A house of order

I've recently started watching a little neighbour boy for about an hour and half every Thursday morning while both his parents are in class. Every time I go to their house, I'm struck by the feeling in their house. Just how easy it is to feel the spirit. And it's made me wonder why isn't it that easy at my house? What's the difference? And while I'm sure there are several things, the one thing that has recently struck me is just how orderly their house is. And how orderly their house always seems to be. J likes to sometimes stop by unannounced to play, and no matter when it is, their house is always very orderly. It's gotten me started thinking, and wondering if that is the difference between our houses.

Heavenly Father has told us that He dwells in a house of order (see Doctrine and Covenants 132:8). This tells me that If we want a place where the spirit of God can dwell, then we should probably have a house of order too. That's something that I have always struggled with. Especially now that I have a kid who likes to explore and pull everything out of drawers all the time. So, is there a way to fix this? Probably.  Do I currently know what that way is? No, I really don't.

We have been given hints about how to make our house more orderly. One talk in particular has come to mind as I've been pondering this idea of a house of order=house easy to feel spirit in.
It has several ideas of how to make the house more like a temple. One of my favorite things in this talk is taking a virtual tour of the home. It is something I need to do, and I think do frequently.

I feel like something else needs to be said on this, but I'm honestly not sure what else there is to say. So, I suppose I'll just awkwardly end this, and hope to do better, and to learn to be more organized. 

the life of a mom of a colic-y child.

This is a post that I've been debating if I wanted to write for quite a while. It's one of those topics that people just don't seem to talk about, and honestly, I can understand why. But, I decided the other very early morning when both J and I were in tears after a long and hard day and not sleeping well, I needed to get it off my chest.

One word sums it up fairly well: Frustration.  Not all the time, but it's probably the most prevalent feeling out there. Frustration at not being able to do anything to help my son, frustration at not being able to do anything around the house because he just wants to be held, and standing, and walking the apartment hallways, frustration at his dad being able to escape to work and class, and having homework when he get's home. Frustration at his dad for sleeping through it all at night, and getting his full 7 hours of sleep, when I'm running on less than half of that.  Yes, even frustration at J for crying all the time, even though he can't help it because he has excess gas that won't go away, and his tummy hurts. 

The days like this...it makes me wonder again and again why I wanted to be a parent, and will this really ever end? I've heard it does, but really.... will it? 

While endlessly walking the halls in our apartment, or at church, I meet other people, and they "helpfully" mention, "You know there are other ways to calm your child. You should look up such and such video on YouTube to find out more" Do you really think I haven't tried it all? Do you really think I enjoy walking that much that I wouldn't try anything else? Okay, maybe sometimes I do enjoy walking, and spending time exploring and showing my son the world. But do you really think I enjoy it that much at 1am?  

And then there are the times when no matter what I do, and how much walking we do J just won't stop crying, and yes, it's getting to me because it's been _all_day_long. So I put him in the crib, walk into the bathroom, and shut the door. J is crying hysterically out there, but I need a cry too because I feel like a horrible parent and want to hurt something because I can't get my son to stop crying. I know that in the long run, it won't do him any harm, no long term damage. But I still feel horrible about needing some time to let it out with a good cry. And again, the thoughts "Will this really ever end? What if this just keeps going...forever?"

There are the good days and good times too.  The times when we are cuddling, and I'll whisper "I love you" in his ear, and he gives me a huge smile. The times when he get's so excited when I come in to pick him up from a nap or in the middle of the night. And those times make me SO happy and feel like the luckiest person alive. Do they drown out all the frustration?  No, absolutely not. I'm sure that when I look back at J's childhood, it's something I'll always remember is the frustration of these early days. And honestly, it makes me scared for the children we want to have in the future. Are they all going to be like this? But, the good times do make it that much easier to go on, and to see another day through. 

Floor Project

 Just starting to take the floor up

 Hurrah!  All the floor is up!

We had been using hand sanders, but were able to borrow a belt sander.  It made the work go so much quicker. 

 Halfway through sanding the floor.  Sorry downstairs neighbours for all the noise!

 Starting to stain, at last

Mostly done... we had to do it in sections so we would actually get it done. 

Finished staining!  just to let it cure and put on the clear coat

The finished product.  Yay!!

