Becoming a leader

WARNING:  This starts out as more of a rant, but it turns into more phylisophical at the end.
For one of my classes, Facility Management (lovingly referred to throughout the semester as my one hated class), we were put in groups of two, and told to do these huge projects.  One project was to come up with the idea for a facility, and see why it would work in a certain area.  We chose to do a rock climbing gym, and the location here in Rexburg, Idaho.  There was a lot of work to go into it.  A lot of research, and putting things together.  My partner was less than enthusiastic about helping.  Also, he missed classes rather regularly, and had the tact of missing the classes where our teacher talked about the important information going into the papers and the project.  It didn't bother me at first, figuring that he had his half of the work to do, and I had mine. As long as he got his half done, I would be okay with it.  We never met out of class (even though it was highly suggested we meet at least once weekly so that we both know and understand the research that was being done), and we hardly communicated.  Oh, and did I mention that I was the one who made sure that everything got done?  The project came due, and he was supposed to email me his half of the work, and I would put it all together, print it out, and bring it to class.  All night, I looked and I looked for his email... it never came.  Instead, I worked on his half, and pulled some stuff together.  It was a horrible job, but at least it was something.  Happily, I found out later that it was some sort of error in the system, and that he had sent it, I just never got it.  The next project included taking that first project, with all of the research, and all of everything that we had just done, and turning it into an essay.  Again, I was the one who had to make sure that everything got done, to suggest ideas, and to put it all together, and bring it to class.  Lastly, for the final, we had to do a presentation about our facility, and try and sell it to the "board members" (aka, the other members of the class) to get funding for it, and show them why it was a good idea.  I had to email him two or three times just to let him know what all was required for said presentaion, and put it all together.  He just basically looked at it, and presented half of the information.  I'm glad that the partnership is done, and I'm hoping that I learned a lot from it, and how to be a better partner.
After our presentation, I stayed after class to talk to our teacher about the essay, and why it wasn't good, and some extra credit that I had done.  She asked me about the partnership, and then made this comment "But you didn't complain at all..."  It made me think, and wonder.  I did plenty of complaining, to myself, sometimes to my roommates and other friends, but no, she never heard about it.  She was almost asking why, but didn't so I didn't offer the information.  I don't know if I would have had an answer at that point in time anyhow.  I have been thinking about it ever sense.  I think I came up with my answer.  I needed to prove to myself that I could be that leader, that I could take charge in a situation and make things happen.  I did a little bit on my mission, and I saw that change.  But on my mission, my companion was motivated, and wanted to go do the work.  This was different.  My parter had no motivation, and was less than enthusiastic about helping out.  So, I showed to myself that I could do it, that I could be a leader, even when they didn't need it.  And I didn't complain.  If it was a professional setting, I wouldn't be able to complain and have things magically change.  I proved it to myself that I could lead.  I could take charge when I needed to.  This has been especially helpful in the last month or so, in a dating and love life sense.  But that is a completely different story, that I'm not quite sure how it worked.  I'm still processing that one.  But, most important from this experience, I learned that I can lead, and I can do it well.  It isn't with force, and making the other person to do it, but how to lead gently, giving timely reminders, and how to let the other person have some accountability, when they need to take it.  I can't be responsible for their success, and I can't necessarily pull them along.  If it is important to me, I will do the extra work necessary, but I can also let things go, and let the other person be responsible for their half of the work load.

final verdict # 2

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

so, we got a call from chris this morning. apparantly we wont get rachel AT ALL in two weeks. he wont tell us why. the way he said it at first made it sound like it was our fault, and that we werent doing something right, but he wont tell us what. so, in two weeks, rachel is going to apparantly be moving out. i guess we'll see what happens with it. we're currently (as in right this minute) trying to talk this out and see what his reasons are for it, but he wont say. not really. grar!

