Remembering and Thinking

Recently, with the warmer weather, and having a lot of time on my hands again, I turn to thinking about just last year this time of year. I was a missionary in a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee (the exact center of Tennessee). I was with a sister that I got along with amazingly well (probably almost better than most of my other companions), and things seemed to be going pretty good. We didn't have a lot of people to teach, so we spent a lot of time trying to find more people to teach. There had been a tornado not too long ago (the Friday before Easter last year, which seems like it was around this time of year). It was extremely warm outside (we were just getting to the weather where we stepped outside for 5 minutes and were drenched in sweat), and life was good. I remember a couple people in particular in that area that we enjoyed visiting a lot, and remember the times we had with them quite fondly.
In the present day, and not a year ago, things are not quite the same. I'm in southeast Idaho, going to school, and have roommates that are...interesting. I read about a friend who is changing jobs, and feel's like he is dying to the world he knew. He had a purpose in life, and people he cared about. As I think back on the time I had in Murfreesboro, it makes me feel almost like I have no purpose in life right now. I'm just kind of going through life with no direction. I miss having that daily purpose of bringing others closer to Christ, and helping them come to understand better that He is their Savior. Life was good, and always full of things that needed to be done. It was full of people who wanted to listen to us (as well as people who definitely did not want to listen to us), and running to and fro from appointment to appointment, just to find out the people we had most hoped to be there decided they really didn't want to listen to us.
I miss those days a lot. I want to go back, want to have things in my life that seem of greater importance. Education is important, yes, but it doesn't feel important right now. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, trying to figure out what I need to be doing in life.

ramblings

WARNING: THIS POST IS RAMBLINGS STRAIGHT FROM MY MIND TO THIS POST

It's the beginning of the semester. Summer has come and it's beautiful outside. I don't know anyone. So, what do I do when its nice outside and I don't know anyone? I spend all day outside, away from my roommates. Today, my roommates got to experience my summer lifestyle first hand. I ate dinner, than went to do homework in the gardens (before it was dark and it was questionable to go there). As I was leaving, one of my roommates said "did she really just eat dinner then run off?"
Yes. Yes I bloody well did.
What's wrong with it?
I am also about to start hitting the roads of Rexburg at night again. Then my roommates will thinks I'm even more weird. I spend almost no time inside at home during the summer. I'll probably be spending more since now a lot of homework is due online, and a lot of reading is done online. But, I probably won't be home much. It is weird to think about. This whole new semester is weird. It almost feels like a missionary transfer, but instead of me going to a new area, I stayed in the area, and everyone else changed, and not just my companion (the sister I would serve with).
My roomates are great girls, so why do I avoid them? Why am I trying to see how much time I can spend away from time? And why do I do this more and more anymore? Why do I always in the summers dwell so much on the past, and have a hard time making new memories to replace them? I have been asking myself why a lot recently. Sadly, I also have no answers to go with all the whys

Lesson Learned

Last night, I watched Harry Potter 5, as I have only seen the end, and wanted to see it all. The kids joined me (mom and dad were at the store) when it got dark outside. After a while, they started falling asleep, so we said a small family prayer, and they went off to bed. As I was tucking Dante into bed, he told me "Mindy, do you know why I dont like to watch Harry Potter before bed?"
"No Dante, tell me why."
"Because it gives me bad dreams"
So, trying to be comforting, I explained to him about how we can pray before we go to bed to not have bad dreams, and how if we have a bad dream, we can pray for comfort and to not have any more. He seemed to accept it, and went to sleep.
This mornong, Rachel came into breakfast and proceeded to tell us about a bad dream that she had. Dante piped up and said "you should have prayed to not have bad dreams"
I was both amused by his response and was pleased he listend and learned.

Alive

I walk bearfoot outside, two plants in hand, and a basketfull over my arm. The sun is shining, and there is a slight breeze. Perfect day. No jacket needed. No shoes needed. The grass is growing, it smells wonderful outside. This is what it means to be alive. Just you and the elements. I grab a huge bag of dirt and start my hunt for pots for these plants. The grass is green and tender beneth my feet. It has been a long time since I have been allowed to walk bearfooted, and I feel every bump and curve in the dirt under the grass. I find what I'm looking for, and move to a place in the sun. It feels warm on my back, and gives me energy I haven't had in a long time. I start with rocks in the bottom of the pots. I have to go find the rocks, and dig them up since we don't seem to have any just lying about. It feels so good to go and dig around in the dirt. To feel the dirt under my fingernails, to feel the dirt in between my toes. It feels so good. I find the rocks, put them in the pots, and start pouring in the sandy bottom dirt. I tenderly, gently, convince the plants to come out of their plastic starter pots, and into a real pot, so they can grow, and get bigger. Some listen willingly, others listen a bit more stubbornly. They come out and into their new home. I cover them with wonderful rich dirt. It smells so good. So healthy. What more to life could one want? I finish moving them all. I get some water, and let them drink. They have been worked hard, and will likely go into shock. Hopefully they all will recover. I give them fresh, clean water to drink, and talk to them more. "You'll like your new home. It will give you plenty of room to grow with." I take them inside, and place them around the house. I take a deep breath and smell the fresh dirt, the smells of spring they brought in with them. I grab a book, and head back outside. This is what it means to be alive.