A Wife and Mother's Role

In the Family Proclamation, it talks about a mother's role.  A mother is primarily responsible for the nurture of her children.  Loosely speaking a wife and mother is primarily responsible to make sure things in the household run smoothly, and that household needs are taken care of first.  Does this mean that she cannot take care of things outside the home and spend time outside the home?  Not at all.  It just means that is her primary responsibility, and that is what she should be spending time and energy focusing on.
Recently, I've had the "opportunity" to spend quite a bit of time working (8 hours a day for about a week straight), doing lots of hard labor at this job.  It hasn't been my ideal job.  Something that hit me while I've been doing all this working is, I miss the time I could be spending at home taking care of our needs there.  I come home after work so exhausted that I have no energy to take care of our needs at home.
Today is the first day I've had in a long time that I can take care of some much needed business at home, and attending to our needs here.  And it feels amazing.  I like the feeling I have when I can take time and take care of our needs here.  To be that wife that God intends and would like me to become.  It feels good to have the energy to make a fairly nutritious dinner for us, not just throw something together because it sounds easy, or to leave it to Drew to make, because I hurt too much.
As much as I do enjoy working, and enjoy feeling like I can contribute in that way to our lives right now, I also enjoy knowing that when we have children, and I need to stay at home to take care of them, I will be able to enjoy that as well.  It is an AMAZING feeling!

When growing up watching "This old House" isn't a good thing

Somehow, we got it in our heads to take up the linoleum in our kitchen and restore what looks like beautiful hardwood floors underneath.  And all was going well, except for one thing...we're having the hardest time getting all the linoleum up.  We got most of it off, but where the epoxy or whatever it was went down to hold the linoleum down, it has been absolutely horrible.  Well, We'll just use a stripper to get it all off.  That's what they do in the home fix it shows.  It should work, right?  And it does..... almost.  We put it down, but just barely had enough, so it didn't go as far as anticipated.  We should have gotten more (this was at like 1 in the morning, so no where is open to get more).  Well... we'll make it work.  The next day, scraping it up (high on fumes from the stripper), it works great where the stripper was started.  But at the end?  Mmmm... we might get more stripper to help us out.  So where does "This old House" and other fix it up shows come in to play?  I don't think we would have actually done more than just talk about restoring the hardwood floors if we didn't both grow up watching those shows and have a good idea of what we were doing.  We probably wouldn't have even considered more than just talking about it.  Did it help us to know what we were doing?  Yes.  Did it tell us how much work would be involved?  No.  I don't think we expected it to be this much work.  They do make it look so easy on the shows.  But then, they are professionals, and have a whole team working on it... not just two people.  Would I consider doing this project again in the future?  Probably.  Despite how hard it is, the finished product should look good. however, I wouldn't do this in another apartment.  I wouldn't consider doing it until I know i'm in the place we're going to live for the next 10-15+ years.  So those who have grown up watching home fix it shows, beware the strong desires to make improvements to your house.  It probably isn't as easy as it seems.  

Being home, again

For the first time in about two years, I'm home for more than two weeks.  Its a weird feeling.  I'm remembering why I hate coming home, what all comes with being a real person in the real world, and why I just like school better.
This last week was full of family, and events, and getting ready for them to come, and then making sure they have everything to leave again.  I lost my guaranteed part-time job (even though it wouldn't have payed like it), so now I'm totally jobless, and honestly, I'm tired of looking.  I know I need to, so I still put in a half-hearted effort, but its not what it should be.  I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of waiting for the phone to ring when I'm sure that it wont.  I think its dumb that I have to honestly answer a question saying that if I'm hired, I'll only be there for the next 0-6 months.  I'm fairly certain that the companies are discriminating against me because I won't be there that  long.
I'm tired of being the obedient and helpful daughter that I've always been.  Maybe the lack of a normal childhood is finally catching up to me, and I'm hitting my rebellious stage.  Somehow, I doubt it.  I feel the depression sneaking back into my life.  I'm skipping lunches again, and if people weren't around, I'm fairly certain I would only be eating dinner.
For the first time in my life, I have a boy in the same state as me that likes me as much as I like him.  He's only a 40 minute drive away.  Its amazing how far 40 minutes becomes when neither person has transportation, and public transportation doesn't go between the two places.  It may as well be different states.  And although I've gotten to see him a lot more this summer than I ever expected to (I honestly, didn't expect to see him until next May), it still feels like forever away.  And I'm fairly certain that this time of leaving will be a lot harder the last.
I suddenly remember how much mom and dad argue.  Its not as much as it was before I left for Tennessee, for which I am most thankful, but it is still a lot, and it reminds me how hard I have to fight myself to not argue with everyone over everything, and how much more often I do it here at home than I do other places.
I'm always more depressed at home, and I never know why.  Its been said that your subconscious remembers things, and that certain places will trigger old emotions, old thoughts, and etc.  I find this to generally be really true.  Maybe that's what has been triggering this recently.
I long for life to be back to how I remember it being.  Happy while no one else is around, excited for work, waiting for school to start again, and nothing else going on.

