Organ recital 1

self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.

Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Huff Puff Ping-Pong

This is a video of a game we played in class today. Its called Huff Puff Ping-Pong. You blow the ping-pong ball around with straws, and try to get it over the goal. We played five intense rounds with people almost mashing each other and generally had fun and got some carpet burn. All while in class. Man, I love being a rec. major. :)

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

just for fun

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
a tomato

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Murfreesboro, TN

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
nope- never tried

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
my roomates

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:15-- i was done chatting at that time. :)

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
maybe

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
how about, ever been kissed?

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
tie between JW and BL

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yep

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Don't drink it- but its fine for others

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
i dont remember

12. Who took your profile picture?
me

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
people at Wheelchair Dodgeball

14. Was yesterday better than today?
about the same

15. Can you live a day without TV?
all the time

16. Are you upset about anything?
yep

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes

18. Are you a bad influence?
depends on who and what i am influincing

19. Night out or night in?
'pends on the night.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Air, water, food

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Ralph Roberts

22. What do/es the last text message in your inbox say?
dont got no texting :)

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
its there

24. Do you hate any one?
Satan

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Of course. Unless it was an Ibuprofen test when I have a headache

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
heck no!

27. What song is stuck in your head?
a christian song. i was listening to the christian station today. :)

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m. Who do you want it to be?
not a kidnapper or a hitperson

in the Snow

While in the Snow, you can usually hear all sorts of people practicing. A couple people just happened to be practicing this while I was trying to practice organ this morning. on one hand, it makes me jealous of their sweet skills, but on the other, it sounds really cool, and I'm glad there is someone in this world who has musical abilities to make really sweet music. Enjoy! (you'll want to turn the volume up quite a bit. This is inside my practice room, while listining to someone else practice, so its pretty quiet)

The Lord is my Shepherd

normally when I listen to the song The Lord is my Shepherd, I think about the fact that the Lord is my shepherd, and that He wants to lead me to a pasture where I will be able to partake of the word of God. Tonight, I heard it, and it struck me differently. In the second verse, it says:
Since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear.
He isnt just my shepherd, trying to feed me the word, he also is my Guardian- and he wants to protect me. It goes on to say:
Thy rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near. No harm can be fall with my Comforter near.
As my Guardian, he will protect me. His rod shall defend me. He will defend me from Satan, and wants to protect me from everything. He doesnt want any harm to come over me. He wants me to be comforted in my hard times, and wants me to be happy. The hard times will come, and Satan will attack. But we have someone better and stronger than us, a Guardian who will protect us with his staff.

Park Ranger

During some homework for a class, i got the opportunity to look up a job descriprion for a park ranger. i enjoyed it, and wanted to share. after all, its what i will hopefully one day be doing. :)

PARK RANGER
Do you like working directly with the public? As a park ranger for the National Park Service, you (1) interpret and explain park resources to visitors; (2) facilitate visitor enjoyment of the park and its resources; (3) help ensure visitor behavior that protects park resources and gain friendly compliance with the laws and rules for safe use of the park; and (4) encourage visitors to develop a sense of stewardship of park resources. You research and present interpretive programs, and present a variety of formal and informal programs including orientation talks, environmental education programs, conducted walks, demonstrations and campfire programs. You tell visitors about park facilities and resources such as visitor centers, campgrounds, historical sites and auditoriums. Other duties may include gathering information for reports, compiling statistical data, assisting with search and rescue efforts or helping to combat wild-land and structural fires.

Dirt is good

Change

Some friends and I have been talking recently about change. A lot of us are recently returned missionaries, and so change has been on our minds a lot. Being back at school just re-enforces those thoughts. Just how has my world changed? The kids grew up (and I got an addional one). That was probably the biggest change in my world. The kids were no longer my cute little kids that I had left behind. They went through some traumatic times while I was gone. And it affected them. In more mundane ways, the house I grew up in changed. It no longer looks like my house. The school I now attend has changed in so many ways. The buildings are different. The paths I took to school are different. there are different professors for my major (and the teachers I wished had left (for my minor classes) didn't). The friends I have here at school are all different. As I metnioned, most of us have recently gotten home, and apparently, that changes people. A lot of my friends are now gone- working real jobs, getting married and having kids, going on with life. Life doesnt just stop when one goes on a mission for the Lord. I almost wish it had. The life I left, though far from where I wanted it to be, was comfortable. And now its not. There were some changes that were hard, that I still feel the reprecussions of, but I suppose that is to be expected. Probably the biggest change in comming home was having to deal with stupid girly emotions. I was happily in a world where emotions didnt mean much. I had them, but they werent needed- so they stayed nicely tucked away in a box in the corner of my mind. And now, they are there again- and trying to run rampant even though I don't want that addition to my life yet.