final verdict

Part 1
Part 2
so, we now have a final verdict on whats going on with rachel. soooo sorry. its been on my mind, and i need to tell someone. even if no one really reads this, the possiblity is there. so, we found out, finally, that chris has, as we suspected, sided with the hawks, and has it so that rachel will be spending every_single_weekend_ with the hawks. i dont know why we cant have just one weekend a month. their reasonin in why we couldnt have her every other weeked was even weak. they said "two weeks is too long. she'll forget us inbetween that time." sorry, i dont think so. i dont even want to know what sort of lame excuse they came up with for not even one weekend a month. it was supposed to start this weekend, even though we had told them, and they had been fine with it, that she had something this weekend, an they couldnt have her. i dont think i've ever been so close to abducting a child in my life. they are being absolutely unreasonable. oh, and something we just found out. the hawks apparantly dont think we are teaching her "life skills" because over chrismas, they asked her to go pack her suitcase to come home, and all she did was just sit there. now, rachel has this personality, and other kids do too, so i dont know why they had a problem with it, that if she doesnt want to do something, she'll just sit there, and not do it. its not like we let her gt away with it, we make her do it. apparantly, though, they think we're not teaching her life skills, and not teaching her how to pack a suitcase, just because she sat there and didnt pack it over christmas. what do they think we're doing with her? absolutely nothing? my personal oppinion is that she didnt do it because she was doped up on benedryl all the week she was visiting them over christmas. but, again, my oppinion doesnt count for anything. so, she's going to go there and learn the life skills (what life skills is she going to learn? whenever she goes with them, she's on benedryl the whole time, and all they do is go shopping. what's she to learn. how to be doped up and how to shop?)that we are apparantly failing to teach her. am i being unreasonable in really not wanting her to go?

update

so here's a quick update on the rachel thingy. i know, i know, its boring to hear about it all the time, but i need to get it out for my sake.
so chris finally called back last night to supposedly tell us what kind of decision he had come to on where rachel was going to live and where she was going to spend her weekends. apparantly the hawks (stupid chuffers) are very adamant about rachel comming to see them every single weekend. i'm all for them getting her every other weekend, but apparantly they think that "every other weekend is too long in between, and she'll forget us" yeah right! she doesnt even really want to go spend time with them. she's scared of them. she is willing to get to know them, but she wants to have chris there, as a support. (she wont tell chris any of this, but she will tell me, who then has to relate it to dad, who will relate it to chris.) so, we're trying to see if we can have rachel for just ONE weekend a MONTH. i'm not at all happy about this idea, when are we supposed to do anything fun with her? i guess we're not supposed to. we've finally gotten to a point that chris will listen to us about what rachel needs/wants. so, he's still thinking about it, and supposedly he will call us back tonight to let us know what he has figured out.
here's the thing about all this that bothers me. chris is currently on marrage number three, and having just come home from iraq with PTSD, he's very likely to do whatever he can to save this newest marrage. including, apparantly, forget about the needs of his child so that he can please his wife. the fact that he'll put his marrage before his children, that should come, but just to an extent. he shouldnt be forcing rachel into something she REALLY doesnt want to do. its stupid, and will just make rachel dislike her daddy all the more, which is something that chris really wouldnt like. and another thing that we found out that bothers me is the fact that krystal says that rachel has to call her "mummy" not "mommy", but close enough. ah ha, now i see and understand. they say that they dont want krystal to take the place of jen, rachel's real mommy, but forcing her to call krystal mummy? mmmm... there's a problem there. they may say that they dont want krystal to take her place, but really, i think they want rachel to have absolutely nothing to do with us, and with jen, and with everything else to do with her real mom's family. mayhaps i'm over reacting, i dont know. i just dont like the stupid chuffers, and this isnt helping to make me like them more.

