my life, now with a toddler

I know it has been WAY too long since I've updated anything about my life (what, only... 10 months?) and the last one wasn't really anything about life, it was a really cool Christmas card that I made myself using Java (I was so proud of that card!) J is no longer a little baby, Drew is in school, I've finally come to terms with my now somewhat hectic life that involves a lot of running after a very willful toddler. And as we've been struggling with J not picking up words and a general lack of communication (though J is finally better understanding and (sometimes) listening to what I say), I've been thinking a lot about this article.  I'm pretty sure that toddlers still learning words (or not learning words as it may be) is a really hard time for me.

Life right now looks a lot like this...

How the living room looks fairly frequently

 And this....

What? I wasn't doing anything, honest!

 And this...

But I wanted to eat ALL the food while you were making cookies mom!

 And this....

This was the face made while excitedly wiggling looking at pumpkins

It's a learning experience for both of us, I know. And, at times, yes. I love being able to stay home all day with my little guy, and experience the world through his eyes. Other times, I just want to run away and never have to deal with it ever again.

I'm sure this isn't a new thing. I'm sure that all parents feel this way.

But, life will go on, and I'm so thankful that someone else voiced my idea of "why am I not loving every single moment? Isn't that what's supposed to happen?"  I'm so glad I can feel....justified perhaps? in my lack of over enthusiasm. Do I still love this little guy? Yes. Do I still enjoy the overall time with him, even if the moment to moment can be a trial? Yes. And I think that's what matters most.

finding the blance

WARNING:  this is pure rambling about things, with no coherency to it.  sorry if this doesn't make any sense.
Married life is great.  Is it what I thought it would be?  honestly, I'm not sure.  I wans't sure what to expect in the fist place, so how can i know if it met those expectations.  there are great parts, there are parts that take some adjusting, but for the most part, its been good.  i enjoy it.
learning to accept that I have a husband who loves to do things, that can be hard sometimes.  finding the balance between being independant, and wanting to do everything for him, and letting him do things for me, its been the hardest thing to adjust to.  i love that he loves to cook, and wants to make dinner.  i need to learn to accept that, and not feel horrible when he does it while i don't notice, doing homework.  on the one hand, i'm glad he has the thought, and does it for me.  on the other, i almost feel like i'm neglecting my duties as a wife.  especially when he is in school, and i am to be supporting him in that endevor.  on the other hand, i've found ways to help him out also.  making sure to keep the dishes clean, and the house in somewhat orderly manner (which has been interesting, with fixing and building bikes, and other homework strewed across the living room).  learning to find a balance, and let him share in the work... its what needs to happen, and something i need to let happen.  

Engagment

Being engaged is not quite how i thought.  There is a whole lot more stress involved in planning the whole thing than i remembered from my sisters weddings, and a whole lot more to think about that i realized.  maybe its just because my sister is planning this, and has been working on planning this for the last who knows how many years.  I've also discovered that I can't think about all the plans too much, or I stress myself out more than is healthy for me.  it is really lame that there is such a distance involved too.

there are a lot of nice things about it too.  knowing that i won't ever have to say good-bye to him again is definitely a plus, and something i am looking forward to.  it also means that in the future (long in the future at this point) i know we'll be able to have a family, and i'll be able to have kids of my own.  I love Jen's kids, and they are much like my own, but having my own is something I've long looked forward to (yes, it is something i wanted, even while planning my hermiting in the woods).

it will all work out eventually.  i just have to remember to take this one day at a time, and not try and plan everything all at once.

Austrailian Mimi Dolls

I helped out at Red Butte Gardens on Saturday.

Getting there was an adventure.  First off, it was raining hard.  so it was kind of hard to see road signs as is.  Secondly, I was driving somewhere I'd never driven before, so that was interesting.  I had directions in one hand, trying to make sure that I was going the right place, and venturing to the opposite side of the valley.  Thirdly, I was driving through a part of the freeway that people who have a lot of experience driving there get lost in.  it was exciting, to say the least.

