When positive peer pressure is just too much

I've learned quickly in this brief postpartum period that everyone and their dog has an opinion about breastfeeding, and just how great it is. I've also discovered that some opinions are more helpful than others. and sometimes seemingly harmless comments meant to encourage can do just the opposite.
I'll admit that I've been having problems with breastfeeding thus far.  Not having anything there the first few days, then the colostrum coming in so slowly and in such small amounts I wasn't even able to syringe any up, let alone in the amounts that baby J wanted them in.  Now on to the problem that he's such an impatient eater, he won't latch on to me for more than 3-4 sucks, and then gets frustrated there isn't anything there, and that he actually has to put in some work to get something from me. Honestly, I don't want feeding time to be any more stressful than it already is for both of us (especially that 3am feeding....) that I've come up with my own system of  pumping what I can, feeding that to him, and then supplementing with formula. I'm content to do that until my actual milk comes in (and not just the colostrum or in-between the two stuff), and  if he's still too impatient after the milk comes in, then to continue on after. But then people give seemingly harmless comments about "The best thing about actually breastfeeding is..." and it's very discouraging, and honestly, a bit overwhelming. So far, I haven't been able to produce the amounts of stuff that J wants and I think that even if I could, he wouldn't latch on long enough to be able to get at it. But is there really a problem with pumping my milk, and just giving that to him in a bottle?  Isn't that good enough, and can't I get some encouragement on just what I can and am doing for this kid? I'm making sure he isn't starving, and I'm trying to get the amazing-ness that is breast milk to him in as much quantity as I possibly can. Isn't that good enough?  Can't people see that and be encouraging about "you're doing your best, and that's what counts"?  So far, out of the multiple people I've talked to about this problem (Drew, numerous nurses at the hospital, the hospital lactation consultant, mom and mom in law, sisters...) only 3 of those many, many people, have been supportive of what we've got going and encouraging that I'm trying my best, and thank heavens for today's medical advances. So yes, it is nice that people care about what's going on, and that they want to be encouraging.  Maybe just try a different tactic, and don't keep going on and on about "well, the great thing about actually breastfeeding is...." and try something more like "It sounds like you've got some problems there, but I'm glad your doing what you can for him"

Being home, again

For the first time in about two years, I'm home for more than two weeks.  Its a weird feeling.  I'm remembering why I hate coming home, what all comes with being a real person in the real world, and why I just like school better.
This last week was full of family, and events, and getting ready for them to come, and then making sure they have everything to leave again.  I lost my guaranteed part-time job (even though it wouldn't have payed like it), so now I'm totally jobless, and honestly, I'm tired of looking.  I know I need to, so I still put in a half-hearted effort, but its not what it should be.  I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of waiting for the phone to ring when I'm sure that it wont.  I think its dumb that I have to honestly answer a question saying that if I'm hired, I'll only be there for the next 0-6 months.  I'm fairly certain that the companies are discriminating against me because I won't be there that  long.
I'm tired of being the obedient and helpful daughter that I've always been.  Maybe the lack of a normal childhood is finally catching up to me, and I'm hitting my rebellious stage.  Somehow, I doubt it.  I feel the depression sneaking back into my life.  I'm skipping lunches again, and if people weren't around, I'm fairly certain I would only be eating dinner.
For the first time in my life, I have a boy in the same state as me that likes me as much as I like him.  He's only a 40 minute drive away.  Its amazing how far 40 minutes becomes when neither person has transportation, and public transportation doesn't go between the two places.  It may as well be different states.  And although I've gotten to see him a lot more this summer than I ever expected to (I honestly, didn't expect to see him until next May), it still feels like forever away.  And I'm fairly certain that this time of leaving will be a lot harder the last.
I suddenly remember how much mom and dad argue.  Its not as much as it was before I left for Tennessee, for which I am most thankful, but it is still a lot, and it reminds me how hard I have to fight myself to not argue with everyone over everything, and how much more often I do it here at home than I do other places.
I'm always more depressed at home, and I never know why.  Its been said that your subconscious remembers things, and that certain places will trigger old emotions, old thoughts, and etc.  I find this to generally be really true.  Maybe that's what has been triggering this recently.
I long for life to be back to how I remember it being.  Happy while no one else is around, excited for work, waiting for school to start again, and nothing else going on.