rantings

so, we got a call from rachel's dad (chirs) sunday night. he told us that his wife's family (the hawks) want to start taking rachel every weekend, and if we ever wanted rachel on a weekend, we would have to call them and see if it was okay with them, wich doesnt make sense when we have her living at our house anyhow. we tried to talk the hawks down to every other week, because we want to be able to see her on the weekends too, instead of just during the week, when we cant go and do anything fun with her (she would go with them from friday afternoon after she gets home from school, to sunday night at bedtime. all she has time to do here is go to school, come home and do her homework, and then its bedtime. we dont want to be just the disiplanarians, and have them be the fun grandparents. we want to be able to have some fun with her and see hersometimes too). they wont bend, and take her just every other weekend, so their other idea is to take her permanantly, for everything, she would be moving out of our house. one problem we have with that is that chris will be comming here in about six months. she's insecure about life as it is (hence the thumb sucking, as mentioned earlier), why move her twice, when she could be moved just once, when chris came. chris's wife (krystal) wants rachel to be able to spend time with the hawks's, to get to know them better. thats not a bad idea, but she's told us that she is kinda scared of her grandpa hawks (according to rachel, he is kinda big, and in a wheelchair, and thats what scares her), and she would be more comfortable getting to know him if krysyal was here, but krystal is in DC with chris (he's in walter reed hospital). another thing is that they have dogs, and rachel is allergic to dogs. apparantly when she went to spend the week with them over christmas, she was on benadryl the whole time. sorry, that shouldnt have to happen. are they willing to give up their dogs to have rachel come live wit them? the answer to that was no, they are going to keep their dogs, and just keep rachel on benydryl. a stupid idea, because she cant remember what she did over christmas from being on benydryl. her school performance would go way way down. the last issue we had was that rachel has been living here for about four-five years. over that time she's grown to be like a daughter to not just me, but to mom and dad as well. they want to take rachel in about...oh...a week. now, we were just getting used to, and were fine with the idea of rachel leaving to live with her DAD in six months. thats time enough that we can still have her, and see her, and all that. the thing about the hawks is that if she leaves to live with them, we wont ever see her again. they dont like her living here with us, and try and take her all the time. i think i've mentioned that we werent sure if she would come back after both thanksgiving and christmas with them. we know for a fact that if she were to live with them, we would never ever see her again. and then she's just leaving in a week?! oh, and to top it all off, (this doesnt really have to do with this subject, but i need to get it out) when she went to spend time with them over thanksgiving and christmas, the time they wanted to come pick her up was inconvienint for our family. they were NOT AT ALL willing to see that we cant really do it then, can you come pick her up at a different date and time? both times, we had to rearrange our lives to make accomidations for THEM and yet they never do that for US. ajslfjasdlfjasdlfjasdl;fja;sd lfjk! chuffers! sorry. anyhow, to finish this up, and not make it horrendously long, we want her to live here, and they can wait to have her (we would make acceptions for some weekends, but not every weekend) for the six months till chris and krystal get home, when chris and krystal will be living out near the hawks', and they can see her every single day if they want, and we will never see her again, but cant they wait for the six months? cant they see that those six months should be ours? chris was supposed to call last night to tell us what was going on, but did he call? nooo, he did not call. so now we are stuck wondering what is going on with rachel and everything else. grar

