There's nothing quite like it

The sun on my back while wearing dark clothes
hugs from that person you never see
A cat by your side when you don't feel good and all
A first kiss
The smell of fresh baked bread
The feel of warm clothes as they come out of the dryer

Any additions to the list?

Life is.... life

Life since my last update hasn't been to eventful.  I finally found a job, and my dearest is still up in Idaho at school.  I'm still in Utah, at home, and feeling more and more like a hermit.
The job I found is not at all what I wanted.  I've worked for the place before, and it isn't my exact favourite job. Its working in a call center, doing telephone surveys with people.  I'm working nights and Saturdays, so I hardly ever see my family.  I see dad for maybe a couple hours in the evening (if at all that night), Dante for a couple hours in the morning, and mom for a couple hours both times.  I chat with people online, sometimes, but because i'm home during the day, and they are at class/working during the day, I hardly ever get to talk to people that way either.  The only people I ever get to talk to are at work, and people on the phone, and they generally aren't really happy to talk to me.  BUT, its a job.  It's a paycheck.  It's money in my account so I (hopefully) won't have to take out any student loans.  I shouldn't complaine, and I should be grateful.  Thats the lesson i'm learning at this time.  To be greatful for what I do have in life, and not wish for what I don't.

Having my dearest up in Idaho has been hard, to say the least.  Another good friend has recently found himself his first love, which is amazing for him.  And I really and truly am happy for him.  Its fun to hear of his new adventure into this stage of life, and remember my first ventures down the road (which seems a long time ago.  was it really only 4 years?).  at the same time, hearing about it is sometimes hard.  it makes me miss what i don't have.  I look forward to the future, and count the days till the next known time we will at least be in the same state.

The last couple weeks, Dante has been off track, and has been keeping me company.  Monday, he'll go back to school, and I realized I'll be home by myself every day.  I'll see my family less, and become even more of a hermit.  Before, when I worked where I worked, I wanted to be a hermit, and spend as much time away from my family as possible.  Now, I want to see them.  Working during the day is my preference.  I want to see my family, and spend as much time with them as possible.  What a change.

Life certianly is interesting.  It throws a lot of twists and turns at us that are unexpected.  Who ever knew this would come?  God certianly has a sense of humor.

Lessons from the Flower Bed

While home for the weekend, I started work on my poor neglected flower box. It hasn't been touched (basically) since I left on my mission, two years ago. Mom took the opportunity to plant some Grape Hyacinths in there in the spring this year (unbeknownst to me while I was up at school). she informed me of this while I was looking at my box, trying to determine if any of the plants that were supposed to be annuals were still there. They weren't there, sadly. So, I started work on my box, and per Mom's request, making sure to go around the Grape Hyacinths. While I was working on it, I thought to myself just how much easier it would be to tear it all up, and start again, and just forget the Grape Hyacinths. My mind then wandered to the gospel, and I realized that although there are times in life it might seem easier just to rip everything out and start over, is it really worth it? if we were to compare the Grape Hyacinths to the gospel, and the flower bed to life in general, would it really be worth it? Would it really be worth loosing the gospel, just to make life easier to start over with it all? I thought about some friends who are struggling right now in their life with different issues and temptations and wondered, would their life be easier if they just gave up on everything, and just started over?
It made me stop and think. Yes, it might seem easier in the short term to just rip it all out, start fresh, and forget everything that you once knew. But how would life without the gospel, without having that center in Christ really feel and work? Having that in life is indeed a strength in hard times.
As I kept working in the box, getting rid of weeds here, moving an ant trap there, it made me keep thinking. As long as I knew some boundaries (made by going in with a small hand shovel, and sometimes just fingers), and knew what parts were the Grape Hyacinths, I was able to easily avoid digging them up. I could take the big shovel, and just get all the other stuff out of there, and start completely fresh. Same with life. As we get in there, and take great care, noticing which parts are worth saving, which parts will continue to help us in life, we can make sure to go far around them. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, and we have to carefully go through everything to know which is which, but it is so worth it in the end.