Remembering and Thinking

Recently, with the warmer weather, and having a lot of time on my hands again, I turn to thinking about just last year this time of year. I was a missionary in a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee (the exact center of Tennessee). I was with a sister that I got along with amazingly well (probably almost better than most of my other companions), and things seemed to be going pretty good. We didn't have a lot of people to teach, so we spent a lot of time trying to find more people to teach. There had been a tornado not too long ago (the Friday before Easter last year, which seems like it was around this time of year). It was extremely warm outside (we were just getting to the weather where we stepped outside for 5 minutes and were drenched in sweat), and life was good. I remember a couple people in particular in that area that we enjoyed visiting a lot, and remember the times we had with them quite fondly.
In the present day, and not a year ago, things are not quite the same. I'm in southeast Idaho, going to school, and have roommates that are...interesting. I read about a friend who is changing jobs, and feel's like he is dying to the world he knew. He had a purpose in life, and people he cared about. As I think back on the time I had in Murfreesboro, it makes me feel almost like I have no purpose in life right now. I'm just kind of going through life with no direction. I miss having that daily purpose of bringing others closer to Christ, and helping them come to understand better that He is their Savior. Life was good, and always full of things that needed to be done. It was full of people who wanted to listen to us (as well as people who definitely did not want to listen to us), and running to and fro from appointment to appointment, just to find out the people we had most hoped to be there decided they really didn't want to listen to us.
I miss those days a lot. I want to go back, want to have things in my life that seem of greater importance. Education is important, yes, but it doesn't feel important right now. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, trying to figure out what I need to be doing in life.

ramblings

WARNING: THIS POST IS RAMBLINGS STRAIGHT FROM MY MIND TO THIS POST

It's the beginning of the semester. Summer has come and it's beautiful outside. I don't know anyone. So, what do I do when its nice outside and I don't know anyone? I spend all day outside, away from my roommates. Today, my roommates got to experience my summer lifestyle first hand. I ate dinner, than went to do homework in the gardens (before it was dark and it was questionable to go there). As I was leaving, one of my roommates said "did she really just eat dinner then run off?"
Yes. Yes I bloody well did.
What's wrong with it?
I am also about to start hitting the roads of Rexburg at night again. Then my roommates will thinks I'm even more weird. I spend almost no time inside at home during the summer. I'll probably be spending more since now a lot of homework is due online, and a lot of reading is done online. But, I probably won't be home much. It is weird to think about. This whole new semester is weird. It almost feels like a missionary transfer, but instead of me going to a new area, I stayed in the area, and everyone else changed, and not just my companion (the sister I would serve with).
My roomates are great girls, so why do I avoid them? Why am I trying to see how much time I can spend away from time? And why do I do this more and more anymore? Why do I always in the summers dwell so much on the past, and have a hard time making new memories to replace them? I have been asking myself why a lot recently. Sadly, I also have no answers to go with all the whys