Change

I've written in the past about change, and how much change has gone on in the world, especially when I first got home from my mission. It was, as I put it then, bitter-sweet. It seems odd to me just how much life has changed, and this week, I am especially noticing just how much my family, my parents in particular, have changed.
The first changed I notice this week is just how much of a voice I no longer have in the family. I used to be able to be at least somewhat in charge of the kids, and they would listen, and do what I asked them too. I suppose too long out of the way makes it so that I am now just a playmate, and no longer Mindy Mommy. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that.
Next chnage I really noticed is that although my parents still argue a lot, it doesn't seem to be as much as when I was here before. It isn't over every single little detail that they argue. They just argue over some of the details. It is quite refreshing, honestly. While frist growing up, I never noticed it. But then after moving away for a while for school, and then comming home to it, I noticed it more. And now, I'm so happy it is less than before. I wonder what changed it?
Anotehr change I noticed is mom and dad's policy on some stuff. There used to be certian rules in place while I was growing up. One of the rules was that there would be no TV on before breakfast, and certianly not until homework was done after school. However, I've noticed that now, the TV comes on about as soon as mom wakes up (to check the weather for the day, I guess. She used to just listen to the radio alarm she has go off every morning, but I guess it doesn't do the job?), and is again on right as soon as they come home from school (it turns off during the day, since I don't enjoy watching it. I'll use it to watch a movie or something, but not more than that.). It used to not come on until about 5, so that she could watch her million channels of news (which she still does watch all million channels of news), and then sometimes go off until 10 for the nightly news. Now it seems to just be on all the time.
Another policy that has changed is the food policy. Mom and Dad used to be huge on "if you don't like it, go hungry." There were nights when yes, I did go hungry, but it taught me to appreciate the food I did like more, and to at least try and eat those food I absolutely hated. Now, they prepare something different for the kids when they don't like what is being eaten. A great example of this is a dinner we will be having later in the week. Spinach Crepe's. Mom, Dad and I all seem to think they are really really good. The kids aren't as much a fan of them as we are. So what happens? Wait, they get a quesadilla? No going hungry for the night?
All around, my parents seem to have gotten more lax on some of their rules. I'm not sure what to think of it all. On one hand, I think it is good that they have gotten lax on some things. Letting the kids eat something differetn for example, is one I might be okay with. It was something I had been pondering instituting with my own kids, just having them help (or when they are old enough make on their own) with whatever alternate food they would be eating. Some of the other changes that have happened around here... I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll just have to stick around and see what happens.

Saying Good-Bye

A song to listen to while you read here

It's the end of semester. Yesterday was the last day of tests, and now all my roomates are leaving. I've had no sleep (maybe 30 minutes all told), I've been saying good-bye to people all night. One roomate left at 2, one at 5, and then one is leaving at 10ish, but her ride is comming about 8sih to start packing her up. We also have been cleaning our apartment, and making sure that we have all of our packing done. Its been quite the night. We went out and had some great times since it was our last night togetehr as roomates. We ate way too much food (spending way too much money in the process), but man, it was so good. And, more, it was so much fun. Good memories, made just tonight.
I've always had a hard time with good-byes. Especially since I'm never quite sure when I'll see them again. Some people I know that I will see soon, but some, who knows? One friend that I said good-bye to, right before my mission, I still haven't been able to see, and I'm not sure when I'll get to (He's supposed to come up over Memorial Day weekend, but I'll be in Utah). It makes me sad, because here I had such good friends, and such meaningful relationships with these people. But then they are gone. It always leavs me feeling... empty. Wanting more in life, but not having anything new to fill it.
Many people tell me this is the pesimistic way of viewing things, and yes, it probably is, but there isn't much that I can do about it. That is just the way I am. I do often reflect in the past. Probably more than is healthy for me, but it can bring back some good memories. I know that as I reflect back on this semester, it is filled with many good times. I'm going to miss everyone so much, and already do, and they just left. No more having someone singing 24/7, no more person wanting to go on a mission asking missionary questions all the time, no more feeling like I need to protect someone else. Its all gone. It is hard to realize just how attached you get to someone, until they are gone.
It also brings up many qustions, having to move on. Will my new roomates be just as good? Will I be able to be attached to them also, or will I have roomates like I had once, who I could care less if I saw them again? Who am I going to go talk to when my roomates are driving me crazy and I just have to get out of the house? Who am I going to go to the temple with? An even bigger question, Will I ever see these people again? So many questions, with many different possible outcomes.
(Sigh) Life is really hard sometimes. It is hard to be an adult, and having to be responsible. I so want to just give up my responsiblity, and be 10 again. Life was good at 10. But even at 10, I still had to say good-bye.
I suppose that God is giving me a lesson in trust, again and still. Again, it is back to "Consider the Lilies." Learn to trust in God that he will provide, that whatever happens, really it is for the best. I have had a hard time with that for a long time. Why do certian things have to be how they are, and why do I have to learn that lesson right now? I have many conversations with God about life, and why now, and what His timing is for certian things. And just certian experiences in general. I feel them often to be one-sided converstions, and don't often feel an answer come back my way, but, that goes back to the lesson of "trust in God, He knows what is best."
This semester went way too fast for my liking. It is already April, and I got home about 4 months ago, and started to become "normal." When I first started this semester, I had some ideas of how it was going to go. And now the semester is done. It was an amazing semester, and everyone that made it amazing is going home. I'm not sure how this week home is going to go, because I'm going to come back here, and try and make things one way, but have them be another. This could be interesting