Lessons from the Flower Bed

While home for the weekend, I started work on my poor neglected flower box. It hasn't been touched (basically) since I left on my mission, two years ago. Mom took the opportunity to plant some Grape Hyacinths in there in the spring this year (unbeknownst to me while I was up at school). she informed me of this while I was looking at my box, trying to determine if any of the plants that were supposed to be annuals were still there. They weren't there, sadly. So, I started work on my box, and per Mom's request, making sure to go around the Grape Hyacinths. While I was working on it, I thought to myself just how much easier it would be to tear it all up, and start again, and just forget the Grape Hyacinths. My mind then wandered to the gospel, and I realized that although there are times in life it might seem easier just to rip everything out and start over, is it really worth it? if we were to compare the Grape Hyacinths to the gospel, and the flower bed to life in general, would it really be worth it? Would it really be worth loosing the gospel, just to make life easier to start over with it all? I thought about some friends who are struggling right now in their life with different issues and temptations and wondered, would their life be easier if they just gave up on everything, and just started over?
It made me stop and think. Yes, it might seem easier in the short term to just rip it all out, start fresh, and forget everything that you once knew. But how would life without the gospel, without having that center in Christ really feel and work? Having that in life is indeed a strength in hard times.
As I kept working in the box, getting rid of weeds here, moving an ant trap there, it made me keep thinking. As long as I knew some boundaries (made by going in with a small hand shovel, and sometimes just fingers), and knew what parts were the Grape Hyacinths, I was able to easily avoid digging them up. I could take the big shovel, and just get all the other stuff out of there, and start completely fresh. Same with life. As we get in there, and take great care, noticing which parts are worth saving, which parts will continue to help us in life, we can make sure to go far around them. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, and we have to carefully go through everything to know which is which, but it is so worth it in the end.

Change

I've written in the past about change, and how much change has gone on in the world, especially when I first got home from my mission. It was, as I put it then, bitter-sweet. It seems odd to me just how much life has changed, and this week, I am especially noticing just how much my family, my parents in particular, have changed.
The first changed I notice this week is just how much of a voice I no longer have in the family. I used to be able to be at least somewhat in charge of the kids, and they would listen, and do what I asked them too. I suppose too long out of the way makes it so that I am now just a playmate, and no longer Mindy Mommy. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that.
Next chnage I really noticed is that although my parents still argue a lot, it doesn't seem to be as much as when I was here before. It isn't over every single little detail that they argue. They just argue over some of the details. It is quite refreshing, honestly. While frist growing up, I never noticed it. But then after moving away for a while for school, and then comming home to it, I noticed it more. And now, I'm so happy it is less than before. I wonder what changed it?
Anotehr change I noticed is mom and dad's policy on some stuff. There used to be certian rules in place while I was growing up. One of the rules was that there would be no TV on before breakfast, and certianly not until homework was done after school. However, I've noticed that now, the TV comes on about as soon as mom wakes up (to check the weather for the day, I guess. She used to just listen to the radio alarm she has go off every morning, but I guess it doesn't do the job?), and is again on right as soon as they come home from school (it turns off during the day, since I don't enjoy watching it. I'll use it to watch a movie or something, but not more than that.). It used to not come on until about 5, so that she could watch her million channels of news (which she still does watch all million channels of news), and then sometimes go off until 10 for the nightly news. Now it seems to just be on all the time.
Another policy that has changed is the food policy. Mom and Dad used to be huge on "if you don't like it, go hungry." There were nights when yes, I did go hungry, but it taught me to appreciate the food I did like more, and to at least try and eat those food I absolutely hated. Now, they prepare something different for the kids when they don't like what is being eaten. A great example of this is a dinner we will be having later in the week. Spinach Crepe's. Mom, Dad and I all seem to think they are really really good. The kids aren't as much a fan of them as we are. So what happens? Wait, they get a quesadilla? No going hungry for the night?
All around, my parents seem to have gotten more lax on some of their rules. I'm not sure what to think of it all. On one hand, I think it is good that they have gotten lax on some things. Letting the kids eat something differetn for example, is one I might be okay with. It was something I had been pondering instituting with my own kids, just having them help (or when they are old enough make on their own) with whatever alternate food they would be eating. Some of the other changes that have happened around here... I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll just have to stick around and see what happens.

