Remembering and Thinking

Recently, with the warmer weather, and having a lot of time on my hands again, I turn to thinking about just last year this time of year. I was a missionary in a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee (the exact center of Tennessee). I was with a sister that I got along with amazingly well (probably almost better than most of my other companions), and things seemed to be going pretty good. We didn't have a lot of people to teach, so we spent a lot of time trying to find more people to teach. There had been a tornado not too long ago (the Friday before Easter last year, which seems like it was around this time of year). It was extremely warm outside (we were just getting to the weather where we stepped outside for 5 minutes and were drenched in sweat), and life was good. I remember a couple people in particular in that area that we enjoyed visiting a lot, and remember the times we had with them quite fondly.
In the present day, and not a year ago, things are not quite the same. I'm in southeast Idaho, going to school, and have roommates that are...interesting. I read about a friend who is changing jobs, and feel's like he is dying to the world he knew. He had a purpose in life, and people he cared about. As I think back on the time I had in Murfreesboro, it makes me feel almost like I have no purpose in life right now. I'm just kind of going through life with no direction. I miss having that daily purpose of bringing others closer to Christ, and helping them come to understand better that He is their Savior. Life was good, and always full of things that needed to be done. It was full of people who wanted to listen to us (as well as people who definitely did not want to listen to us), and running to and fro from appointment to appointment, just to find out the people we had most hoped to be there decided they really didn't want to listen to us.
I miss those days a lot. I want to go back, want to have things in my life that seem of greater importance. Education is important, yes, but it doesn't feel important right now. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, trying to figure out what I need to be doing in life.

ramblings

WARNING: THIS POST IS RAMBLINGS STRAIGHT FROM MY MIND TO THIS POST

It's the beginning of the semester. Summer has come and it's beautiful outside. I don't know anyone. So, what do I do when its nice outside and I don't know anyone? I spend all day outside, away from my roommates. Today, my roommates got to experience my summer lifestyle first hand. I ate dinner, than went to do homework in the gardens (before it was dark and it was questionable to go there). As I was leaving, one of my roommates said "did she really just eat dinner then run off?"
Yes. Yes I bloody well did.
What's wrong with it?
I am also about to start hitting the roads of Rexburg at night again. Then my roommates will thinks I'm even more weird. I spend almost no time inside at home during the summer. I'll probably be spending more since now a lot of homework is due online, and a lot of reading is done online. But, I probably won't be home much. It is weird to think about. This whole new semester is weird. It almost feels like a missionary transfer, but instead of me going to a new area, I stayed in the area, and everyone else changed, and not just my companion (the sister I would serve with).
My roomates are great girls, so why do I avoid them? Why am I trying to see how much time I can spend away from time? And why do I do this more and more anymore? Why do I always in the summers dwell so much on the past, and have a hard time making new memories to replace them? I have been asking myself why a lot recently. Sadly, I also have no answers to go with all the whys

Lesson Learned

Last night, I watched Harry Potter 5, as I have only seen the end, and wanted to see it all. The kids joined me (mom and dad were at the store) when it got dark outside. After a while, they started falling asleep, so we said a small family prayer, and they went off to bed. As I was tucking Dante into bed, he told me "Mindy, do you know why I dont like to watch Harry Potter before bed?"
"No Dante, tell me why."
"Because it gives me bad dreams"
So, trying to be comforting, I explained to him about how we can pray before we go to bed to not have bad dreams, and how if we have a bad dream, we can pray for comfort and to not have any more. He seemed to accept it, and went to sleep.
This mornong, Rachel came into breakfast and proceeded to tell us about a bad dream that she had. Dante piped up and said "you should have prayed to not have bad dreams"
I was both amused by his response and was pleased he listend and learned.