A lot of the questions that come to mind are "How have I changed? I know my world has changed, but have I changed to my world?" It certainly doesn't feel like it. The kids say I did. One of the first things they said when I saw them was "Mindy, you've changed." On the cute side, when I first saw Dante again he said "Mindy, you shrank! No, Dante, I didnt shrink, you grew." Then after a few more minutes, he said "No, I didnt grow, you shrank." He was and is so cute.
Dante, the whole time I was home before I came back to shcool was "Mindy, you changed" I didnt like that, because they didn't like how I had changed. But I can't control if I changed or not, can I? I can control what aspects come out from being changed, but I cant change that I changed. Some of my friends say I am more social. Mostly, I think it is just that I'm not necessarily a fan of my home right now, so I'm out and about, avoiding it sometimes. Though, I could be considered more social becasue of it. Because of some experiences that I hated while going through them on my mission, I think I'm happier. That has to be good. But (according to the kids), also stricter in some things. We still have fun. But it isn't the same.

Yes. Life has definately changed. For the good? I'm still trying to figure it out. But one thing I do know is that it certianly has changed.

Philosophy of Life- brainstorming

In one of my classes, we have to come up with a Personal philosophy of life. In the dictionary, it defines philosophy as
"2.Investigation of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning rather than empirical methods."
that deffinition made the most sense of all the many deffintions. in my book, it says
a personal philosophy of life is something we all have, but many people have not thought about their own philosphy long enough to define it clearly
I'm not quite sure it would just be confined to those who havent thought about it long enough. I've been thinking about it for a couple days now, but I'm still not sure if I know what a personal Philosophy of life is, let alone what mine might be. the book goes on to give this encouragement
Understanding your Personal philosophy is important because it gives you an advantage in an internship interview and guides your search for fulfilling employment in recreation and leasure services
So, Apparantly it is realy important to have one of these. now, if they could have given an example one, that would have been nice, because this whole Philosophy of life thing has been confusing to me. though, it does give a bit of an example
A sound Personal Philosphy allows you to describe who you are and what life means to you. It also provides direction in your life by helping you recognize what things are important to you
so, a personal philosophy is something that describes how i look at life, and what is important to me, if i look at it right. so then the question becomes how do i get such a philosophy? luckally, the book seems to have some sort of answer for that too
to examine your personal philosophy it helps to condut a review of your life. How did you arive at this pioint in your life?
i arrived here by making plans, and working hard to reach those plans. i also had a childhood dream that i wanted to fulfill, and found a way to do so.
What life experiences have had a major impact upon your life?
i would think that childhood would ahve a big impact. the things we did (or sometimes didnt do) when i was a child. the trips we took. learning all the year round. going to the library weekly definately impacted my life.
who are the friends and relatives who have had an influence upon your life?
my siblings definately had impact on my life-they have encouraged me when times got hard, and in other times too. Jason and Brandon have also had an influence on my life. they encouraged me to go on a mission, and to stay focued on what God wanted me to do, instead of what I wanted to do. Sean- influenced how I think about people, and to an extent, how i communicate. the kids- also, how i think about and look at people. they help me to have something to relate to other people with (sometimes). Rachael- helped me to understand myself when i couldnt- sh e seemed to always be able to. President Hutcihngs- He helped me to be able to believe in myself, and knew what i was capable of, even if i didnt believe him.
What beliefs do you share with these people?
well, we all have the same religious background. we all know that we have a Loving Heavenly Father, and that Christ is our Saviour. we all believe some of the same basic things also.
What heros have you had while growing up? what was it about their lives that made them heros to you?
President Theodore Roosevelt- he started the National Parks- right where i want to work
my dad- he fixed everything, and made it all better

so, after answering all the questions, you are to take a mment to reflect on them.
...
...
and after a bit of thought, i think i may have come up with something!
that we have to trust in God, and know that he is in control. that we need to have fun in life, otherwise life is a drag. we have to take care of our planet, and make sure it is there to have fun in, and also for the future to have fun in

that, i think, is a start on a life philosopy. anyone else have a philosphy? i'm open to suggestions as to what one might be

Recreation- Aristotle Style

In one of my classes, we do a lot of reading (more than I would ever guess, since its a Recreation class-- shouldnt we recreate?), and in one of the readings we had today, i came across this, and it made me think.