No Child Left Behind

mom came home from work today telling me about this new girl who just moved to Utah from Iraq. the thing is, they are now just doing the CRT testing for no child left behind, and this girl has to take them. she doesnt know any english so she cant understand what is being presented. she should be able to do the math portion, you would think (do they have math portions? i dont remember), since math is "the universal language" and they have math in Iraq. but, for the purposes of No Child Left Behind (herin referred to as NCLB), she is basically just one more student who will make their child fail. i would think that since she just got here, they wouldnt make her take the tests, but they are. why? it doesnt give an accurate report. she arrived in the middle of doing the tests. and she doesnt know any english. is this fair? they dont even have the bubble sheets for her to make pretty designs on it any more, its all computerized. i dont see how they can be getting accurate reports with having people who have just arrived in the country taking the tests. does it make sense to you, cause it certianly doesnt make sense to me.

cellphones 101

Mom amuses me sometimes. dad has had an emergency cell phone for a while now, and it's made perfect sense as to why he has it. he's driving an hour from home every day, and out in the middle of nowhere most of that drive, so if he breaks down, he needs a way to tell someone to come and rescue him. it makes sense. i guess mom got jealous recently, because she insisted that we get her one for emergency purposes too. it doesnt make as much of sense, because she stays pretty well within walking distance of anything if she were to break down. so, we got her one. but, now she needs to learn how to use it. apparantly she thinks the one person at home who can teach her how to use it is the one person in the family who doesnt have a cell phone? i'm lucky i know how to use one though, because she refuses to let dad teach her how. "how do i make a call min? min, how do i check my messages?" honestly, the only way i figured out how to make her phone do what it is supposed to is by playing, and oopsing, and messing about on it. i told her that she should try it and see if she can figure out how to make it work that way, but she wont. it's been amusing teaching her though. maybe when i get home from my mission, i'll be able to convince her that the family should get some with a real provider (verizon would be nice, because i know lots of people on verizon, and there's that whole free verizon to verizon calling thing...) and i would actually communicate with my family. on the other hand, maybe i'll wait a few years yet.

home teaching message

this was our Home teaching message for the month. the bishop (who is our home teacher) has a daughter serving a mission, and she sent this to him, and he shared it with us. i'm sharing with you all.

The Way It Is
THE MISSION PRESIDENT:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a locomotive,
Is faster than a speeding bullet,
Walks on Water,
Associates with God.

ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a switch engine,
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
Walks on water if the sea is calm,
Talks with God.

THE ZONE LEADER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds,
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine,
Is faster than a decelerating bullet,
Walks on water in an indoor pool,
Talks with God if special request is approved.

THE DISTRICT LEADER:
Barely clears a mud hut,
Loses tug-of-war with locomotives
can fire a speeding bullet,
swims well,
Is occasionally addressed by God

THE SENIOR COMPANION:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings,
Is run over by locomotives,
Can somtimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury,
Dog Paddles,
Talks to animals.

THE JUNIOR COMPANION:
Runs into buildings,
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times,
Is not issued ammunition,
Can stay afloat with a life jacket,
Talks to walls.