Alive

I walk bearfoot outside, two plants in hand, and a basketfull over my arm. The sun is shining, and there is a slight breeze. Perfect day. No jacket needed. No shoes needed. The grass is growing, it smells wonderful outside. This is what it means to be alive. Just you and the elements. I grab a huge bag of dirt and start my hunt for pots for these plants. The grass is green and tender beneth my feet. It has been a long time since I have been allowed to walk bearfooted, and I feel every bump and curve in the dirt under the grass. I find what I'm looking for, and move to a place in the sun. It feels warm on my back, and gives me energy I haven't had in a long time. I start with rocks in the bottom of the pots. I have to go find the rocks, and dig them up since we don't seem to have any just lying about. It feels so good to go and dig around in the dirt. To feel the dirt under my fingernails, to feel the dirt in between my toes. It feels so good. I find the rocks, put them in the pots, and start pouring in the sandy bottom dirt. I tenderly, gently, convince the plants to come out of their plastic starter pots, and into a real pot, so they can grow, and get bigger. Some listen willingly, others listen a bit more stubbornly. They come out and into their new home. I cover them with wonderful rich dirt. It smells so good. So healthy. What more to life could one want? I finish moving them all. I get some water, and let them drink. They have been worked hard, and will likely go into shock. Hopefully they all will recover. I give them fresh, clean water to drink, and talk to them more. "You'll like your new home. It will give you plenty of room to grow with." I take them inside, and place them around the house. I take a deep breath and smell the fresh dirt, the smells of spring they brought in with them. I grab a book, and head back outside. This is what it means to be alive.

Change

I've written in the past about change, and how much change has gone on in the world, especially when I first got home from my mission. It was, as I put it then, bitter-sweet. It seems odd to me just how much life has changed, and this week, I am especially noticing just how much my family, my parents in particular, have changed.
The first changed I notice this week is just how much of a voice I no longer have in the family. I used to be able to be at least somewhat in charge of the kids, and they would listen, and do what I asked them too. I suppose too long out of the way makes it so that I am now just a playmate, and no longer Mindy Mommy. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that.
Next chnage I really noticed is that although my parents still argue a lot, it doesn't seem to be as much as when I was here before. It isn't over every single little detail that they argue. They just argue over some of the details. It is quite refreshing, honestly. While frist growing up, I never noticed it. But then after moving away for a while for school, and then comming home to it, I noticed it more. And now, I'm so happy it is less than before. I wonder what changed it?
Anotehr change I noticed is mom and dad's policy on some stuff. There used to be certian rules in place while I was growing up. One of the rules was that there would be no TV on before breakfast, and certianly not until homework was done after school. However, I've noticed that now, the TV comes on about as soon as mom wakes up (to check the weather for the day, I guess. She used to just listen to the radio alarm she has go off every morning, but I guess it doesn't do the job?), and is again on right as soon as they come home from school (it turns off during the day, since I don't enjoy watching it. I'll use it to watch a movie or something, but not more than that.). It used to not come on until about 5, so that she could watch her million channels of news (which she still does watch all million channels of news), and then sometimes go off until 10 for the nightly news. Now it seems to just be on all the time.
Another policy that has changed is the food policy. Mom and Dad used to be huge on "if you don't like it, go hungry." There were nights when yes, I did go hungry, but it taught me to appreciate the food I did like more, and to at least try and eat those food I absolutely hated. Now, they prepare something different for the kids when they don't like what is being eaten. A great example of this is a dinner we will be having later in the week. Spinach Crepe's. Mom, Dad and I all seem to think they are really really good. The kids aren't as much a fan of them as we are. So what happens? Wait, they get a quesadilla? No going hungry for the night?
All around, my parents seem to have gotten more lax on some of their rules. I'm not sure what to think of it all. On one hand, I think it is good that they have gotten lax on some things. Letting the kids eat something differetn for example, is one I might be okay with. It was something I had been pondering instituting with my own kids, just having them help (or when they are old enough make on their own) with whatever alternate food they would be eating. Some of the other changes that have happened around here... I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll just have to stick around and see what happens.