sldkfjasdl;fjasdl;fjsad;lfj

the day started out interesting enough. it started out with going to work, and starting to work the freight. nothing new, nothing exciting. then i get a page over the intercom, before the store is even open "melinda, please come to customer service." i get there, and my manager is wearing rubber gloves, a mask, and goggles. something just had to be up. why else would she be wearing those? so i find out. apparantly Champion Breed pet food, not just the dog food, not just the cat food, but all of their pet food (dry, not wet) is somehow contaminated. we had to get rid of EVERYTHING! lots of 50 lb. bags of food and all. and yes, i even had to wear the gloves, mask, and goggles. it was the least plesent thing i could have done that day, or so i thought. i get done helping with that, and still have about half my shift left, so i go to work more freight. then i notice, "i'm not jingling like i should" i look down...my keys are gone. i look in the stock room, i look over in Pantry, where we were working the pet food. i ask C and T if they have seen any keys lying around. "no, but i'll keep my eyes out" sad thing is, this is the most important keys i had. my car, mom's car, my house, and the shed. all ones that honestly, no one wants missing. finally, i give up, and go on break, just so i can look for my keys. not what i had planned for my break. i had been planning on hopefully taking a power nap. i've been way way tired recently, so it would have been a blessing. it was not to be. i eventually go and look IN my car to see if they somehow came of my D-ring i keep cliped to me. yep, sure enough, they were sitting on the seat. so, i call mom. she hasnt left for work yet, thankfully, so she can bring me the spare, right? apparantly i shouldnt have tried. she was home, but i got a good yelling at, (over the work phone nonetheless!) and she hung up on me when she finally found them. she had claimed that she would be late for work. but here's the thing. she had told me just the night before that she could go in to work late today. lucky for me i rememberd it. i'm just glad that i didnt actually have to meet her to pick up the keys, but i am sorry for the really nice customer service lady. she had to deal with mom. poor gal. so i get home, and help rachel pack for going to stay with her daddy et al. for the next five days (we get her christmas morning, sometime after 9:00. we have no clue what we are going to do with ourselves that morning.) things seem to go smoothly, till i double check that she has everything. rachel has been...best way to describe it is PMSing, but she isnt old enough for it. i just hope that whatever it is causing it will stop soon. its getting to me, and i'm having problems keeping my temper with her. she gets upset at me, and things start to go downhill. we eat lunch, rachel not really all that happy, then we get in the car to get to trax. happily, she falls asleep on the way there and is happy when she wakes up. we get on our way, rachel absolutely loved riding trax! it was great. get to the wells fargo building to go donate blood, and find out "oh, your iron is actually okay, but you have too fast of a pulse" stupid people. thats why you do blood pressure, and not just pulse. some poeple have horrible pulse, and will never be able to, but have really really good blood pressure. i wish it was the ARC doing it. then i could have actually done something worthwile today. instead, i wasted an afternoon, and six dollars, and felt even worse about things. just alsdfjdasl;fjadslfjasd;l.

the chuffers!

warning: the following is a rant

so, i've said once that i really dont like rachel's newest set of step-family memebers. but even though i dont like them, i can usually see their point of view. but they were being bloody chuffers! rachel is leaving this week to go to california with them for thanksgiving. first off, i dont think that they should have her over thanksgiving, but that wasnt up to me. they had been going to come get her all bright and early on friday morning. we had agreed on that. about a month ago! so, last night, we called them to find out how many days she was going to be gone, andwhat all they were doing, so that we could pack the appropriate, and enough, cloths for her to wear. we were pretty much busy all day on thursday, and that was why they couldnt come get her on thursday. rachel had SEP's (equvelant of parent teacher conferences, but the student and the parents plan things instead of just saying what a good child they are), and school, and we have a thingy at the library (its a mother-daughter book club type thing-a-ma-bob) plus, i have work all morning, so there isnt any way to get started on her wash so that she _has_ enough cloths to go with until after 2. that was fine, they said, we'll just come pick her up on friday, bright and early. that was fine, everything was great, and life went on. till last night. they called us back (we had to leave a message) to get the details about the trip. "oh, and we're picking her up on thursday night." what! we agreed on friday, so pick her up on friday. we had to explaine to them three or four times that it would be physically impossible for us to be able to meet such a request. did they listen? absolutely not. they hung up, under the pretense of "discussing it amongst themselves" but, they didnt "discussing it amongst themselves" they called up rachel's daddy and complained to him about it. next thing we know, we get a call from rachel's daddy, and he's asking us "whats wrong with picking her up on thursday night" we have to explaine it to him three or four times too! eventually, mom and dad get too upset, and rachel has to talk to him for a bit while they go "discuss" (more like argue) about it. i end up having to get on the phone and try to explaine it to rachel's daddy. the stupid bloody chuffers! they didnt need to call rachel's daddy up! he's trying to recover from Post Traumatic Stress! this is the _last_ thing he needs. rachel's daddy tries to calmly explaine to me why they can no longer come and pick rachel up on friday. rachel's grandpa hawkes apparantly suffers from severe back pain, and is not able to be in the car for long ammounts of time. woah here! and they were planning to DRIVE to california?! sorry, thats long amounts of time. i've been told about a 14 hour drive. an extra 15 minutes wouldnt hurt him in the least. secondly, even if we went with that plea, there's still the fact that we cant do it! so, what if we were to drop her off at their house, bright and early? they wont do it. hmmmm..... why not? we never did get an answer for that one. they seem to be too bloody....askl;dfj;lasdf! chuffers! dad could drop her off there as early as 5:00. its on his way to work, and when you drive an hour for work, leaving a half-hour early, its not much of a deal. they would never tell us why they wouldnt do it. they didnt want to have a clean rachel with clean cloths. no, they have to go and be stupid bloody chuffers and come pick her up, without having a shower, and with filthy cloths, after the library thing on thursday. i honestly hope that she's as onery for them when she's really really tired (she wont be getting to bed at their house till about 10) as she is for us.