Saying Good-Bye

A song to listen to while you read here

It's the end of semester. Yesterday was the last day of tests, and now all my roomates are leaving. I've had no sleep (maybe 30 minutes all told), I've been saying good-bye to people all night. One roomate left at 2, one at 5, and then one is leaving at 10ish, but her ride is comming about 8sih to start packing her up. We also have been cleaning our apartment, and making sure that we have all of our packing done. Its been quite the night. We went out and had some great times since it was our last night togetehr as roomates. We ate way too much food (spending way too much money in the process), but man, it was so good. And, more, it was so much fun. Good memories, made just tonight.
I've always had a hard time with good-byes. Especially since I'm never quite sure when I'll see them again. Some people I know that I will see soon, but some, who knows? One friend that I said good-bye to, right before my mission, I still haven't been able to see, and I'm not sure when I'll get to (He's supposed to come up over Memorial Day weekend, but I'll be in Utah). It makes me sad, because here I had such good friends, and such meaningful relationships with these people. But then they are gone. It always leavs me feeling... empty. Wanting more in life, but not having anything new to fill it.
Many people tell me this is the pesimistic way of viewing things, and yes, it probably is, but there isn't much that I can do about it. That is just the way I am. I do often reflect in the past. Probably more than is healthy for me, but it can bring back some good memories. I know that as I reflect back on this semester, it is filled with many good times. I'm going to miss everyone so much, and already do, and they just left. No more having someone singing 24/7, no more person wanting to go on a mission asking missionary questions all the time, no more feeling like I need to protect someone else. Its all gone. It is hard to realize just how attached you get to someone, until they are gone.
It also brings up many qustions, having to move on. Will my new roomates be just as good? Will I be able to be attached to them also, or will I have roomates like I had once, who I could care less if I saw them again? Who am I going to go talk to when my roomates are driving me crazy and I just have to get out of the house? Who am I going to go to the temple with? An even bigger question, Will I ever see these people again? So many questions, with many different possible outcomes.
(Sigh) Life is really hard sometimes. It is hard to be an adult, and having to be responsible. I so want to just give up my responsiblity, and be 10 again. Life was good at 10. But even at 10, I still had to say good-bye.
I suppose that God is giving me a lesson in trust, again and still. Again, it is back to "Consider the Lilies." Learn to trust in God that he will provide, that whatever happens, really it is for the best. I have had a hard time with that for a long time. Why do certian things have to be how they are, and why do I have to learn that lesson right now? I have many conversations with God about life, and why now, and what His timing is for certian things. And just certian experiences in general. I feel them often to be one-sided converstions, and don't often feel an answer come back my way, but, that goes back to the lesson of "trust in God, He knows what is best."
This semester went way too fast for my liking. It is already April, and I got home about 4 months ago, and started to become "normal." When I first started this semester, I had some ideas of how it was going to go. And now the semester is done. It was an amazing semester, and everyone that made it amazing is going home. I'm not sure how this week home is going to go, because I'm going to come back here, and try and make things one way, but have them be another. This could be interesting

Possibe Dish-Strike

Every semester, I somehow end up with the same problem. I end up doing all the dishes in the aprtment all the time. I don't mind, in fact I actually like doing dishes; I find it to be theraputic. The only problem lies in the fact that if I have a busy week, and don't have time to do any dishes except for the ones I just used to make/eat a meal, then we end up with a sink full of dishes that just sit there for days on end. I was talking it over with a friend yesterday, and they suggested going on strike, and just not doing any dishes except for my own any more. one problem with that is that we just use each others dishes, so I cant exactly just do my dishes, because other people will just use the clean dishes, and not do any. I really don't mind doing dishes, and I really don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I just want to know if there is a way to un-do what I tend to do every semester (namely spoiling my roomates and doing all the dishes), and help my roomates learn responsibility in this small way.
Any suggestions?

self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.

Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Recreation- Aristotle Style

In one of my classes, we do a lot of reading (more than I would ever guess, since its a Recreation class-- shouldnt we recreate?), and in one of the readings we had today, i came across this, and it made me think.

Aristotle's discription of the good life contributes greatly to understanding the attributes of wholesome recreation. A central principle of the good life is the golden mean, or moderation; overindulgance hinders the attainment of the good life. According to this principle, it is possible to fish too much, ski too much, or watch too much television. Exceptions to this rule are gaining wisdom and understanding, which Aristotle described as limitless goods.

How much to I personally fall into the trap of overindulgance. I enjoy doing things, but do I enjoy it too much. Apparantly the one exception to this is homework, and other school work (good thing i'm a student right now, and so I can overindulge in it all I want). However, how many times as a student, or as any other person, do I take an activity and go to far with it?

To Aristotle, the crowing virtue of the good life is leasure. But leasure does not refer to idleness or napping; it refers to activites by which human beings learn and aquire intellectual virtues. The intellectual virtues such as art, knowledge, understnding, and wisdom are the highest virtues of the good life. For Arisotle, thinking and using our minds is a distinctly human activity and the ultimate purpose of leasure. To Aristotle then, ethical leasure activities must include thinking and reasoning. these activites may be practicle as gardening, cooking, or cabinet making,- all of which require skill or art- or as complex as scientific research, musical composition, and philosophical thought.

So just how many of my daily activites fit into "the good life" as defined by Aristotle? he's a pretty smart guy, and seems to know what he is talking about all the time, doesnt he? how will i need to change how i recreate, just so that i can make my life a better one?

