grar

warning: this be a rant, and things i dont necessarily mean wholehartedly ( wholehartedly all the time, i mean them completely here and now) might be said.

one of the things i've found about comming home is that i slip more and more often into really really depressive states, and other related issues come up, making life just...fie. i realized exactly why, and honestly, if there was one thing about home i could change...

on saturday, mom asked to used my keys. if no one has seen my keychain, its full of all sorts of stuffs. its a small carabiner (horahh for caribiners!) with at now five keys on it (thanks BLW for giving me a key to your house) an emergancy wistle, in case i get lost in the forest, or some person wants to try and rape me or something like unto that, a compass, in case i get lost in the forest, CTR man and a light for finding keyholes, watching my step on the ground, or shining into said abductors eyes (even though it says on it "do not shine in eye, could cause eye damage". all very useful things. mom took my keychain, and she told me (i'll put a warning now that any and all diolauge may or may not be direct quotes) "mindy, you have to get rid of some of the things on your keychain, it makes you look like a geek" so i think to myself, "thanks mom, just what any child would want to hear" but out loud i say "maybe i like it" mom says "you need to grow out of it" followed by a direct silence. i refuse to reply, cause i know that if i replied, i would just get into more trouble than i had already that day, from wanting to walk up to albertsons which is just up the street about half a block instead of takng the car, for trying to use the skills i learned at school and purchace some chicken tenders at walmart, and for basicly trying to take charge when cleaning up rachel's and mine room. so...why can i do any of that? cause thats apparantly not the girl that mom raised me to be...or something like that. (same goes for likeing to wear my sunglasses all the time outside (though sunglasses are practical, so i dont know why she had problems with that one. wierd)

so what about all this puts me into more depresive moods, and other related items? well, first off, what child likes their parent to say "no, you cant do that, because its different from everyone else" none that i know of. sure, there are some cases where its okay to say that, but for a whole way of being? mmm... just doesnt seem right, thanks. next, why cant mom see that thats who i really am, that thats what makes me happy, and its expressing myself? so what if my way of expressing myself is different than all my sisters, who were really girly girls. having a tom-boy in the family isnt all that bad, is it? is she ashamed of it, and so she wants me to hide it? sorry, thats not going to really happen, unless she starts to force me to do things other than my current nature. happily, that hasnt happened yet. i will give her that she grew up in a time when being a tom-boy was looked down upon, so maybe she has that thinking still. but if my grandparents can accept it, cant mom? cant she see that i am who i am, and learn to live with it? she doesnt like the cloths i wear (i've found that cargo pants are way comfy, and very useful when you live out of your pockets like i do (as opposed to a purse), she doesnt like that i dont be all girly and wear makeup, do my hair (a braid or a bun is about as fancy as i get), doesnt like that i live out of my pockts, and surly doesnt like that i'm an outdoors-woman (and therefore my career choice. i should learn to be a secretary), and i should have better homemaking skills (i dont have any cooking skills). but all of that...thats not me. cant mom see that? her disapproving of just about everything i do...it makes me feel like i am worthless, and that i dont belong. many days, i want to be kidnaped, just so that i can feel like _someone_ wants me, and that they wouldnt mind my many quirks. (though i guess that getting married might accomplish the same thing....but thats not to happen for a wile, according to Heavenly Father)

(heavy sigh) anyhow.... another realization came, and its one i plan on trying to do something about. here's a resolution, and so its public so i'm more likely to actually follow through on it than if i just think it to myself...

most all of my blogs thus far have been rather depressing, so, i'm going to change it. i shant post anything unless it can make me happy, and/or smile and/or is an update (a nuteral or positive one) on my life. there... now to follow through with it. i'll start today, and add this here. it made me happy to read these, so i shall share with the general population.