It was great fun, once I got there, and I ended up learning a lot.  I ended up visiting Australia.  We made Austrailian Mimi Dolls, based off the Aboriginal Mimi spirits.  I learned they are spirits, and some are good, and help people learn to make fire, and to hunt Kangaroos.  Some are bad, and ate people.  We just made them out of cloths pins, but in real life, they are much bigger than that.

They also had some fun instruments.  they had those cool wood frogs that sound like a real frog when you rub them.  they had a digeridoo, too, which was fun.  I tried to play it, and it sounded okay.  not like it really should. i could get it sounding kind of right, but it didn't sound at all like it should.

Overall, it was a blast.  I wish I was able to help out more of the days.  Sadly, I'm working nights, and this does, of course, take place at night.

Reflecting on life

After realizing that it has been more than a month since I've updated, I figured it might be time to update on my life.  Life has been pretty good, all things considered.  It has definitely been weird, and quite unexpected, but honestly, I don't think I can complain.  I'm excited for classes (and one in particular) to be done with.  But at the same time, I'm also going to miss being here, and seeing people.  I started out the semester dreading it, and trying to avoid my roommates, but now, most of them are good friends, and I know I'm going to miss them.  Two of them are planning on a mission, which I can support, but it also means that I'll see them who knows when again.  Especially since I've gotten a lot worse at keeping in touch with people since coming home from my mission.
In my Experiential Education class, we made a alpha-poem.  You know, those ones where you put a word vertically, and have to fill in horizontally other words dealing with the vertical word, and starting with the letters of the vertical word?  Anyhow, we did that today, with the word Experience, and I think that it fits my life fairly well.
in Every
  eXperience
   People
   Engage
   Rigerously
   In
   Exciting
   New
   Challenges
   Everywhere

My life recently has indeed been full of challenges everywhere, and of every shape and kind.  I've been forced to become the leader of a (two person) group project, and pull the other member along to get anything done. this has been a continuing challenge, because I hate being the leader.  I know that i can do it, and this helps to reinforce that in my mind, and so its good for me, I just wish it didn't have to happen.  One of my favorite things that happened this semester was that I got the opportunity to work at a ropes course.  I learned about safety and maintenance,  I learned how to facilitate activities there, I refreshed on some of my knot tying skills, I learned a lot of stuff, and was able to spend some time outdoors, when I otherwise wouldn't have been able to.  This semester has been one of my favorite ones up here.  I didn't have to fight my depression as much as I was expecting to.  I ended up with better experiences, and much better roommates than I expected to.
I'm sad to have it be ended so soon.  I learned a lot this semester.  I grew a lot.  I have had a lot of experiences that I know that I needed to have.  People that I know I needed to meet, and get to know.  Life is good.  How could I complain?

May 28, 2008

Two years ago, I entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. How little i knew then that the experiences that I would have there, and in the 18 months that followed would change my life forever. I look back on that day, and see just how scared I was. I was literally being cut off from the world I knew, and being thrown into something foreign. At the time, I'll be honest, I was a bit angry with God for Him telling me I needed to go. But I listened, and I went, and now, I am so thankful that I did. I learned so much about myself, and about life. I learned much more about the gospel than I ever could have staying at home, and going to school (and possibly getting married). I look back on that day with a lot more appreciation than I had on that day. I look back, and I see myself entering, and being such a small girl. Now I am home, and I've grown. I've had at least one person say to me "Melinda, you aren't the same girl you were before your mission" and it makes me happy. It shows me again and again just how right God is, and always will be, even if we don't like what He wants us to do.