THE GREENIE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol,
Plats in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE SISTER MISSIONARIES:
Lifts buildings and walks under them,
Kicks locomotives off the tracks,
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them,
Freezes water in a single glance,
Knows God.

cool pics

(this one is called "tennessee mountians". it doesnt look like any mountians to me...)

mom needed some stuff looked up on google images for her reading group, and claimed she didnt know how. so, i got to look them up, and found some other cool pictures at the same time.

to be a Q

I was watching Star Treck the other day (i've been on a star treck kick, and have some of the series check out from the library), and one of the episodes that i was watching was about an intern that they picked up and brought on board. she turned out to be one of the Q. she had to make a decision as to if she wanted to be one of the Q, or if she would make herself not use her powers, and live onboard the Enterprise. it made me stop and think, what would i do if i were placed in that situation? now, i'll stop and explaine what exactly a Q is, for those who might not know. a Q is, simply put in his own words, an omnipotent being, who can do whatever they like. they can make things appear, dissapear, live wherever, do whatever (to a point) at their whim. they can live in space without any space suit, they can make all the jewels in the world appear, they can make someone fall in love with them. whatever they want, they can get. they can take any shape they want, as well. this girl, amanda the intern, comes onboard the Enterprise and suddenly starts showing Q powers. she is faced with the decision of being able to use her powers and live (in the continum, of course), or die. what plesent options, no? in the end, she chose to be able to use her powers, but she only used them for the good of others. would i have chosen the same, and used the same nobility? i like to think so, but at the same time, i'm not at all certian. since i am just a mear mortal, i might just end up being all selfish and using it for my own wants. there are many things i would change about my life, but also about things around me. it would be an interesting conundrum to be in, and one i'm happy i dont have to be in. i dont think i would make the right choice

stolen idea

what else to do but this while hemming three pairs of pants? [thanks bonjean for the idea :)]
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1- there was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful.

2- sent to this earth, you were saved through the ages

3- was a man back in '95, who's heart ran out of summers

4- i hope you never loose your sense of wonder

5- look at me, i will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter

6- there was a barber and his wife, and he was beautiful

7- i used to think that i was wrong

8- for the love of a woman, a man unlocks his heart

9- when i am down, and oh, my soul so weary

10- a customer! wait, what's your hurry?!

11- oh, Mr. Todd! I'm so happy, I could eat you up, I really could!

12- we may not see the end from the beginning

13- i am adolpho perelli, the king of the barbers, the barber of kings, i bid you bonjorno! good day!

14- tell me his name, i want to know the way he looks, and where you go.

15- God deliver me, release me, forgive me, restrain me, pervaid me.

16- the engine roared, the motor hissed.

17- attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.

18- the spirit of God, like a fire is burning

19- squirrels. all we really are are squirrels.

20-kiss a wookie, kick a droid, fly the Falcon through an asteroid.

21-sweet polley pluncket lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward, sighing

22- i feel you, johanna, i feel you.

23- his hands were quick, his fingers strong

24-excuse me, my lord, may i request, my lord, permission, my lord, to speak?

26- ladies and gentlemen, may i have your attention please!?

27-praise to the man who communed with Jehova!

28- sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow

29- rubber ducky, you're the one

30- ((spoken) out i say out! all this running' and shoutin' what is it now dear?) there's hole in a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it

life

its been a while since i've actually updated my life, so i thought that i would do so, since i have no time, and am trying to put off doing my taxes today. :)

-starting with the most recent, my mission papers have made it in to the stake president as of today. as to when i'll be able to meet with my stake president, that is still up in the air. he is out of town a lot, which is rather frusturating, but i always planned on waiting a lot longer to talk to him. he is the stake president after all. and hey, at least i still get to talk to him sooner than expected. things with my councelor apparantly progressed faster than thought, according to her, which was a wonderful thing to hear.

-i actually have stopped my counceling. i stoped it right after my old councelor left, and i had to get a new person. i'll admit it, this seems to be turning into a habit, and i need to stop doing so.

- i still work at sears, but i'm no longer the only one on my team! we got a new gal just the other day. so, although she is currently doing training all morning, i'll eventually have another person to work with, and the load wont be quite as heavy. it came at a convienet time, because they hadnt been all about giving me days off, and now that i'm doing a class, i'll be going out of town to take tests.

-as mentioned, i'm currntly taking a class through BYUI. its an online religion class (new testament to be exact), and is turing out to be a lot more work than i ever planned it to be. i have a couple hours of reading monday-friday, and sometimes on the weekends. i had figured a lot of reading, but not as much as it actually is. i do love the class though. its teaching me some perspectives that i never would have thought about. its wonderful to be learning again.