i'll end this by saying sorry i seem to rant so much. i'll try and stop.

It should have been today

Today is offically 90 days from my birthday, meaning that my papers should have gone downtown today. thats great! except for not.

Reason one:
my bishop wants me to get a "missionary screening" from the LDS family services to make sure that my depression et al. wont get in the way of my being able to serve. the bishop says that he isnt worried about it, it is more for clarification for the missionary councel, because they might have questions. this meeting is apparantly two sessions long with a councelor. my first meeting isnt until next wednesday. since i've done this kind of thing before, i'm guessing it will take about a week before my second and hopefully final meeting with them, then they will send a letter to my bishop saying yea or nay i will be able to serve without any hinderance. as of right now, i'm really really hoping that they are a yea yea instead of a nay nay. i have guesses as to what it would do psycologically.

Reason two:
i have yet to meet with my stake president. president R is out of country a lot, so i have to wait a long time for his secritary to call me and set up a time. also, i have suspicions that my bishop has yet to give my papers to president R. reasoning? see reason one.

so, although this should have been a great day, its not. i should have had my papers in to downtown today, but they wont. Fie on Melinda being stupid!

the dolls of today

as i've been working at sears, i've had the opportunity to put away a LOT of toys. one thing i've noticed is that, for the girls, especially their dolls, they all seem to have the same types of messages. (you may not agree with my views, but a lot of this comes based on the fact that, since i was brought up LDS, i tend to have a different view than a lot of people) one of the messages that seemes to be sent all the time, which i'm highly in favour of, is that they need to learn childcare, and to beome mothers. i'm fine with that. another mesasage that seems to be getting sent a lot (this is more found with the stupid bratz and barbis.), is that you should find a job that doesnt require any brains. barbi has come out with some "i can be" barbi's. its showing possible carreers for when they grow up. the idea itself isnt bad, its the things they are saying the girls can become. dog walker, baby photographer, art teacher. notice, they can be a teacher, but it cant be a chemistry teacher, or a physics teacher or anytihng like that (and i'm fairly sure they would never promote becomming a park ranger). they arent encouraging anything that uses much of a mind to do. certian skills, sure, but nothing that really requires thinking. then there's the bratz dolls. they are just...as my coworker described them "they are trying to get the girls to become sluts" great description of them. on the back of one of them (i think it was a bratz sportz one) it said "we know that it doesnt matter how well we play, but how hot we look when we win" sorry, i just have a problem with that. it doesnt matter how well we play? since when? thats not how it is in the real world, sorry. it only matters how hot we look when we win? um....no. how can you even expect to win when you promote not carring how well you play? its just...wrong! honestly, its not right. girls are way influenced by what they play with, and, no matter how much my daughter would want it, i dont think that _any_ girl should play with them. look at them. what kinds of morals is it teaching?! none! when i was growing up, at least we had some decent dolls to play with. i'll make sure to save them, and then my girl will have something that istn quite so...blech.