Saying Good-Bye

A song to listen to while you read here

It's the end of semester. Yesterday was the last day of tests, and now all my roomates are leaving. I've had no sleep (maybe 30 minutes all told), I've been saying good-bye to people all night. One roomate left at 2, one at 5, and then one is leaving at 10ish, but her ride is comming about 8sih to start packing her up. We also have been cleaning our apartment, and making sure that we have all of our packing done. Its been quite the night. We went out and had some great times since it was our last night togetehr as roomates. We ate way too much food (spending way too much money in the process), but man, it was so good. And, more, it was so much fun. Good memories, made just tonight.
I've always had a hard time with good-byes. Especially since I'm never quite sure when I'll see them again. Some people I know that I will see soon, but some, who knows? One friend that I said good-bye to, right before my mission, I still haven't been able to see, and I'm not sure when I'll get to (He's supposed to come up over Memorial Day weekend, but I'll be in Utah). It makes me sad, because here I had such good friends, and such meaningful relationships with these people. But then they are gone. It always leavs me feeling... empty. Wanting more in life, but not having anything new to fill it.
Many people tell me this is the pesimistic way of viewing things, and yes, it probably is, but there isn't much that I can do about it. That is just the way I am. I do often reflect in the past. Probably more than is healthy for me, but it can bring back some good memories. I know that as I reflect back on this semester, it is filled with many good times. I'm going to miss everyone so much, and already do, and they just left. No more having someone singing 24/7, no more person wanting to go on a mission asking missionary questions all the time, no more feeling like I need to protect someone else. Its all gone. It is hard to realize just how attached you get to someone, until they are gone.
It also brings up many qustions, having to move on. Will my new roomates be just as good? Will I be able to be attached to them also, or will I have roomates like I had once, who I could care less if I saw them again? Who am I going to go talk to when my roomates are driving me crazy and I just have to get out of the house? Who am I going to go to the temple with? An even bigger question, Will I ever see these people again? So many questions, with many different possible outcomes.
(Sigh) Life is really hard sometimes. It is hard to be an adult, and having to be responsible. I so want to just give up my responsiblity, and be 10 again. Life was good at 10. But even at 10, I still had to say good-bye.
I suppose that God is giving me a lesson in trust, again and still. Again, it is back to "Consider the Lilies." Learn to trust in God that he will provide, that whatever happens, really it is for the best. I have had a hard time with that for a long time. Why do certian things have to be how they are, and why do I have to learn that lesson right now? I have many conversations with God about life, and why now, and what His timing is for certian things. And just certian experiences in general. I feel them often to be one-sided converstions, and don't often feel an answer come back my way, but, that goes back to the lesson of "trust in God, He knows what is best."
This semester went way too fast for my liking. It is already April, and I got home about 4 months ago, and started to become "normal." When I first started this semester, I had some ideas of how it was going to go. And now the semester is done. It was an amazing semester, and everyone that made it amazing is going home. I'm not sure how this week home is going to go, because I'm going to come back here, and try and make things one way, but have them be another. This could be interesting

Faith, and Talking with God

The last few days have been an interesting few days. I spent a large part of last week looking for a job for next semester, and on Thursday, was offered a job. I accepted, and started training on Friday. That night, I had my past come back to haunt me, and got majorly depressed. Saturday, I spent a large portion of the day talking with God. He gave me an answer that I wasnt happy with, but had come to accept. The answer He seemed to give was in the form of a song. It is a song I am only vaguely famliar with, but was able to think of the first line of the song. It is called Consider the Lilies, based on a scripture found in Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount. The basis of the scripture (and song) is that the flowers can't cloth themselves, and that God will provide for them, and take care of them. I am in a tight spot for next semester, and barely have enough for tuition, and so I thought a job was the right answer (especially since I don't qualify for financial aid exept for loans). Now, God seems to be telling me otherwise. This is where faith kicks in, and I have to trust. I havent completely made up my mind as to what I plan on doing, but I have to exercise faith. God will provide a way. I just need to figure out what that way is. I think I'll be doing a lot of talking with God over the next few days.

Parenting

In one of my classes today, we talked about parenting, and dealing with children's emotions. As part of it, we watched these two videos. I enjoyed them a lot, so I hope you enjoy!

Video One

Video Two

Possibe Dish-Strike

Every semester, I somehow end up with the same problem. I end up doing all the dishes in the aprtment all the time. I don't mind, in fact I actually like doing dishes; I find it to be theraputic. The only problem lies in the fact that if I have a busy week, and don't have time to do any dishes except for the ones I just used to make/eat a meal, then we end up with a sink full of dishes that just sit there for days on end. I was talking it over with a friend yesterday, and they suggested going on strike, and just not doing any dishes except for my own any more. one problem with that is that we just use each others dishes, so I cant exactly just do my dishes, because other people will just use the clean dishes, and not do any. I really don't mind doing dishes, and I really don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I just want to know if there is a way to un-do what I tend to do every semester (namely spoiling my roomates and doing all the dishes), and help my roomates learn responsibility in this small way.
Any suggestions?

Lessons in Fencing

Today I was preparing a lesson for our FHE (a night students get together and have a spiritual thought and activity), based on the thought of scripture study. I found a talk that brought up some very valid points, and found some suggestions to give to the other students on how to tailor their scripture study to themselves. One of the ideas that was given was to define the unknown terms, so you understand what the scripture is saying.