Remembering and Thinking

Recently, with the warmer weather, and having a lot of time on my hands again, I turn to thinking about just last year this time of year. I was a missionary in a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee (the exact center of Tennessee). I was with a sister that I got along with amazingly well (probably almost better than most of my other companions), and things seemed to be going pretty good. We didn't have a lot of people to teach, so we spent a lot of time trying to find more people to teach. There had been a tornado not too long ago (the Friday before Easter last year, which seems like it was around this time of year). It was extremely warm outside (we were just getting to the weather where we stepped outside for 5 minutes and were drenched in sweat), and life was good. I remember a couple people in particular in that area that we enjoyed visiting a lot, and remember the times we had with them quite fondly.
In the present day, and not a year ago, things are not quite the same. I'm in southeast Idaho, going to school, and have roommates that are...interesting. I read about a friend who is changing jobs, and feel's like he is dying to the world he knew. He had a purpose in life, and people he cared about. As I think back on the time I had in Murfreesboro, it makes me feel almost like I have no purpose in life right now. I'm just kind of going through life with no direction. I miss having that daily purpose of bringing others closer to Christ, and helping them come to understand better that He is their Savior. Life was good, and always full of things that needed to be done. It was full of people who wanted to listen to us (as well as people who definitely did not want to listen to us), and running to and fro from appointment to appointment, just to find out the people we had most hoped to be there decided they really didn't want to listen to us.
I miss those days a lot. I want to go back, want to have things in my life that seem of greater importance. Education is important, yes, but it doesn't feel important right now. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, trying to figure out what I need to be doing in life.

Lessons in Fencing

Today I was preparing a lesson for our FHE (a night students get together and have a spiritual thought and activity), based on the thought of scripture study. I found a talk that brought up some very valid points, and found some suggestions to give to the other students on how to tailor their scripture study to themselves. One of the ideas that was given was to define the unknown terms, so you understand what the scripture is saying.

In fencing, we recently learned a lot of different attacks, parries, and defences. The first day of class, she had some of the TA's demonstrate what we would be learning, and called out moves for them to do, and I sat back and wondered "will I ever get it all strait?" Today in class, I was thinking "I should find someone to practice with that can help me." I thought about it and realized that I don't know anyone who could help me practice. No one knows how to do anything I would need practice with. I could go up to my good friend SG and say "Hey, I need help with practicing fencing, so do an advance, and then feint four to six, then do a ballestra, and I'm going to retreat, then parry 4 and 6, and to a Passata-sotto. Ready, go!" but he would have no idea what any of that was, and no idea how to help me out. Even just a basic idea of what the term meant wouldn't be any help.

And then I put the two together.

Fencing can be like scripture study. There are a lot of terms in both that people might not understand. those people who have more practice with scriptural terms understand more of what is going on, and don't need to learn as much. similarly, I have a friend L (she got married recently, and I don't know her new last name), who has been fencing from the dawn of time, and understands what a passata-sotto, a bellestra, and many other things that I've never heard of are. As we get more practiced, we understand more, and can do more without help.

self destruction

It's now midterms in school, and I've found myself self-destructing. I find any excuse not to do homework, and studying (I have a doozy of a mid-term I should be studying for right now), and anything else productive. It brings me back memories of a semester about two and a half years ago. Summer of 2007.

This semester was a difficult one for me. I was doing 17 credits in school, and dealing with a lot in life. My depression was hitting hard and fast, and I was having to deal with it, and I was also greatly distracted by a boy at this time (though I refused to admit it to myself until the day before graduation for that semester). It was not the best semester in school to say the least. I'm not sure what it was, I like to say it was one of the classes I was taking (although in reality it was probably a combination of depression and allowing myself to be distracted by said boy) but I'll probably never know for sure, but that semester was the hardest I've had yet in school. Now, at midterms, I find myself falling into similar habits that I had then. I don't have any boy that is distracting me, but right now my depression has been flairing up, and it is bringing back old habits that I thought I had gotten over (namely seeing just how little food (my body doesn't like food at all during these times. I just am not hungry, and when I do eat, I have to force it down) and sleep I can make my body run on), and is just continuing the downward spiral that started somehow. So now I sit here, much more fully aware of what I do to myself, but I find myself lacking for coping habits. On my mission, I was able to distract myself from my depression and even lift it by teaching others about our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and just what it is He has done for us. Summer of '07, I would go on a nightly "hourly" walk. Now, I don't.