Four charactaristics of ethical leasure have been derived from Aristotle's description of the good life. Intellectual activity, creative activity, meaningful relationships and moral behavior. In summer, Aristotle's good life is a life of reflection, a life of seeking that which is good and lasting. it is not a thoughtless life of passiveness and passivity, or a hedonistic life of seeking thrills and pleasure through artificial stimulants or exotic activites...

I suppose, that as long as you try and have some sort of recreation from all four of the areas, then you will be doing good? hopefully. that makes it all pretty easy to follow.

No Child Left Behind

mom came home from work today telling me about this new girl who just moved to Utah from Iraq. the thing is, they are now just doing the CRT testing for no child left behind, and this girl has to take them. she doesnt know any english so she cant understand what is being presented. she should be able to do the math portion, you would think (do they have math portions? i dont remember), since math is "the universal language" and they have math in Iraq. but, for the purposes of No Child Left Behind (herin referred to as NCLB), she is basically just one more student who will make their child fail. i would think that since she just got here, they wouldnt make her take the tests, but they are. why? it doesnt give an accurate report. she arrived in the middle of doing the tests. and she doesnt know any english. is this fair? they dont even have the bubble sheets for her to make pretty designs on it any more, its all computerized. i dont see how they can be getting accurate reports with having people who have just arrived in the country taking the tests. does it make sense to you, cause it certianly doesnt make sense to me.

to be a Q

I was watching Star Treck the other day (i've been on a star treck kick, and have some of the series check out from the library), and one of the episodes that i was watching was about an intern that they picked up and brought on board. she turned out to be one of the Q. she had to make a decision as to if she wanted to be one of the Q, or if she would make herself not use her powers, and live onboard the Enterprise. it made me stop and think, what would i do if i were placed in that situation? now, i'll stop and explaine what exactly a Q is, for those who might not know. a Q is, simply put in his own words, an omnipotent being, who can do whatever they like. they can make things appear, dissapear, live wherever, do whatever (to a point) at their whim. they can live in space without any space suit, they can make all the jewels in the world appear, they can make someone fall in love with them. whatever they want, they can get. they can take any shape they want, as well. this girl, amanda the intern, comes onboard the Enterprise and suddenly starts showing Q powers. she is faced with the decision of being able to use her powers and live (in the continum, of course), or die. what plesent options, no? in the end, she chose to be able to use her powers, but she only used them for the good of others. would i have chosen the same, and used the same nobility? i like to think so, but at the same time, i'm not at all certian. since i am just a mear mortal, i might just end up being all selfish and using it for my own wants. there are many things i would change about my life, but also about things around me. it would be an interesting conundrum to be in, and one i'm happy i dont have to be in. i dont think i would make the right choice

Rexburg Dreams

I'm riding along on my bike. It's a race! but, I'm not supposed to be there. BJ is supposed to. not me. but i have to be. a mob is after BJ, and she can't be shot. other people i know are also in the race. RL, MC, SG, JW, all in the race, and i'm actually keeping up with them. but someone is in the mob. we pass the next to last marker. suddenly. its just me, SG, and MC. everyone else has finished. out of the blue, SG pulls out a gun, "Get her gone!" MC yells. i dont know what they mean, but guess they must be in the mob. SG aims at me, and as i panic, i pull far ahead and finish the race. just as i pass the finish line, SG shoots, twice, and his aim is sure. both times. i'm thrown from my bike and fall to the ground. a pain in my left side. "at least BJ is safe. i did my job." SG comes over to make sure i'm dead, and there he stands, watching me till i die.

a release is found

now that its all spring like outside, i can start working in the garden again. huzzah! i was turning the garden all weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. i was able to get away from all the many many thoughts i've had running through my head all day, singing songs all about cutting people up and putting them in pies, it was just me and the dirt. oh, and the worms that i had to move out of the way of course. it was so nice. i was able to release all that frusturation into the dirt, able to forget the fact that Rachel seems to be suffering from depression, the fact that her stupid step-mother suddenly seems to be turning on us and making it so we cant ever see her, the fact that mom and dad are upset with me. it didnt matter. it was just me and the dirt. i loved it. i used to just go work in the garden for the extra couple of dollars a week i could make. now, i'm frusturated that there arent any weeds left to pull, no other dirt needs to be turned. nothing left needs to be done. i'm going to miss it when i go on my mission.