-i'm no longer teaching the really cute sunbeams. i'm now teaching the CTR 9-10 class. its an interesting experience to feel like you know nothing when your teaching them. the kids are way way smart, and it sometimes amazes me just how much those kids know.

-rachel has left, but oddly, i'm not doing too bad. i expected a whole onslaught of a bunch of crap that happens with my bad depression, but it hasnt come, and i've been able to stay really happy. i guess that means that he therapy i did for those three months really wasnt a waste of my time and money. i do miss having her around, and all the fun we had together, and the house is now really quiet. it does mean we can eat things she really didnt like though, like spinach things, and things with peaches in them, and rhubarb! i've missed being able to have rhubarb things. :)

-for the first time in 21 years, i now have my own room. its kinda interesting to be able to have things in my room how i want, and to sleep not 5 feet off the floor. becasue of it, i spent a few days and rearragned things all by myself (okay, technically dad did take the beds apart, but only because i didnt get to it the day before since i was sick), and i'm proud of how the room now looks. :)

-i've started, or, more like, tried to start a daily yoga and cardio routine, but it hasnt really happned. between my class and what mom needs me to do during the few hours that i'm home and she isnt, i've found myself lacking in time. its something that i need to try and do better at though. it would help if i would prioritize my time, and not play as much. :)

-happy day for me, i've planned some trips up to good ol' rexburg to get out of the house. admitidly, two of those trips have educational reasons behind them. i need to go and take my tests somewhere, but instead of deciding to just take them here in utah, i'm going to save a lot of trouble, not time, but trouble, and take two trips up to rexburg to take some tests. it will be nice to get out of the house for a few weekends. :) i'm also going up to see the opera they are doing. one of my old roomates, RL, is a music minor, and she told me she was going to auditoin for the opera. i'm going to go up and support her being in the opera, or if she didnt make the cuts, i'm going to go and watch it with her. i just wish i could stay a little longer that trip. its a trip up the night of the opera, and leaving early the next morning. :( it should still be fun though.

- last, but not least, i've kept up my photo a day blog. its been a wonderful thing to do in my life. its made me look for the good things in life, and its helped to keep my mind where it needs to be, and focusing on what it needs to focus on. i just wish that i could do it for a bit longer than will probably happen, since eventually i'll be leaving on my mission, and i doubt my mission president will allow me to keep posting. maybe i'll just invest instead in a whole buch of those disposable cameras and take them with me, with instructions to my sister to upload them for me if possible? we'll see when the time comes.

final verdict # 2

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

so, we got a call from chris this morning. apparantly we wont get rachel AT ALL in two weeks. he wont tell us why. the way he said it at first made it sound like it was our fault, and that we werent doing something right, but he wont tell us what. so, in two weeks, rachel is going to apparantly be moving out. i guess we'll see what happens with it. we're currently (as in right this minute) trying to talk this out and see what his reasons are for it, but he wont say. not really. grar!

final verdict

Part 1
Part 2
so, we now have a final verdict on whats going on with rachel. soooo sorry. its been on my mind, and i need to tell someone. even if no one really reads this, the possiblity is there. so, we found out, finally, that chris has, as we suspected, sided with the hawks, and has it so that rachel will be spending every_single_weekend_ with the hawks. i dont know why we cant have just one weekend a month. their reasonin in why we couldnt have her every other weeked was even weak. they said "two weeks is too long. she'll forget us inbetween that time." sorry, i dont think so. i dont even want to know what sort of lame excuse they came up with for not even one weekend a month. it was supposed to start this weekend, even though we had told them, and they had been fine with it, that she had something this weekend, an they couldnt have her. i dont think i've ever been so close to abducting a child in my life. they are being absolutely unreasonable. oh, and something we just found out. the hawks apparantly dont think we are teaching her "life skills" because over chrismas, they asked her to go pack her suitcase to come home, and all she did was just sit there. now, rachel has this personality, and other kids do too, so i dont know why they had a problem with it, that if she doesnt want to do something, she'll just sit there, and not do it. its not like we let her gt away with it, we make her do it. apparantly, though, they think we're not teaching her life skills, and not teaching her how to pack a suitcase, just because she sat there and didnt pack it over christmas. what do they think we're doing with her? absolutely nothing? my personal oppinion is that she didnt do it because she was doped up on benedryl all the week she was visiting them over christmas. but, again, my oppinion doesnt count for anything. so, she's going to go there and learn the life skills (what life skills is she going to learn? whenever she goes with them, she's on benedryl the whole time, and all they do is go shopping. what's she to learn. how to be doped up and how to shop?)that we are apparantly failing to teach her. am i being unreasonable in really not wanting her to go?

