self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.