eloping

a lot of peoples i know have been getting married, are engaged, or are soon to be engaged. all of them have their weddings that they have been planning out. lucky me, i dont have to plan out my wedding, or even think about planning a wedding. ever. my dearest sister has it all planned out. but here's the thing. i dont want a wedding, and especially not like my sister has planned out for me. (the other fact being that i really doubt any guy is going to propose. it just doesnt seem to happen.) she's all into big ol' fany weddings, and she know's that i'm not. my dear sister has the colours chosen, the flowers (per my request, the only thing i've had a say in) chosen, and who's going to be there, and where it's going to be. but here's another thought. i'm much to chicken to tell my parents about any guy who might actually propose. mostly, because i dont see it ever happening, and seconly, because last time (last time? only time.) i told my mom i had a boyfriend, she was highly disaproving. would she be more approving if i told her that some guy had just proposed? somehow, i really doubt it. so, i've decided that if it ever were to happen, i would have to elope. i'll just send my parents a "hey, we got eloped. sorry i didnt tell you" note, that way, everyone is informed, and i get what i want too. i dont know, maybe its a rotton way to look at it, you can decide that for yourself. but, as for me, i think that's how it will have to be done. yep. its all planned out now. i can have my wedding just the way i want it, and everyone else will just have to like it. :)

kids

we had a ward talent night last night, and of course, i wasnt really paying attention to what was going on, i was watching all the kids. they were cute, and some of the things they did made me think. there was one boy, Caleb (he used to be one of my sunbeams :D ), was after this girl (sorry, i dont remember her name) all night. when he first got there, and saw that this girl was there asked "mom, can i go play with [that girl]?" of course he was allowed. it was really cute to watch the interaction between those two kids. it reminded me a lot of how YSA interact with each other. he followed her around all night, and offered her the jellybeans out of his hand. when it came time to sit and watch everyone perform their talents, he was the MOST discouraged little guy i have ever seen when her brother sat down beside her, and refused to relequish his spot next to his beloved sister. he was even more discouraged by the fact that the gal didnt help him out any, telling her brother to move and make room for little Caleb. so, he settled for sitting right in front of her, as close as possible. when her brother finally did move, Caleb hurredly moved to sit next to the girl he was trying to win all night. he was extatic about this fact, and refused to move. it was fun to sit and watch this interaction. i had never realized that the "boy gets girl" things started just that young. it makes perfect sense though, and makes one wonder about just why we do it, for almost all of our lives, until the boy finally does "get the girl" or the girl finally does "get the guy" i know that we as humans are programmed to have all that in us, so that we can fulfill God's commands and procreate and fill the earth. but why do these certian desires fill us at such a young age? this must be one of the many factors that plays a part in the fact that people get married so young, (and hence the "get married"ness of dear old BYUI.)

sharing

i miss having people with with i can share whats going on in my life. i no longer live with three other girls who are up for a discussion, even at 12pm. i no longer go walking with a friend for supposedly hour long walks, which usually ended up a lot longer than that. i dont have anyone at work that i can tell about whats going on either. i dont even really feel like i can tell my parents most things that are going on in my life and at work. i want someone here to do that.

thinking

so, i was thinking about things, and then about rachel, and then about my mission, and i realized something. you know, my papers were put on hold, and then rachel left, and things started happening with them. they were no longer on hold. they went in to the stake president. at first, it struck me as odd, then i realized, you know, God makes things happen for certian reasons, so there has to be a reason behind the timing on all this. now, what that reason is, i dont know. if it was because i was supposed to be around for rachel's sake while she was here and going through it all, its a possiblity, but for some reason, i dont think so. she's been through stuff like it before, and has been just fine, with out me there. my next thought was that, i guess then, i was supposed to learn something from it. what, i dont know, and i dont know if i really want to think about that much more, 'cause the thoughts it led to were most unplesent. but, apparantly, i was supposed to be here and learn something from it, if only from the fact that i know just how much easier it would have been if i had been like, say, in idaho, or on my mission. so, i guess it was a learning experience, but i dont know what i learned. just thought i would share. :)


