to be happy for the people, but it is hard. it makes comming up here bitter sweet. i was hoping for a nice smooth transition from the life of a missionary to the life of a student, but it isnt happening. maybe one day, it will. for now, i'll just live life in my mind, and try to remember the sweet parts of comming back, going to stadium singing and hearing songs, that were put there just for me tonight. friends that i havent seen in 3-4 years because of going on missions, the snow (i really missed it) some time to myself (although it still freaks me out when i do have it), and other such things.