Faith, and Talking with God

The last few days have been an interesting few days. I spent a large part of last week looking for a job for next semester, and on Thursday, was offered a job. I accepted, and started training on Friday. That night, I had my past come back to haunt me, and got majorly depressed. Saturday, I spent a large portion of the day talking with God. He gave me an answer that I wasnt happy with, but had come to accept. The answer He seemed to give was in the form of a song. It is a song I am only vaguely famliar with, but was able to think of the first line of the song. It is called Consider the Lilies, based on a scripture found in Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount. The basis of the scripture (and song) is that the flowers can't cloth themselves, and that God will provide for them, and take care of them. I am in a tight spot for next semester, and barely have enough for tuition, and so I thought a job was the right answer (especially since I don't qualify for financial aid exept for loans). Now, God seems to be telling me otherwise. This is where faith kicks in, and I have to trust. I havent completely made up my mind as to what I plan on doing, but I have to exercise faith. God will provide a way. I just need to figure out what that way is. I think I'll be doing a lot of talking with God over the next few days.

cellphones 101

Mom amuses me sometimes. dad has had an emergency cell phone for a while now, and it's made perfect sense as to why he has it. he's driving an hour from home every day, and out in the middle of nowhere most of that drive, so if he breaks down, he needs a way to tell someone to come and rescue him. it makes sense. i guess mom got jealous recently, because she insisted that we get her one for emergency purposes too. it doesnt make as much of sense, because she stays pretty well within walking distance of anything if she were to break down. so, we got her one. but, now she needs to learn how to use it. apparantly she thinks the one person at home who can teach her how to use it is the one person in the family who doesnt have a cell phone? i'm lucky i know how to use one though, because she refuses to let dad teach her how. "how do i make a call min? min, how do i check my messages?" honestly, the only way i figured out how to make her phone do what it is supposed to is by playing, and oopsing, and messing about on it. i told her that she should try it and see if she can figure out how to make it work that way, but she wont. it's been amusing teaching her though. maybe when i get home from my mission, i'll be able to convince her that the family should get some with a real provider (verizon would be nice, because i know lots of people on verizon, and there's that whole free verizon to verizon calling thing...) and i would actually communicate with my family. on the other hand, maybe i'll wait a few years yet.

home teaching message

this was our Home teaching message for the month. the bishop (who is our home teacher) has a daughter serving a mission, and she sent this to him, and he shared it with us. i'm sharing with you all.

The Way It Is
THE MISSION PRESIDENT:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a locomotive,
Is faster than a speeding bullet,
Walks on Water,
Associates with God.

ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a switch engine,
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
Walks on water if the sea is calm,
Talks with God.

THE ZONE LEADER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds,
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine,
Is faster than a decelerating bullet,
Walks on water in an indoor pool,
Talks with God if special request is approved.

THE DISTRICT LEADER:
Barely clears a mud hut,
Loses tug-of-war with locomotives
can fire a speeding bullet,
swims well,
Is occasionally addressed by God

THE SENIOR COMPANION:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings,
Is run over by locomotives,
Can somtimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury,
Dog Paddles,
Talks to animals.

THE JUNIOR COMPANION:
Runs into buildings,
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times,
Is not issued ammunition,
Can stay afloat with a life jacket,
Talks to walls.

THE GREENIE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol,
Plats in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE SISTER MISSIONARIES:
Lifts buildings and walks under them,
Kicks locomotives off the tracks,
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them,
Freezes water in a single glance,
Knows God.

"the nothing box"

i have to admit that this all makes perfect sense, and that i'm highly jealous of men. things would be so much different if i didnt have a brain like a ball of wire...

raincoat

So I've been looking at my missionary stuff, and things I need to bring, and one thing it mentions is a rancoat. I guess it rains a lot in Tennessee, I wouldn't know. Now, I have one slight problem. I've lived in a desert all my life, and it hardly rains in the spring or the fall. I've never used, let alone gone out and bought, a raincoat. I don't know what to look for, I don't know what might be a piece of junk, what might be good. Totally oblivious to the fact there were such things as raincoats, until I was told I would need to have one. All that I've ever used is a winter coat to keep out the cold Utah and Idaho air, and a fleece jacket, used for when it gets chilly in the spring and fall. Is there anyone out there who is more knowledgeable as to what should be in a raincoat who can clue me in? I asked a friend and they said, "just use a garbage bag with holes poked in it." As far as I know, that's basically all a raincoat is, just in coat format. :)

mission call

after about forever waiting and preping, i finally got my mission call. i'll be going to Nashville, Tennessee!