Winter has traditionally been a hard time of the year for me. I love the cold, and the snow and playing in it (or camping in it). But it is cold, and after so long, and especially at night when depression hits the worst, and I should go for a walk, or do something besides just sit in my apartment and self-destruct some more, I just don't want to go out in it. I read recently about a gal who is over her winter blues this year, thanks to a mega dose of vitamin D. It almost makes me want to go out to the store, and get a bottle of vitamin D, just to see if it helps. But again, I don't. I wonder sometimes if I secretly enjoy the depressed feelings I have, and if that is why I don't look into the ways to help myself, and why I self-destruct, especially trying to force my body to have as little sleep and food as possible. I like to say it is because I am in college, and have no money, and no time. But that isn't true (not completely, anyhow). I do have time, and could use a budget and have plenty of food. But I don't.

This also makes me wonder about my future semesters here. In one of my classes, we did an 8 semester plan for school. Starting with our first semester of our freshman year, and working our way to graduation. My plan ended up being about a 13 semester plan. It started with concurrent classes I took in high school, and ends with an internship. If things go as I have them planned right now, I wont graduate until 2012 (I'll walk in April, but won't actually graduate until July, after completing an internship). Before my mission, I had been planning on graduating this year. I had been planning on walking this April, and getting my deploma this July. Things never go as planned, so I shouldn't be surprised that it isnt workng as I had it all planned to be. It puts me down even more to know I still have another two years left of school. However, while looking at that schedual, those will all be 16 credit semesters. Based on past performance, I'm not sure how well that will go over. I know what classes I have to take, and what is required for them (mostly. There is one that I'm rather nervous to take. That one class alone is 7 credits. Yes, you read it right. SEVEN credits!), so I shouldn't be too worried about it. But based on past performance, I'm scared just what will actually happen. I knew what was required when I took 17 credits that summer also. And it didnt work out so well. I'm fairly certian I will do a lot of self-destructing those semesters also.

I almost wonder just why it is that my brain works the way it does. Why my depression chooses to express itself in the ways that it does, and just how self-destructive they really are. I almost want to find out more, but instead, I'll just sit here and self-destruct.

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

Change

Some friends and I have been talking recently about change. A lot of us are recently returned missionaries, and so change has been on our minds a lot. Being back at school just re-enforces those thoughts. Just how has my world changed? The kids grew up (and I got an addional one). That was probably the biggest change in my world. The kids were no longer my cute little kids that I had left behind. They went through some traumatic times while I was gone. And it affected them. In more mundane ways, the house I grew up in changed. It no longer looks like my house. The school I now attend has changed in so many ways. The buildings are different. The paths I took to school are different. there are different professors for my major (and the teachers I wished had left (for my minor classes) didn't). The friends I have here at school are all different. As I metnioned, most of us have recently gotten home, and apparently, that changes people. A lot of my friends are now gone- working real jobs, getting married and having kids, going on with life. Life doesnt just stop when one goes on a mission for the Lord. I almost wish it had. The life I left, though far from where I wanted it to be, was comfortable. And now its not. There were some changes that were hard, that I still feel the reprecussions of, but I suppose that is to be expected. Probably the biggest change in comming home was having to deal with stupid girly emotions. I was happily in a world where emotions didnt mean much. I had them, but they werent needed- so they stayed nicely tucked away in a box in the corner of my mind. And now, they are there again- and trying to run rampant even though I don't want that addition to my life yet.

A lot of the questions that come to mind are "How have I changed? I know my world has changed, but have I changed to my world?" It certainly doesn't feel like it. The kids say I did. One of the first things they said when I saw them was "Mindy, you've changed." On the cute side, when I first saw Dante again he said "Mindy, you shrank! No, Dante, I didnt shrink, you grew." Then after a few more minutes, he said "No, I didnt grow, you shrank." He was and is so cute.
Dante, the whole time I was home before I came back to shcool was "Mindy, you changed" I didnt like that, because they didn't like how I had changed. But I can't control if I changed or not, can I? I can control what aspects come out from being changed, but I cant change that I changed. Some of my friends say I am more social. Mostly, I think it is just that I'm not necessarily a fan of my home right now, so I'm out and about, avoiding it sometimes. Though, I could be considered more social becasue of it. Because of some experiences that I hated while going through them on my mission, I think I'm happier. That has to be good. But (according to the kids), also stricter in some things. We still have fun. But it isn't the same.