P.S honestly, i thinks i do too much thinking for my own good. :) just thought i would share that too. :)

new years!

this post is going to have two purposes to it, and therefore, its going to be really long. maybe. i guess it will all depend on how chatty i deciede i want to be today. one purpose is to make some new years resolutions, and put them here so that maybe, if i've "told" them to someone else, i'll feel more obligated to actually complete them. to make those resolutions, i'm going to have to review the year, and see how it has been and what i need to change. so we'll actually complete purpopse two first, but i never said i did things in order.


so to sum up the year. if i had to do it in one word it would be...full. it was a very full year. full of lots and lots of different things. i think the easiest way to do this is to break it up into different areas in my life, and give a short summery of what has happened with it all. maybe?

first area would have to be school. school honestly didnt go so well this year. you wouldnt know it looking at the grades, but honestly, it didnt go well. i was too preoccupied with other things that came up. it came second to everything. honestly, i'm surprised that i didnt get sick at all during the school year. (knocks on wood) i guess i shouldnt complain though, because after it all, i only have to retake one class (i'll admit that i'm not happy about it, because since it for my minor, i have to have a C to pass, but those taking it for their major can get a D and still not have to retake it. hmph!)

next area i guess would have to be the mental/emotional health. things in this area got a lot better. its not completely better, and there's still a LOT that i need to fix, but it is much better than it was. i'm beginning to see some of life's challenges in a different light, thanks to the wonderful help of my councelors. i'm getting a better grip on my deperession, and learning some coping tactics for being here at home. its helped out quite a bit.

that area leads right to the spiritual area of my life. this area has changed a lot over the year. one big accomplishment was to make it through the book of mormon for the first time ever. i started out the year thinking, "oh nothing really is going to change over the year" but, wouldnt you know it, i end up the year getting ready for a mission? i think that i'm as surprised about it as anyone else. but, it will be a good change of pace for life for a bit. its something that i think has been needing to happen, to get me where i am eventually supposed to be spiritually. i'm excited for it all, and i guess we shall have to see just how it progresses.

now, that is the sum up of all the areas of my life (unless anyone else can think of anything that i might have left out? i'm open for suggestions), which takes us to my resolutions for the year.

1- for as long as i'm doing PAD, no more random food shots.
2- i'd like to make it through the book of mormon for a second time, but this time, not taking two weeks to do it. actually gettting into it and such.
3- excersise more. i need to be getting in shape if i'm really going to be doing lots and lots of walking on my mission. i was doign good at doing 1-4 hour walks. but not so much any more.
4- improve my cooking skills. this is more of a long term goal that i've had for lots of years, and it has indeed improved. but they could get better. i still cant cook worth beans
5- improve my interpersonal skills. despite what some of you may belive, i'm really a shy and quiet person, and i'm going to have to improve that. some of that will come on my mission, but i'll need to start working on it now.

there are many many others, but for now, i'll just commit to those. i dont want to overwhelm myself.

here's to everyone else having a good new year, and all that. cheers!

2- i'd like to make it through the book of mormon for the second time in my life, and this time taking it slower than two weeks, so that i can get into it.

trust

trust is a funny thing. its something that takes a long time to gain, and it can be thrown away so much quicker. the trust of parents can be even more interesting. parents trust their kids to do, or to not do certian things. for example, mom will trust me to do the wash, sew dante' some PJs, and mow the lawn, but she doesnt trust me to drive her anywhere, run the tiller, or plan a decent primary lesson. what is it that makes someone trust, or not trust someone. most of it must come from past experience. based on a persons past experience will make it so that they know your behaviour and will either trust you, or not. mom knows that i can do the wash all by myself. i've been doing wash since i was old enough to walk (or so it seems) but she seems to base my abilitys to drive on my sisters' ability to drive (she absolutely refuses to let me drive her anywhere, even if i am the better driver in storms, and in the dark). but people have to have trust to get along, and to get things done. trust is esential in business deals. it has to be present so that each side will do what they say. trust has to be esential for leaders to get things done in their groups. but how do we get to trust someone? someone can ask you "why do you trust this person" but do you really have an answer, besides based on experience? "what made you first trust this person?" can anyone really honestly answer the question?