a release is found

now that its all spring like outside, i can start working in the garden again. huzzah! i was turning the garden all weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. i was able to get away from all the many many thoughts i've had running through my head all day, singing songs all about cutting people up and putting them in pies, it was just me and the dirt. oh, and the worms that i had to move out of the way of course. it was so nice. i was able to release all that frusturation into the dirt, able to forget the fact that Rachel seems to be suffering from depression, the fact that her stupid step-mother suddenly seems to be turning on us and making it so we cant ever see her, the fact that mom and dad are upset with me. it didnt matter. it was just me and the dirt. i loved it. i used to just go work in the garden for the extra couple of dollars a week i could make. now, i'm frusturated that there arent any weeds left to pull, no other dirt needs to be turned. nothing left needs to be done. i'm going to miss it when i go on my mission.

stolen idea

what else to do but this while hemming three pairs of pants? [thanks bonjean for the idea :)]
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1- there was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful.

2- sent to this earth, you were saved through the ages

3- was a man back in '95, who's heart ran out of summers

4- i hope you never loose your sense of wonder

5- look at me, i will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter

6- there was a barber and his wife, and he was beautiful

7- i used to think that i was wrong

8- for the love of a woman, a man unlocks his heart

9- when i am down, and oh, my soul so weary

10- a customer! wait, what's your hurry?!

11- oh, Mr. Todd! I'm so happy, I could eat you up, I really could!

12- we may not see the end from the beginning

13- i am adolpho perelli, the king of the barbers, the barber of kings, i bid you bonjorno! good day!

14- tell me his name, i want to know the way he looks, and where you go.

15- God deliver me, release me, forgive me, restrain me, pervaid me.

16- the engine roared, the motor hissed.

17- attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.

18- the spirit of God, like a fire is burning

19- squirrels. all we really are are squirrels.

20-kiss a wookie, kick a droid, fly the Falcon through an asteroid.

21-sweet polley pluncket lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward, sighing

22- i feel you, johanna, i feel you.

23- his hands were quick, his fingers strong

24-excuse me, my lord, may i request, my lord, permission, my lord, to speak?

26- ladies and gentlemen, may i have your attention please!?

27-praise to the man who communed with Jehova!

28- sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow

29- rubber ducky, you're the one

30- ((spoken) out i say out! all this running' and shoutin' what is it now dear?) there's hole in a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it

eloping

a lot of peoples i know have been getting married, are engaged, or are soon to be engaged. all of them have their weddings that they have been planning out. lucky me, i dont have to plan out my wedding, or even think about planning a wedding. ever. my dearest sister has it all planned out. but here's the thing. i dont want a wedding, and especially not like my sister has planned out for me. (the other fact being that i really doubt any guy is going to propose. it just doesnt seem to happen.) she's all into big ol' fany weddings, and she know's that i'm not. my dear sister has the colours chosen, the flowers (per my request, the only thing i've had a say in) chosen, and who's going to be there, and where it's going to be. but here's another thought. i'm much to chicken to tell my parents about any guy who might actually propose. mostly, because i dont see it ever happening, and seconly, because last time (last time? only time.) i told my mom i had a boyfriend, she was highly disaproving. would she be more approving if i told her that some guy had just proposed? somehow, i really doubt it. so, i've decided that if it ever were to happen, i would have to elope. i'll just send my parents a "hey, we got eloped. sorry i didnt tell you" note, that way, everyone is informed, and i get what i want too. i dont know, maybe its a rotton way to look at it, you can decide that for yourself. but, as for me, i think that's how it will have to be done. yep. its all planned out now. i can have my wedding just the way i want it, and everyone else will just have to like it. :)