grar

warning: this be a rant, and things i dont necessarily mean wholehartedly ( wholehartedly all the time, i mean them completely here and now) might be said.

one of the things i've found about comming home is that i slip more and more often into really really depressive states, and other related issues come up, making life just...fie. i realized exactly why, and honestly, if there was one thing about home i could change...

on saturday, mom asked to used my keys. if no one has seen my keychain, its full of all sorts of stuffs. its a small carabiner (horahh for caribiners!) with at now five keys on it (thanks BLW for giving me a key to your house) an emergancy wistle, in case i get lost in the forest, or some person wants to try and rape me or something like unto that, a compass, in case i get lost in the forest, CTR man and a light for finding keyholes, watching my step on the ground, or shining into said abductors eyes (even though it says on it "do not shine in eye, could cause eye damage". all very useful things. mom took my keychain, and she told me (i'll put a warning now that any and all diolauge may or may not be direct quotes) "mindy, you have to get rid of some of the things on your keychain, it makes you look like a geek" so i think to myself, "thanks mom, just what any child would want to hear" but out loud i say "maybe i like it" mom says "you need to grow out of it" followed by a direct silence. i refuse to reply, cause i know that if i replied, i would just get into more trouble than i had already that day, from wanting to walk up to albertsons which is just up the street about half a block instead of takng the car, for trying to use the skills i learned at school and purchace some chicken tenders at walmart, and for basicly trying to take charge when cleaning up rachel's and mine room. so...why can i do any of that? cause thats apparantly not the girl that mom raised me to be...or something like that. (same goes for likeing to wear my sunglasses all the time outside (though sunglasses are practical, so i dont know why she had problems with that one. wierd)

so what about all this puts me into more depresive moods, and other related items? well, first off, what child likes their parent to say "no, you cant do that, because its different from everyone else" none that i know of. sure, there are some cases where its okay to say that, but for a whole way of being? mmm... just doesnt seem right, thanks. next, why cant mom see that thats who i really am, that thats what makes me happy, and its expressing myself? so what if my way of expressing myself is different than all my sisters, who were really girly girls. having a tom-boy in the family isnt all that bad, is it? is she ashamed of it, and so she wants me to hide it? sorry, thats not going to really happen, unless she starts to force me to do things other than my current nature. happily, that hasnt happened yet. i will give her that she grew up in a time when being a tom-boy was looked down upon, so maybe she has that thinking still. but if my grandparents can accept it, cant mom? cant she see that i am who i am, and learn to live with it? she doesnt like the cloths i wear (i've found that cargo pants are way comfy, and very useful when you live out of your pockets like i do (as opposed to a purse), she doesnt like that i dont be all girly and wear makeup, do my hair (a braid or a bun is about as fancy as i get), doesnt like that i live out of my pockts, and surly doesnt like that i'm an outdoors-woman (and therefore my career choice. i should learn to be a secretary), and i should have better homemaking skills (i dont have any cooking skills). but all of that...thats not me. cant mom see that? her disapproving of just about everything i do...it makes me feel like i am worthless, and that i dont belong. many days, i want to be kidnaped, just so that i can feel like _someone_ wants me, and that they wouldnt mind my many quirks. (though i guess that getting married might accomplish the same thing....but thats not to happen for a wile, according to Heavenly Father)

(heavy sigh) anyhow.... another realization came, and its one i plan on trying to do something about. here's a resolution, and so its public so i'm more likely to actually follow through on it than if i just think it to myself...

most all of my blogs thus far have been rather depressing, so, i'm going to change it. i shant post anything unless it can make me happy, and/or smile and/or is an update (a nuteral or positive one) on my life. there... now to follow through with it. i'll start today, and add this here. it made me happy to read these, so i shall share with the general population.