Aristotle's discription of the good life contributes greatly to understanding the attributes of wholesome recreation. A central principle of the good life is the golden mean, or moderation; overindulgance hinders the attainment of the good life. According to this principle, it is possible to fish too much, ski too much, or watch too much television. Exceptions to this rule are gaining wisdom and understanding, which Aristotle described as limitless goods.

How much to I personally fall into the trap of overindulgance. I enjoy doing things, but do I enjoy it too much. Apparantly the one exception to this is homework, and other school work (good thing i'm a student right now, and so I can overindulge in it all I want). However, how many times as a student, or as any other person, do I take an activity and go to far with it?

To Aristotle, the crowing virtue of the good life is leasure. But leasure does not refer to idleness or napping; it refers to activites by which human beings learn and aquire intellectual virtues. The intellectual virtues such as art, knowledge, understnding, and wisdom are the highest virtues of the good life. For Arisotle, thinking and using our minds is a distinctly human activity and the ultimate purpose of leasure. To Aristotle then, ethical leasure activities must include thinking and reasoning. these activites may be practicle as gardening, cooking, or cabinet making,- all of which require skill or art- or as complex as scientific research, musical composition, and philosophical thought.

So just how many of my daily activites fit into "the good life" as defined by Aristotle? he's a pretty smart guy, and seems to know what he is talking about all the time, doesnt he? how will i need to change how i recreate, just so that i can make my life a better one?

Four charactaristics of ethical leasure have been derived from Aristotle's description of the good life. Intellectual activity, creative activity, meaningful relationships and moral behavior. In summer, Aristotle's good life is a life of reflection, a life of seeking that which is good and lasting. it is not a thoughtless life of passiveness and passivity, or a hedonistic life of seeking thrills and pleasure through artificial stimulants or exotic activites...

I suppose, that as long as you try and have some sort of recreation from all four of the areas, then you will be doing good? hopefully. that makes it all pretty easy to follow.

snow

I started my winter camping class (yes, I voluntarily signed up for a class that I get to go and klondike in... no, I don't know what i was thinking), and today the teacher showed us this film at the beginning of class. It led to a discussion of why do we even have a winter camping class, and why winter camping is different than regular camping. i thought it was just cool to begin a class with, so i wanted to share.

bitter sweet

So, I'm back at school, and expect everything to be fine, for the memeories I had created here before to just dissappear, or just be nice plesent reminders of the past. but they arent. i walk by something, and remember something like it was just yesterday. i listened to a talk once about emotions, and controlling them, and the guy said "memory has no age" and boy howdy, have i figured that one out these last two days. i walk around campus, and although everything has changed, it isnt necessarily for the better. i dont know how to get around campus any more, and there are buildings that have been built that i have to ask "what is that monstrosity is that? oh, its the MC, when did that happen. i thought they were finished two years ago with taht one." or "oh, wait, thats the size of the new auditorium? when did that happen?"
besides things i dont know being all around, i am barraged with a boat load of memories. some good memories that stayed good, some good memories that are now hurtful, and some dark memories that haunt the night hours. I spent a lonely day on Saturday moving in. i caught up with friends that night, but it was still hard. i wish my memory wasnt quite so attached to feeling things. i pass an apartment complex. "oh, so and so used to live there. now they are back home and working, and dating people, and i'll probably never see them again..." i pass the gardens "man, i wish it was summer right now. I would love to go back and see what they added to the gardens, and be able to study there now." pass another apartment complex, "man, why did she have to go do student teaching, she was supposed to be here." and the feelings that go with them all, they are still fresh, no matter how hard i try to make them not. it is wierd, because i want to be happy for the people, but it is hard. it makes comming up here bitter sweet. i was hoping for a nice smooth transition from the life of a missionary to the life of a student, but it isnt happening. maybe one day, it will. for now, i'll just live life in my mind, and try to remember the sweet parts of comming back, going to stadium singing and hearing songs, that were put there just for me tonight. friends that i havent seen in 3-4 years because of going on missions, the snow (i really missed it) some time to myself (although it still freaks me out when i do have it), and other such things.

quotes

along with reciting D&C 4 (and other various scripture references) every morning in my mission prep class, this quote was always read by someone in the class.