kids

we had a ward talent night last night, and of course, i wasnt really paying attention to what was going on, i was watching all the kids. they were cute, and some of the things they did made me think. there was one boy, Caleb (he used to be one of my sunbeams :D ), was after this girl (sorry, i dont remember her name) all night. when he first got there, and saw that this girl was there asked "mom, can i go play with [that girl]?" of course he was allowed. it was really cute to watch the interaction between those two kids. it reminded me a lot of how YSA interact with each other. he followed her around all night, and offered her the jellybeans out of his hand. when it came time to sit and watch everyone perform their talents, he was the MOST discouraged little guy i have ever seen when her brother sat down beside her, and refused to relequish his spot next to his beloved sister. he was even more discouraged by the fact that the gal didnt help him out any, telling her brother to move and make room for little Caleb. so, he settled for sitting right in front of her, as close as possible. when her brother finally did move, Caleb hurredly moved to sit next to the girl he was trying to win all night. he was extatic about this fact, and refused to move. it was fun to sit and watch this interaction. i had never realized that the "boy gets girl" things started just that young. it makes perfect sense though, and makes one wonder about just why we do it, for almost all of our lives, until the boy finally does "get the girl" or the girl finally does "get the guy" i know that we as humans are programmed to have all that in us, so that we can fulfill God's commands and procreate and fill the earth. but why do these certian desires fill us at such a young age? this must be one of the many factors that plays a part in the fact that people get married so young, (and hence the "get married"ness of dear old BYUI.)

sharing

i miss having people with with i can share whats going on in my life. i no longer live with three other girls who are up for a discussion, even at 12pm. i no longer go walking with a friend for supposedly hour long walks, which usually ended up a lot longer than that. i dont have anyone at work that i can tell about whats going on either. i dont even really feel like i can tell my parents most things that are going on in my life and at work. i want someone here to do that.

life

its been a while since i've actually updated my life, so i thought that i would do so, since i have no time, and am trying to put off doing my taxes today. :)

-starting with the most recent, my mission papers have made it in to the stake president as of today. as to when i'll be able to meet with my stake president, that is still up in the air. he is out of town a lot, which is rather frusturating, but i always planned on waiting a lot longer to talk to him. he is the stake president after all. and hey, at least i still get to talk to him sooner than expected. things with my councelor apparantly progressed faster than thought, according to her, which was a wonderful thing to hear.

-i actually have stopped my counceling. i stoped it right after my old councelor left, and i had to get a new person. i'll admit it, this seems to be turning into a habit, and i need to stop doing so.

- i still work at sears, but i'm no longer the only one on my team! we got a new gal just the other day. so, although she is currently doing training all morning, i'll eventually have another person to work with, and the load wont be quite as heavy. it came at a convienet time, because they hadnt been all about giving me days off, and now that i'm doing a class, i'll be going out of town to take tests.

-as mentioned, i'm currntly taking a class through BYUI. its an online religion class (new testament to be exact), and is turing out to be a lot more work than i ever planned it to be. i have a couple hours of reading monday-friday, and sometimes on the weekends. i had figured a lot of reading, but not as much as it actually is. i do love the class though. its teaching me some perspectives that i never would have thought about. its wonderful to be learning again.

-i'm no longer teaching the really cute sunbeams. i'm now teaching the CTR 9-10 class. its an interesting experience to feel like you know nothing when your teaching them. the kids are way way smart, and it sometimes amazes me just how much those kids know.

