For the first time in about two years, I'm home for more than two weeks. Its a weird feeling. I'm remembering why I hate coming home, what all comes with being a real person in the real world, and why I just like school better.
This last week was full of family, and events, and getting ready for them to come, and then making sure they have everything to leave again. I lost my guaranteed part-time job (even though it wouldn't have payed like it), so now I'm totally jobless, and honestly, I'm tired of looking. I know I need to, so I still put in a half-hearted effort, but its not what it should be. I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of waiting for the phone to ring when I'm sure that it wont. I think its dumb that I have to honestly answer a question saying that if I'm hired, I'll only be there for the next 0-6 months. I'm fairly certain that the companies are discriminating against me because I won't be there that long.
I'm tired of being the obedient and helpful daughter that I've always been. Maybe the lack of a normal childhood is finally catching up to me, and I'm hitting my rebellious stage. Somehow, I doubt it. I feel the depression sneaking back into my life. I'm skipping lunches again, and if people weren't around, I'm fairly certain I would only be eating dinner.
For the first time in my life, I have a boy in the same state as me that likes me as much as I like him. He's only a 40 minute drive away. Its amazing how far 40 minutes becomes when neither person has transportation, and public transportation doesn't go between the two places. It may as well be different states. And although I've gotten to see him a lot more this summer than I ever expected to (I honestly, didn't expect to see him until next May), it still feels like forever away. And I'm fairly certain that this time of leaving will be a lot harder the last.
I suddenly remember how much mom and dad argue. Its not as much as it was before I left for Tennessee, for which I am most thankful, but it is still a lot, and it reminds me how hard I have to fight myself to not argue with everyone over everything, and how much more often I do it here at home than I do other places.
I'm always more depressed at home, and I never know why. Its been said that your subconscious remembers things, and that certain places will trigger old emotions, old thoughts, and etc. I find this to generally be really true. Maybe that's what has been triggering this recently.
I long for life to be back to how I remember it being. Happy while no one else is around, excited for work, waiting for school to start again, and nothing else going on.
Thoughts on Walmart’s new Grocery Pickup Service
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Having recently gotten a flier in the mail advertising Walmart’s new
grocery pickup service (it's essentially a site-to-store for groceries),
Justin and I ...
8 years ago
2 comments:
I know how you feel. Just remember that no matter how things are at home, or how alone you feel, or how depressing things are - Never Give Up! You have a cheering section of people that love you. You don't have to be the perfect one, don't put too much on yourself, after all, despite how awesome you are, you're only one girl and can only do so much.
Home can be... home. I used to sort of dread going back to my parents place. It's better now in a lot of ways but there's still a lot of anger that a few people just haven't let go of. I can recall going back and realizing with revulsion that some things hadn't really changed at all. The only things that had changed were that I wasn't the target of certain kinds of emotional attacks anymore, but that didn't mean that other people weren't. I think the hardest thing was when I realized that the whole family-together-forever thing didn't seem likely to happen and even if it did I wasn't sure I wanted it to. Eventually things can change, but living through it waiting for them to do so isn't easy.
I hope that boy doesn't get away from you or if he does that something else good happens in your life along those lines and soon. One of the best things that I'd say has happened to me regarding home life is I don't have to be home because I'm making my own home somewhere else. That way I can visit for short stretches when I'm up to it, but I'm not responsible in the same way as before to manage other people's bad relationship skills.
I wish I had some good tips on depression. Unfortunately me being my aspie self I normally can't even tell when I'm depressed until maybe about a week into it. Lots of prayer and scripture study helped me in the past, but that wasn't exactly a quick fix.
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