update

so here's a quick update on the rachel thingy. i know, i know, its boring to hear about it all the time, but i need to get it out for my sake.
so chris finally called back last night to supposedly tell us what kind of decision he had come to on where rachel was going to live and where she was going to spend her weekends. apparantly the hawks (stupid chuffers) are very adamant about rachel comming to see them every single weekend. i'm all for them getting her every other weekend, but apparantly they think that "every other weekend is too long in between, and she'll forget us" yeah right! she doesnt even really want to go spend time with them. she's scared of them. she is willing to get to know them, but she wants to have chris there, as a support. (she wont tell chris any of this, but she will tell me, who then has to relate it to dad, who will relate it to chris.) so, we're trying to see if we can have rachel for just ONE weekend a MONTH. i'm not at all happy about this idea, when are we supposed to do anything fun with her? i guess we're not supposed to. we've finally gotten to a point that chris will listen to us about what rachel needs/wants. so, he's still thinking about it, and supposedly he will call us back tonight to let us know what he has figured out.
here's the thing about all this that bothers me. chris is currently on marrage number three, and having just come home from iraq with PTSD, he's very likely to do whatever he can to save this newest marrage. including, apparantly, forget about the needs of his child so that he can please his wife. the fact that he'll put his marrage before his children, that should come, but just to an extent. he shouldnt be forcing rachel into something she REALLY doesnt want to do. its stupid, and will just make rachel dislike her daddy all the more, which is something that chris really wouldnt like. and another thing that we found out that bothers me is the fact that krystal says that rachel has to call her "mummy" not "mommy", but close enough. ah ha, now i see and understand. they say that they dont want krystal to take the place of jen, rachel's real mommy, but forcing her to call krystal mummy? mmmm... there's a problem there. they may say that they dont want krystal to take her place, but really, i think they want rachel to have absolutely nothing to do with us, and with jen, and with everything else to do with her real mom's family. mayhaps i'm over reacting, i dont know. i just dont like the stupid chuffers, and this isnt helping to make me like them more.

rantings

so, we got a call from rachel's dad (chirs) sunday night. he told us that his wife's family (the hawks) want to start taking rachel every weekend, and if we ever wanted rachel on a weekend, we would have to call them and see if it was okay with them, wich doesnt make sense when we have her living at our house anyhow. we tried to talk the hawks down to every other week, because we want to be able to see her on the weekends too, instead of just during the week, when we cant go and do anything fun with her (she would go with them from friday afternoon after she gets home from school, to sunday night at bedtime. all she has time to do here is go to school, come home and do her homework, and then its bedtime. we dont want to be just the disiplanarians, and have them be the fun grandparents. we want to be able to have some fun with her and see hersometimes too). they wont bend, and take her just every other weekend, so their other idea is to take her permanantly, for everything, she would be moving out of our house. one problem we have with that is that chris will be comming here in about six months. she's insecure about life as it is (hence the thumb sucking, as mentioned earlier), why move her twice, when she could be moved just once, when chris came. chris's wife (krystal) wants rachel to be able to spend time with the hawks's, to get to know them better. thats not a bad idea, but she's told us that she is kinda scared of her grandpa hawks (according to rachel, he is kinda big, and in a wheelchair, and thats what scares her), and she would be more comfortable getting to know him if krysyal was here, but krystal is in DC with chris (he's in walter reed hospital). another thing is that they have dogs, and rachel is allergic to dogs. apparantly when she went to spend the week with them over christmas, she was on benadryl the whole time. sorry, that shouldnt have to happen. are they willing to give up their dogs to have rachel come live wit them? the answer to that was no, they are going to keep their dogs, and just keep rachel on benydryl. a stupid idea, because she cant remember what she did over christmas from being on benydryl. her school performance would go way way down. the last issue we had was that rachel has been living here for about four-five years. over that time she's grown to be like a daughter to not just me, but to mom and dad as well. they want to take rachel in about...oh...a week. now, we were just getting used to, and were fine with the idea of rachel leaving to live with her DAD in six months. thats time enough that we can still have her, and see her, and all that. the thing about the hawks is that if she leaves to live with them, we wont ever see her again. they dont like her living here with us, and try and take her all the time. i think i've mentioned that we werent sure if she would come back after both thanksgiving and christmas with them. we know for a fact that if she were to live with them, we would never ever see her again. and then she's just leaving in a week?! oh, and to top it all off, (this doesnt really have to do with this subject, but i need to get it out) when she went to spend time with them over thanksgiving and christmas, the time they wanted to come pick her up was inconvienint for our family. they were NOT AT ALL willing to see that we cant really do it then, can you come pick her up at a different date and time? both times, we had to rearrange our lives to make accomidations for THEM and yet they never do that for US. ajslfjasdlfjasdlfjasdl;fja;sd lfjk! chuffers! sorry. anyhow, to finish this up, and not make it horrendously long, we want her to live here, and they can wait to have her (we would make acceptions for some weekends, but not every weekend) for the six months till chris and krystal get home, when chris and krystal will be living out near the hawks', and they can see her every single day if they want, and we will never see her again, but cant they wait for the six months? cant they see that those six months should be ours? chris was supposed to call last night to tell us what was going on, but did he call? nooo, he did not call. so now we are stuck wondering what is going on with rachel and everything else. grar