-rachel has left, but oddly, i'm not doing too bad. i expected a whole onslaught of a bunch of crap that happens with my bad depression, but it hasnt come, and i've been able to stay really happy. i guess that means that he therapy i did for those three months really wasnt a waste of my time and money. i do miss having her around, and all the fun we had together, and the house is now really quiet. it does mean we can eat things she really didnt like though, like spinach things, and things with peaches in them, and rhubarb! i've missed being able to have rhubarb things. :)

-for the first time in 21 years, i now have my own room. its kinda interesting to be able to have things in my room how i want, and to sleep not 5 feet off the floor. becasue of it, i spent a few days and rearragned things all by myself (okay, technically dad did take the beds apart, but only because i didnt get to it the day before since i was sick), and i'm proud of how the room now looks. :)

-i've started, or, more like, tried to start a daily yoga and cardio routine, but it hasnt really happned. between my class and what mom needs me to do during the few hours that i'm home and she isnt, i've found myself lacking in time. its something that i need to try and do better at though. it would help if i would prioritize my time, and not play as much. :)

-happy day for me, i've planned some trips up to good ol' rexburg to get out of the house. admitidly, two of those trips have educational reasons behind them. i need to go and take my tests somewhere, but instead of deciding to just take them here in utah, i'm going to save a lot of trouble, not time, but trouble, and take two trips up to rexburg to take some tests. it will be nice to get out of the house for a few weekends. :) i'm also going up to see the opera they are doing. one of my old roomates, RL, is a music minor, and she told me she was going to auditoin for the opera. i'm going to go up and support her being in the opera, or if she didnt make the cuts, i'm going to go and watch it with her. i just wish i could stay a little longer that trip. its a trip up the night of the opera, and leaving early the next morning. :( it should still be fun though.

- last, but not least, i've kept up my photo a day blog. its been a wonderful thing to do in my life. its made me look for the good things in life, and its helped to keep my mind where it needs to be, and focusing on what it needs to focus on. i just wish that i could do it for a bit longer than will probably happen, since eventually i'll be leaving on my mission, and i doubt my mission president will allow me to keep posting. maybe i'll just invest instead in a whole buch of those disposable cameras and take them with me, with instructions to my sister to upload them for me if possible? we'll see when the time comes.

final verdict # 2

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

so, we got a call from chris this morning. apparantly we wont get rachel AT ALL in two weeks. he wont tell us why. the way he said it at first made it sound like it was our fault, and that we werent doing something right, but he wont tell us what. so, in two weeks, rachel is going to apparantly be moving out. i guess we'll see what happens with it. we're currently (as in right this minute) trying to talk this out and see what his reasons are for it, but he wont say. not really. grar!

final verdict

Part 1
Part 2
so, we now have a final verdict on whats going on with rachel. soooo sorry. its been on my mind, and i need to tell someone. even if no one really reads this, the possiblity is there. so, we found out, finally, that chris has, as we suspected, sided with the hawks, and has it so that rachel will be spending every_single_weekend_ with the hawks. i dont know why we cant have just one weekend a month. their reasonin in why we couldnt have her every other weeked was even weak. they said "two weeks is too long. she'll forget us inbetween that time." sorry, i dont think so. i dont even want to know what sort of lame excuse they came up with for not even one weekend a month. it was supposed to start this weekend, even though we had told them, and they had been fine with it, that she had something this weekend, an they couldnt have her. i dont think i've ever been so close to abducting a child in my life. they are being absolutely unreasonable. oh, and something we just found out. the hawks apparantly dont think we are teaching her "life skills" because over chrismas, they asked her to go pack her suitcase to come home, and all she did was just sit there. now, rachel has this personality, and other kids do too, so i dont know why they had a problem with it, that if she doesnt want to do something, she'll just sit there, and not do it. its not like we let her gt away with it, we make her do it. apparantly, though, they think we're not teaching her life skills, and not teaching her how to pack a suitcase, just because she sat there and didnt pack it over christmas. what do they think we're doing with her? absolutely nothing? my personal oppinion is that she didnt do it because she was doped up on benedryl all the week she was visiting them over christmas. but, again, my oppinion doesnt count for anything. so, she's going to go there and learn the life skills (what life skills is she going to learn? whenever she goes with them, she's on benedryl the whole time, and all they do is go shopping. what's she to learn. how to be doped up and how to shop?)that we are apparantly failing to teach her. am i being unreasonable in really not wanting her to go?