Yes. Life has definately changed. For the good? I'm still trying to figure it out. But one thing I do know is that it certianly has changed.

Philosophy of Life- brainstorming

In one of my classes, we have to come up with a Personal philosophy of life. In the dictionary, it defines philosophy as
"2.Investigation of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning rather than empirical methods."
that deffinition made the most sense of all the many deffintions. in my book, it says
a personal philosophy of life is something we all have, but many people have not thought about their own philosphy long enough to define it clearly
I'm not quite sure it would just be confined to those who havent thought about it long enough. I've been thinking about it for a couple days now, but I'm still not sure if I know what a personal Philosophy of life is, let alone what mine might be. the book goes on to give this encouragement
Understanding your Personal philosophy is important because it gives you an advantage in an internship interview and guides your search for fulfilling employment in recreation and leasure services
So, Apparantly it is realy important to have one of these. now, if they could have given an example one, that would have been nice, because this whole Philosophy of life thing has been confusing to me. though, it does give a bit of an example
A sound Personal Philosphy allows you to describe who you are and what life means to you. It also provides direction in your life by helping you recognize what things are important to you
so, a personal philosophy is something that describes how i look at life, and what is important to me, if i look at it right. so then the question becomes how do i get such a philosophy? luckally, the book seems to have some sort of answer for that too
to examine your personal philosophy it helps to condut a review of your life. How did you arive at this pioint in your life?
i arrived here by making plans, and working hard to reach those plans. i also had a childhood dream that i wanted to fulfill, and found a way to do so.
What life experiences have had a major impact upon your life?
i would think that childhood would ahve a big impact. the things we did (or sometimes didnt do) when i was a child. the trips we took. learning all the year round. going to the library weekly definately impacted my life.
who are the friends and relatives who have had an influence upon your life?
my siblings definately had impact on my life-they have encouraged me when times got hard, and in other times too. Jason and Brandon have also had an influence on my life. they encouraged me to go on a mission, and to stay focued on what God wanted me to do, instead of what I wanted to do. Sean- influenced how I think about people, and to an extent, how i communicate. the kids- also, how i think about and look at people. they help me to have something to relate to other people with (sometimes). Rachael- helped me to understand myself when i couldnt- sh e seemed to always be able to. President Hutcihngs- He helped me to be able to believe in myself, and knew what i was capable of, even if i didnt believe him.
What beliefs do you share with these people?
well, we all have the same religious background. we all know that we have a Loving Heavenly Father, and that Christ is our Saviour. we all believe some of the same basic things also.
What heros have you had while growing up? what was it about their lives that made them heros to you?
President Theodore Roosevelt- he started the National Parks- right where i want to work
my dad- he fixed everything, and made it all better

so, after answering all the questions, you are to take a mment to reflect on them.
...
...
and after a bit of thought, i think i may have come up with something!
that we have to trust in God, and know that he is in control. that we need to have fun in life, otherwise life is a drag. we have to take care of our planet, and make sure it is there to have fun in, and also for the future to have fun in

that, i think, is a start on a life philosopy. anyone else have a philosphy? i'm open to suggestions as to what one might be

bitter sweet

So, I'm back at school, and expect everything to be fine, for the memeories I had created here before to just dissappear, or just be nice plesent reminders of the past. but they arent. i walk by something, and remember something like it was just yesterday. i listened to a talk once about emotions, and controlling them, and the guy said "memory has no age" and boy howdy, have i figured that one out these last two days. i walk around campus, and although everything has changed, it isnt necessarily for the better. i dont know how to get around campus any more, and there are buildings that have been built that i have to ask "what is that monstrosity is that? oh, its the MC, when did that happen. i thought they were finished two years ago with taht one." or "oh, wait, thats the size of the new auditorium? when did that happen?"
besides things i dont know being all around, i am barraged with a boat load of memories. some good memories that stayed good, some good memories that are now hurtful, and some dark memories that haunt the night hours. I spent a lonely day on Saturday moving in. i caught up with friends that night, but it was still hard. i wish my memory wasnt quite so attached to feeling things. i pass an apartment complex. "oh, so and so used to live there. now they are back home and working, and dating people, and i'll probably never see them again..." i pass the gardens "man, i wish it was summer right now. I would love to go back and see what they added to the gardens, and be able to study there now." pass another apartment complex, "man, why did she have to go do student teaching, she was supposed to be here." and the feelings that go with them all, they are still fresh, no matter how hard i try to make them not. it is wierd, because i want to be happy for the people, but it is hard. it makes comming up here bitter sweet. i was hoping for a nice smooth transition from the life of a missionary to the life of a student, but it isnt happening. maybe one day, it will. for now, i'll just live life in my mind, and try to remember the sweet parts of comming back, going to stadium singing and hearing songs, that were put there just for me tonight. friends that i havent seen in 3-4 years because of going on missions, the snow (i really missed it) some time to myself (although it still freaks me out when i do have it), and other such things.

