the life of a mom of a colic-y child.

This is a post that I've been debating if I wanted to write for quite a while. It's one of those topics that people just don't seem to talk about, and honestly, I can understand why. But, I decided the other very early morning when both J and I were in tears after a long and hard day and not sleeping well, I needed to get it off my chest.

One word sums it up fairly well: Frustration.  Not all the time, but it's probably the most prevalent feeling out there. Frustration at not being able to do anything to help my son, frustration at not being able to do anything around the house because he just wants to be held, and standing, and walking the apartment hallways, frustration at his dad being able to escape to work and class, and having homework when he get's home. Frustration at his dad for sleeping through it all at night, and getting his full 7 hours of sleep, when I'm running on less than half of that.  Yes, even frustration at J for crying all the time, even though he can't help it because he has excess gas that won't go away, and his tummy hurts. 

The days like this...it makes me wonder again and again why I wanted to be a parent, and will this really ever end? I've heard it does, but really.... will it? 

While endlessly walking the halls in our apartment, or at church, I meet other people, and they "helpfully" mention, "You know there are other ways to calm your child. You should look up such and such video on YouTube to find out more" Do you really think I haven't tried it all? Do you really think I enjoy walking that much that I wouldn't try anything else? Okay, maybe sometimes I do enjoy walking, and spending time exploring and showing my son the world. But do you really think I enjoy it that much at 1am?  

And then there are the times when no matter what I do, and how much walking we do J just won't stop crying, and yes, it's getting to me because it's been _all_day_long. So I put him in the crib, walk into the bathroom, and shut the door. J is crying hysterically out there, but I need a cry too because I feel like a horrible parent and want to hurt something because I can't get my son to stop crying. I know that in the long run, it won't do him any harm, no long term damage. But I still feel horrible about needing some time to let it out with a good cry. And again, the thoughts "Will this really ever end? What if this just keeps going...forever?"

There are the good days and good times too.  The times when we are cuddling, and I'll whisper "I love you" in his ear, and he gives me a huge smile. The times when he get's so excited when I come in to pick him up from a nap or in the middle of the night. And those times make me SO happy and feel like the luckiest person alive. Do they drown out all the frustration?  No, absolutely not. I'm sure that when I look back at J's childhood, it's something I'll always remember is the frustration of these early days. And honestly, it makes me scared for the children we want to have in the future. Are they all going to be like this? But, the good times do make it that much easier to go on, and to see another day through. 

Engagment

Being engaged is not quite how i thought.  There is a whole lot more stress involved in planning the whole thing than i remembered from my sisters weddings, and a whole lot more to think about that i realized.  maybe its just because my sister is planning this, and has been working on planning this for the last who knows how many years.  I've also discovered that I can't think about all the plans too much, or I stress myself out more than is healthy for me.  it is really lame that there is such a distance involved too.

there are a lot of nice things about it too.  knowing that i won't ever have to say good-bye to him again is definitely a plus, and something i am looking forward to.  it also means that in the future (long in the future at this point) i know we'll be able to have a family, and i'll be able to have kids of my own.  I love Jen's kids, and they are much like my own, but having my own is something I've long looked forward to (yes, it is something i wanted, even while planning my hermiting in the woods).

it will all work out eventually.  i just have to remember to take this one day at a time, and not try and plan everything all at once.

Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

The Lord is my Shepherd

normally when I listen to the song The Lord is my Shepherd, I think about the fact that the Lord is my shepherd, and that He wants to lead me to a pasture where I will be able to partake of the word of God. Tonight, I heard it, and it struck me differently. In the second verse, it says:
Since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear.
He isnt just my shepherd, trying to feed me the word, he also is my Guardian- and he wants to protect me. It goes on to say:
Thy rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near. No harm can be fall with my Comforter near.
As my Guardian, he will protect me. His rod shall defend me. He will defend me from Satan, and wants to protect me from everything. He doesnt want any harm to come over me. He wants me to be comforted in my hard times, and wants me to be happy. The hard times will come, and Satan will attack. But we have someone better and stronger than us, a Guardian who will protect us with his staff.

Dirt is good

team hoyt

i had learned about these guys in my Leadership class up at school, and had forgotten about them until i passed a bilboard for them on the way to the library. amazing people. i wish i could say i would be that dedicated to my child

cellphones 101

Mom amuses me sometimes. dad has had an emergency cell phone for a while now, and it's made perfect sense as to why he has it. he's driving an hour from home every day, and out in the middle of nowhere most of that drive, so if he breaks down, he needs a way to tell someone to come and rescue him. it makes sense. i guess mom got jealous recently, because she insisted that we get her one for emergency purposes too. it doesnt make as much of sense, because she stays pretty well within walking distance of anything if she were to break down. so, we got her one. but, now she needs to learn how to use it. apparantly she thinks the one person at home who can teach her how to use it is the one person in the family who doesnt have a cell phone? i'm lucky i know how to use one though, because she refuses to let dad teach her how. "how do i make a call min? min, how do i check my messages?" honestly, the only way i figured out how to make her phone do what it is supposed to is by playing, and oopsing, and messing about on it. i told her that she should try it and see if she can figure out how to make it work that way, but she wont. it's been amusing teaching her though. maybe when i get home from my mission, i'll be able to convince her that the family should get some with a real provider (verizon would be nice, because i know lots of people on verizon, and there's that whole free verizon to verizon calling thing...) and i would actually communicate with my family. on the other hand, maybe i'll wait a few years yet.