"to every man, there comes that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder, and offered the chance to do a special thing unique to him and fitted to his talent. what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared, or unqualified to do the work"

~Winston Churchill

we also did this one quite often too

The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.

~joseph smith

Android vs. Borg

Again, i've been on a star treck kick. this time, i changed it up a bit, and instead of watching reruns of the next, i found a DVD at the library devoted specifically to episodes where they delt with the Borg. it was fasanating to watch. it made me think, if i were to be on star treck, and had a choice of being either a borg, or an android like Commander Data, which would i choose? it depends on the day, honestly.
being an android, Data is able to be a free thinker. he makes his own choices, he can choose to use the holodeck for whatever he likes, and "enjoy" it, as much as an android can enjoy anything, at least. he can form oppinions, and not worry about that someone else will know without him knowing they know. he is even free to choose to pursue a relationship (it wasnt at all successful, but it was entertaining to watch, anyway). borg dont have that choice
being a borg means being part of the hive mind. what you know, so does everyone else. you have no free thoughts of your own. you comply with everything the queen says. you cannot have an oppinion. it isnt part of your hardware. all this in the pursuit of perfection. its an appealing thought sometimes. if life gets overwhelming, why not become a borg. then you will never be overwhelmed, and you no longer have to deal with your life. being part of the collective would be ideal at that point. one major downfall to this idea is that then you have no control over your life, someone else controls it completely. looking at it on a spiritual scale, it would be more like having Satan's plan for us all. to not let us have our agency, but to blindly comply with what he wants. being an Android would be more like the plan we all chose, Heavenly Fathers plan of letting us have our agency, and letting us make mistakes.
both the borg and androids are both emotionless. wouldnt that be nice sometimes? there are days i wish i just had no emotions. it makes life complicated. i am still free to believe what i like, still free to pursue what i like, but without emotion. it might make the world a little more flat, (data once tired to compose a poem "ode to Spot (his cat)" that was emotionless, all about spot's attributes. again, not quite successful, but amusing to watch), but oh, the relief it would bring. i wouldnt have to try and figure out my stupid human emotions (being an empath would accompish the same idea, but that is a different tangent). i could go through my days, not worrying about this, that, or the other, not caring what others thought. either one of those sounds nice.
so who has the biggest advantage? honestly, they both do. again, it all depends on the day. which would you choose?

team hoyt

i had learned about these guys in my Leadership class up at school, and had forgotten about them until i passed a bilboard for them on the way to the library. amazing people. i wish i could say i would be that dedicated to my child

dates for Everything?

we have preset dates for dating, for weddings, for vacations, for everything. but a pre-set date for a funeral? okay, so maybe it isnt that unusual. but the person isnt even dead yet?! that, i have to admit, i dont get. why would you set a date for your funeral, but you arent even dead yet? a lady that is in my Grandma's congregation has a date set for her funeral. the 10th of may. but she isnt dead. so why does she have a funeral date already? and what happens if she isnt dead? does the funeral go forth anyhow? do they do a funeral, and do everything but bury the person? thats one of the best ways to know what was said about you at your funeral. be alive while its happening. oh, i know! they kill the person off, right before the funeral so that they can still have the funeral! that must be it! i do admit to seeing some wisdom in it. then, you can make sure that the people who want to be there, can be there. but it doesnt do them any good if you really arent dead. unless you kill the person off. that might be interesting. kill off a person just before their family gets there for the funeral, just so that you can have the funeral, and make sure the people you want there are there. i love it. killing off people just so that they can have their funerals just the way they want it. maybe i'll follow suit, and make sure that i have a hand picked day for my funeral, and then, if i'm not dead, you can kill me off (but it has to be by my method of being killed. you have to at least promise me that), and make sure that my funeral is just how i wanted it. can i write that in my will? "i want my funeral this day, and if i'm not dead, kill me off, but do it in this fashion" i'll try it and let you know how it works.