Android vs. Borg

Again, i've been on a star treck kick. this time, i changed it up a bit, and instead of watching reruns of the next, i found a DVD at the library devoted specifically to episodes where they delt with the Borg. it was fasanating to watch. it made me think, if i were to be on star treck, and had a choice of being either a borg, or an android like Commander Data, which would i choose? it depends on the day, honestly.
being an android, Data is able to be a free thinker. he makes his own choices, he can choose to use the holodeck for whatever he likes, and "enjoy" it, as much as an android can enjoy anything, at least. he can form oppinions, and not worry about that someone else will know without him knowing they know. he is even free to choose to pursue a relationship (it wasnt at all successful, but it was entertaining to watch, anyway). borg dont have that choice
being a borg means being part of the hive mind. what you know, so does everyone else. you have no free thoughts of your own. you comply with everything the queen says. you cannot have an oppinion. it isnt part of your hardware. all this in the pursuit of perfection. its an appealing thought sometimes. if life gets overwhelming, why not become a borg. then you will never be overwhelmed, and you no longer have to deal with your life. being part of the collective would be ideal at that point. one major downfall to this idea is that then you have no control over your life, someone else controls it completely. looking at it on a spiritual scale, it would be more like having Satan's plan for us all. to not let us have our agency, but to blindly comply with what he wants. being an Android would be more like the plan we all chose, Heavenly Fathers plan of letting us have our agency, and letting us make mistakes.
both the borg and androids are both emotionless. wouldnt that be nice sometimes? there are days i wish i just had no emotions. it makes life complicated. i am still free to believe what i like, still free to pursue what i like, but without emotion. it might make the world a little more flat, (data once tired to compose a poem "ode to Spot (his cat)" that was emotionless, all about spot's attributes. again, not quite successful, but amusing to watch), but oh, the relief it would bring. i wouldnt have to try and figure out my stupid human emotions (being an empath would accompish the same idea, but that is a different tangent). i could go through my days, not worrying about this, that, or the other, not caring what others thought. either one of those sounds nice.
so who has the biggest advantage? honestly, they both do. again, it all depends on the day. which would you choose?

dates for Everything?

we have preset dates for dating, for weddings, for vacations, for everything. but a pre-set date for a funeral? okay, so maybe it isnt that unusual. but the person isnt even dead yet?! that, i have to admit, i dont get. why would you set a date for your funeral, but you arent even dead yet? a lady that is in my Grandma's congregation has a date set for her funeral. the 10th of may. but she isnt dead. so why does she have a funeral date already? and what happens if she isnt dead? does the funeral go forth anyhow? do they do a funeral, and do everything but bury the person? thats one of the best ways to know what was said about you at your funeral. be alive while its happening. oh, i know! they kill the person off, right before the funeral so that they can still have the funeral! that must be it! i do admit to seeing some wisdom in it. then, you can make sure that the people who want to be there, can be there. but it doesnt do them any good if you really arent dead. unless you kill the person off. that might be interesting. kill off a person just before their family gets there for the funeral, just so that you can have the funeral, and make sure the people you want there are there. i love it. killing off people just so that they can have their funerals just the way they want it. maybe i'll follow suit, and make sure that i have a hand picked day for my funeral, and then, if i'm not dead, you can kill me off (but it has to be by my method of being killed. you have to at least promise me that), and make sure that my funeral is just how i wanted it. can i write that in my will? "i want my funeral this day, and if i'm not dead, kill me off, but do it in this fashion" i'll try it and let you know how it works.