A Day with Rachel

my alarm goes off, but something is wrong. its a saturday. this is my first inclination that today is going to be a long day. i lie on the floor, hoping i didnt wake rachel up, waiting for mom or dad to get up. since its a saturday, i'm not allowed up before them. so i wait. i think about getting in the bed with rachel, it would be a lot more comfortable than the floor, and i might be able to fall back asleep. my mind eventually wanders to California, my mind has been spending a lot of time there recently. i try to pull my mind to the future. just not too far. thoughts about after my mission have been depressing, thoughts about the past are no better, being filled with "if only i had said/come this this way, instead of that way." the present is no better. thoughts there only lead to thinking about whta stupid inane things mom and dad will argue about today. will it be another day full of pointless arguements about forgetting a salad, about cleaning the kitchen floor, not running the dishwasher, or about me? i notice that since i've got my mission call, i get argued about a lot as though i'm not even in the room. and when i ask them to stop, i just get yelled at too.
finally someone gets up. its mom. she starts to go about her normal saturday morning routine of renewing the books, and mumbling to me about how dad isnt making breakfast yet. i want to tell her to lay off, but dont quite feel couragous enough to be yelled at. not yet today. especially since rachel just came in the room, and i want tto spend happy time with rachel, not guilty time. mom seems to have this amazing ablitly to make you feel guilty, even though you were in the right, and not her.
the day moves on, going fairly smoothly until we find out Natalie cant come to discovery gateway with us. we were celebrating rachel's birthday a few weeks late, and she is dissapointed natalie cant go. she was really looking forward to it. mom and dad start to argue right there in the library. i feel myself slipping farther down the dark path of dispare. for rachel, i make myself stay happy, and help to find another alternitive. we will still go to discovery gateway, but is there another friend that you want to take with instead? i ask. we end up taking kassie, the neighbour girl that no is is quite sure how the two of them remain friends. before we can go, we have to attend a viewing. why cant we just skip it, i ask. apparantly mom and dad are "obliged" to go.
we pick up kassie, and go to the viewing. dad gets us lost, but because kassie is with us, mom doesnt yell. rachel is happy about this, but obviously expected mom to start yelling. i feel bad for rachel that she had to get used to that too.
after the viewing, we go to the gateway. everything goes fine, and mom is actually plesent to be around. it is a different story after we get back home. we have messages on the answering machine. one is for me, i am supposed to go clean the church. another is for rachel. because natalie couldnt come to discovery gateway with you, do you want to come to a barbeque with us tonight? the last one is for mom and dad, reminding them about a barbeque that they have to go to too. lucky for me, rachel wants someone to go with her, so i get to go. instead of going to clean the church, i take a nap. if i want to be at all plesent at this barbeque, i need to take a nap, but mom doesnt seem to understand, and starts to yell at me. i dont have the energy to fight back, so i pretend to fall asleep instead. it is the wrong move, i know, and mom hates me for it. for "not fulfilling your obligation" i must actually fall asleep at some point, because rachel is later sent in to wake me up. "mindy we need to go" how can i refuse her? i need to get out of the house. we bike over to the barbeque. i am glad to be rid of mom and dad for a few hours. rachel goes and plays, and of course, i'm stuck talking with the adults. "how's the mission prep. comming?" well. we still hvae lots to do, but i guess overall, its going pretty well. "what are you most excited about your mission?" leaving my parents for a while, with limited contact, i think. out loud, i say its just an overall exciting feeling." "what do you think it will be like?" i dont know, i've never done this have i? i think. but i answer it will be awesome to serve the Lord and teach his gospel. they talk about something else for a while, and i'm free to go play with the kids and help build the fire for the barbeque. i listen to their family. i never hear an arguement break out, even the many times that if i had been at home, one would have broken out. its dinner time, and as we are all gathered eating they start to quiz me about my mission again. God, i think, immediately berating myself for letting work have such an influence on what i think, cant they ask me about anything else? eventually, when the kids are all back playing, my wish is granted and they ask me about rachel. "is she doing alright? she has friends where she is living?" they eventually throw out the statement that "you're kinda like her mom aren't you? her mom, her big sister, her aunt. you were a lot of different hats." gosh, if only they knew the truth as to just how connected me and rachel have become. they would never immagine. suddenly, as they talk endlessly to me, i relize that jen's kids, and especially rachel, are the only ones in my family that i have ever been able to show love to, and say "i love you" to. even as a kid, i couldnt show it.
finally the barbeque ends, and we go home. mom tells us about the barbeque that they went to, never asking me or rachel how ours was. then one thing she says to me hits me, and not in a happy way. "i told brother bitters that rachel seemed excited to come visit us this weekend, but i think that really, she was just excited to see you." God, again berating myself immediately, can she make me feel any more guilty for leaving? i hope that's not true, is all that i can manage to say. i make sure to give rachel an extra long hug that night before she goes to bed. i only wish that day could have lasted longer, so i could do what i want with her, tell her what i want, and make absolutely sure that she knows i love her. my rachel, i say, and nobody elses. "my mindy" she says, "and nobody elses" i dont want to let her go, knowing just how dark the withdrawls are going to hit sunday night when she is no longer at our house.