life in west valley

I'm home again, and life has change dramatically from at school. at school, i could actually be...me. i had forgotten how much i cant be me, but have to be someone else, the mindy that mom wants me to be, expects me to be. at school i could be the melinda that was actually inside. i was free. i could go out on four hour walks, and no one would care, that was what i did. i could study in the gardens, and come back sunburnt, and no one would mention that it was stupid (even though i know it was) cause that was who i was. i was outdoors. at home? i have to be the mindy that could care less about outdoors, but loves to spend her days inside, reading a book, playing with rachel, and just....existing. that life before wasnt happy, it was just...there. i hadnt ever known anything else, so i didnt know that it could be different. now, i'm...changed. i'm not the same me that i was before, and mom wont accept it. i've found what it is that makes me happy, but i cant go pursue it. i cant randomly go on four hour walks that started at 9 at night (heck, i have to be in bed by ten, order of mom (yes, i have a curfurew, and its worse than BYUI)) i have to be lady like. i cant live off the internet. i'm supposed to use the computer only one hour a day (though when mom isnt here, its a whole lot longer than that) one of the biggest changes is that i;ve found some real friends. i've loved, and been loved. heck, i even had a boyfriend at one point (it only lasted for about a month, but it was wonderful while it lasted) thats somethign that would never have happened while i was here at home. because of the changes i've made, the things i've grown to know and accustomed to, i've also had some of the darkest days of my life up there. but i lived, i loved, i was who i knew i was. i didnt have to supress the conservationest, i didnt have to surpress the outdoors-woman. its made me sooo depressed. i've had to listen to sweeney todd on an almost daily basis to try and get out my destructive thoughts, so i dont end up doing something way drastic that i would later regret. also, mom didnt like my going on a mission. i still think she really doesnt like it, although she has offered to pay for my mission. grar!

on a light note, i will say that here at home, i've been able to play mommy to rachel (and dante while he is here). i love being able to be her mom. while J is of in new york, rachel has no mom. J, i'm sad to say, but she has said it, so i dont feel _too_ bad about saying it, isnt a real great mom as it is, so to be able to be a mom, to be able to be a protector of rachel while she is home...it feels wonderful. its what i live for when i'm home. to play mindy-mommy. its had its hard times, thats for sure. last week, for example, i had accidentally locked the steering wheel on my car, mom and dad were both at girls camp, and all the neighbours i am supposed to turn to for help were all gone. i had to go get rachel from school. i couldnt start the car, and couldnt figure out why (thank heavens for neighbours who can help). i ended up going to get her, an hour late...by bus. that whole week, i felt like a bad parent. but, this week, when mom is home, and is "in charge" of rachel, i feel like the best parent in the world. mom, not all that affective at getting kids to do homework (i've only come to realize this as i've watched her try to get rachel to do her homework). she yells, she screams, she makes fun of....all not very effective ways of getting your kids to do homework. luckily for rachel, i'm here to help her get her homework done, in a more productive manner. instead of yelling, screaming, making fun of rachel, all that, i've learned that sitting there patiently, in the same room as her, while doing something fairly productive of my own (like reading a book) she will do her homework all by herself. it makes me feel proud that i can get rachel to do things that she cant. also, while at home, i have a chance to work in the garden. something that i missed dearly while at school. but, happily, now after work, i can come home, and i can play in the dirt, and get as muddy as i wish (so long as it is all washed off before mom comes home from work). its great.

life...cant it ever be simple, like it was when we were kids?