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the day started out interesting enough. it started out with going to work, and starting to work the freight. nothing new, nothing exciting. then i get a page over the intercom, before the store is even open "melinda, please come to customer service." i get there, and my manager is wearing rubber gloves, a mask, and goggles. something just had to be up. why else would she be wearing those? so i find out. apparantly Champion Breed pet food, not just the dog food, not just the cat food, but all of their pet food (dry, not wet) is somehow contaminated. we had to get rid of EVERYTHING! lots of 50 lb. bags of food and all. and yes, i even had to wear the gloves, mask, and goggles. it was the least plesent thing i could have done that day, or so i thought. i get done helping with that, and still have about half my shift left, so i go to work more freight. then i notice, "i'm not jingling like i should" i look down...my keys are gone. i look in the stock room, i look over in Pantry, where we were working the pet food. i ask C and T if they have seen any keys lying around. "no, but i'll keep my eyes out" sad thing is, this is the most important keys i had. my car, mom's car, my house, and the shed. all ones that honestly, no one wants missing. finally, i give up, and go on break, just so i can look for my keys. not what i had planned for my break. i had been planning on hopefully taking a power nap. i've been way way tired recently, so it would have been a blessing. it was not to be. i eventually go and look IN my car to see if they somehow came of my D-ring i keep cliped to me. yep, sure enough, they were sitting on the seat. so, i call mom. she hasnt left for work yet, thankfully, so she can bring me the spare, right? apparantly i shouldnt have tried. she was home, but i got a good yelling at, (over the work phone nonetheless!) and she hung up on me when she finally found them. she had claimed that she would be late for work. but here's the thing. she had told me just the night before that she could go in to work late today. lucky for me i rememberd it. i'm just glad that i didnt actually have to meet her to pick up the keys, but i am sorry for the really nice customer service lady. she had to deal with mom. poor gal. so i get home, and help rachel pack for going to stay with her daddy et al. for the next five days (we get her christmas morning, sometime after 9:00. we have no clue what we are going to do with ourselves that morning.) things seem to go smoothly, till i double check that she has everything. rachel has been...best way to describe it is PMSing, but she isnt old enough for it. i just hope that whatever it is causing it will stop soon. its getting to me, and i'm having problems keeping my temper with her. she gets upset at me, and things start to go downhill. we eat lunch, rachel not really all that happy, then we get in the car to get to trax. happily, she falls asleep on the way there and is happy when she wakes up. we get on our way, rachel absolutely loved riding trax! it was great. get to the wells fargo building to go donate blood, and find out "oh, your iron is actually okay, but you have too fast of a pulse" stupid people. thats why you do blood pressure, and not just pulse. some poeple have horrible pulse, and will never be able to, but have really really good blood pressure. i wish it was the ARC doing it. then i could have actually done something worthwile today. instead, i wasted an afternoon, and six dollars, and felt even worse about things. just alsdfjdasl;fjadslfjasd;l.