In fencing, we recently learned a lot of different attacks, parries, and defences. The first day of class, she had some of the TA's demonstrate what we would be learning, and called out moves for them to do, and I sat back and wondered "will I ever get it all strait?" Today in class, I was thinking "I should find someone to practice with that can help me." I thought about it and realized that I don't know anyone who could help me practice. No one knows how to do anything I would need practice with. I could go up to my good friend SG and say "Hey, I need help with practicing fencing, so do an advance, and then feint four to six, then do a ballestra, and I'm going to retreat, then parry 4 and 6, and to a Passata-sotto. Ready, go!" but he would have no idea what any of that was, and no idea how to help me out. Even just a basic idea of what the term meant wouldn't be any help.

And then I put the two together.

Fencing can be like scripture study. There are a lot of terms in both that people might not understand. those people who have more practice with scriptural terms understand more of what is going on, and don't need to learn as much. similarly, I have a friend L (she got married recently, and I don't know her new last name), who has been fencing from the dawn of time, and understands what a passata-sotto, a bellestra, and many other things that I've never heard of are. As we get more practiced, we understand more, and can do more without help.

Carnivorous Plants

A friend introduced me today to the National Geographic Magazine online (not for the sake of introducing it, but to use it to show me about El nino years). I should have guessed that it would be online, since everything else is online, but I never looked into it. One of the things they had in there (I think it was for this months magazine) was all about carnivorous plants. Now, I learned a little bit about them in my ecology class, but one detail that slipped by me without noticing it was that these plants eat insects (and sometimes small animals) so that they can not get the carbon to create more mass that way. No, they use the animals in a different way. They use the animals and insects so that they can get nitrogen and phosphorus to be able to photosynthisise. How interesting! A Carnivorous plant who eats to photosynthesise! Now, if only those plants could teach me how to photosynthesise...

for some really cool pictures of these plants, go here

Organ recital 1

self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.

Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Huff Puff Ping-Pong

This is a video of a game we played in class today. Its called Huff Puff Ping-Pong. You blow the ping-pong ball around with straws, and try to get it over the goal. We played five intense rounds with people almost mashing each other and generally had fun and got some carpet burn. All while in class. Man, I love being a rec. major. :)

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

just for fun

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
a tomato

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Murfreesboro, TN

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
nope- never tried

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
my roomates

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:15-- i was done chatting at that time. :)

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
maybe

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
how about, ever been kissed?

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
tie between JW and BL

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yep

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Don't drink it- but its fine for others

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
i dont remember

12. Who took your profile picture?
me

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
people at Wheelchair Dodgeball

14. Was yesterday better than today?
about the same

15. Can you live a day without TV?
all the time

16. Are you upset about anything?
yep

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes

18. Are you a bad influence?
depends on who and what i am influincing

19. Night out or night in?
'pends on the night.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Air, water, food

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Ralph Roberts

22. What do/es the last text message in your inbox say?
dont got no texting :)

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
its there

24. Do you hate any one?
Satan

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Of course. Unless it was an Ibuprofen test when I have a headache

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
heck no!

27. What song is stuck in your head?
a christian song. i was listening to the christian station today. :)

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m. Who do you want it to be?
not a kidnapper or a hitperson

in the Snow

While in the Snow, you can usually hear all sorts of people practicing. A couple people just happened to be practicing this while I was trying to practice organ this morning. on one hand, it makes me jealous of their sweet skills, but on the other, it sounds really cool, and I'm glad there is someone in this world who has musical abilities to make really sweet music. Enjoy! (you'll want to turn the volume up quite a bit. This is inside my practice room, while listining to someone else practice, so its pretty quiet)

The Lord is my Shepherd

normally when I listen to the song The Lord is my Shepherd, I think about the fact that the Lord is my shepherd, and that He wants to lead me to a pasture where I will be able to partake of the word of God. Tonight, I heard it, and it struck me differently. In the second verse, it says:
Since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear.
He isnt just my shepherd, trying to feed me the word, he also is my Guardian- and he wants to protect me. It goes on to say:
Thy rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near. No harm can be fall with my Comforter near.
As my Guardian, he will protect me. His rod shall defend me. He will defend me from Satan, and wants to protect me from everything. He doesnt want any harm to come over me. He wants me to be comforted in my hard times, and wants me to be happy. The hard times will come, and Satan will attack. But we have someone better and stronger than us, a Guardian who will protect us with his staff.