Thursday, August 26, 2010

feeling like an update

I'm not even sure what I have to update, just that I feel like I should.
warning, this is probably not very coherient.
life is the same as it has been.  looking for a job, upon more looking for a job.  I filled out an application with a temp agency a couple days ago, and asked where I had put in an application.  I couldn't even start to fill it out, because I've lost track of where I have (unless someone mentions a place, I then remember if I have or not), so I don't know how much help it will be.  I do have an interview with a different temp agency tomorrow, which is exciting.  I also have a job opportunity in Idaho for two weeks (with the guy that I like), which I'm trying to decide if I want to take or not (or, more correctly, trying to decide how to ask if it would be okay if i did it).
job hunting is no fun.

my mind has been filled recently with a lot of difficult questions, all relationship related, which no one seems to have answers to, and which i know that i can only decide for myself.  life is confusing, and full of questions.  i sometimes wish that i didn't have to grow up, that i could stay little forever, so that i don't have to deal with growing up.  growing up is hard, and makes life a lot more complicated.  it has a lot of questions that all demand answering, even if we don't want to answer.  they come back knocking again if you don't answer them when they want you to.

and thats life

Friday, August 6, 2010

Being home, again

For the first time in about two years, I'm home for more than two weeks.  Its a weird feeling.  I'm remembering why I hate coming home, what all comes with being a real person in the real world, and why I just like school better.
This last week was full of family, and events, and getting ready for them to come, and then making sure they have everything to leave again.  I lost my guaranteed part-time job (even though it wouldn't have payed like it), so now I'm totally jobless, and honestly, I'm tired of looking.  I know I need to, so I still put in a half-hearted effort, but its not what it should be.  I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of waiting for the phone to ring when I'm sure that it wont.  I think its dumb that I have to honestly answer a question saying that if I'm hired, I'll only be there for the next 0-6 months.  I'm fairly certain that the companies are discriminating against me because I won't be there that  long.
I'm tired of being the obedient and helpful daughter that I've always been.  Maybe the lack of a normal childhood is finally catching up to me, and I'm hitting my rebellious stage.  Somehow, I doubt it.  I feel the depression sneaking back into my life.  I'm skipping lunches again, and if people weren't around, I'm fairly certain I would only be eating dinner.
For the first time in my life, I have a boy in the same state as me that likes me as much as I like him.  He's only a 40 minute drive away.  Its amazing how far 40 minutes becomes when neither person has transportation, and public transportation doesn't go between the two places.  It may as well be different states.  And although I've gotten to see him a lot more this summer than I ever expected to (I honestly, didn't expect to see him until next May), it still feels like forever away.  And I'm fairly certain that this time of leaving will be a lot harder the last.
I suddenly remember how much mom and dad argue.  Its not as much as it was before I left for Tennessee, for which I am most thankful, but it is still a lot, and it reminds me how hard I have to fight myself to not argue with everyone over everything, and how much more often I do it here at home than I do other places.
I'm always more depressed at home, and I never know why.  Its been said that your subconscious remembers things, and that certain places will trigger old emotions, old thoughts, and etc.  I find this to generally be really true.  Maybe that's what has been triggering this recently.
I long for life to be back to how I remember it being.  Happy while no one else is around, excited for work, waiting for school to start again, and nothing else going on.