This is a post that I've been debating if I wanted to write for quite a while. It's one of those topics that people just don't seem to talk about, and honestly, I can understand why. But, I decided the other very early morning when both J and I were in tears after a long and hard day and not sleeping well, I needed to get it off my chest.
One word sums it up fairly well: Frustration. Not all the time, but it's probably the most prevalent feeling out there. Frustration at not being able to do anything to help my son, frustration at not being able to do anything around the house because he just wants to be held, and standing, and walking the apartment hallways, frustration at his dad being able to escape to work and class, and having homework when he get's home. Frustration at his dad for sleeping through it all at night, and getting his full 7 hours of sleep, when I'm running on less than half of that. Yes, even frustration at J for crying all the time, even though he can't help it because he has excess gas that won't go away, and his tummy hurts.
The days like this...it makes me wonder again and again why I wanted to be a parent, and will this really ever end? I've heard it does, but really.... will it?
While endlessly walking the halls in our apartment, or at church, I meet other people, and they "helpfully" mention, "You know there are other ways to calm your child. You should look up such and such video on YouTube to find out more" Do you really think I haven't tried it all? Do you really think I enjoy walking that much that I wouldn't try anything else? Okay, maybe sometimes I do enjoy walking, and spending time exploring and showing my son the world. But do you really think I enjoy it that much at 1am?
And then there are the times when no matter what I do, and how much walking we do J just won't stop crying, and yes, it's getting to me because it's been _all_day_long. So I put him in the crib, walk into the bathroom, and shut the door. J is crying hysterically out there, but I need a cry too because I feel like a horrible parent and want to hurt something because I can't get my son to stop crying. I know that in the long run, it won't do him any harm, no long term damage. But I still feel horrible about needing some time to let it out with a good cry. And again, the thoughts "Will this really ever end? What if this just keeps going...forever?"
There are the good days and good times too. The times when we are cuddling, and I'll whisper "I love you" in his ear, and he gives me a huge smile. The times when he get's so excited when I come in to pick him up from a nap or in the middle of the night. And those times make me SO happy and feel like the luckiest person alive. Do they drown out all the frustration? No, absolutely not. I'm sure that when I look back at J's childhood, it's something I'll always remember is the frustration of these early days. And honestly, it makes me scared for the children we want to have in the future. Are they all going to be like this? But, the good times do make it that much easier to go on, and to see another day through.