Emotional Disability

As I got to know Sean more, he introduced me to the relm of possiblity of every person having a disablity of some sort. Disablities make life hard in some aspect for a person, and can come in a varaiety of ways (if that definition is wrong, feel free to correct me). Becuase of this, I've realized that i also have a disability, but wasnt quite sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with being social, since social things are hard for me. Never quite sure what it was exactly, I've gone through my life, looking for ways to increase my abilites with the general idea of having a disablility in being social. The other day, I realized that the disablity isnt in being social. It lies in the emotional range. My disability is my depression. My depression fills a large portion of my daily life, and allows certian things. It makes it so that I have a hard time doing social things. It makes it hard for me to get close to people (physically, emotionally, and mentally), it has helped me have a much more morbid side that many people don't know about. So now the trick is to learn abilites to go through life with this disability. What a trick that will be. Before my mission, I had learned some things that were good for me. How to be close to people physically and emotionally- which was a huge step, that ability is now gone, so I am now back to the beginning.
We all have disabilites, its just a matter of how we deal with them that matters, i suppose. So now its a matter of learning to cope with the disability each is given.

Huff Puff Ping-Pong

This is a video of a game we played in class today. Its called Huff Puff Ping-Pong. You blow the ping-pong ball around with straws, and try to get it over the goal. We played five intense rounds with people almost mashing each other and generally had fun and got some carpet burn. All while in class. Man, I love being a rec. major. :)

Scripture Study

One thing that President H, my mission president encouraged me to do when I got home was to keep up the good habits that I had formed while on my mission. Bed at a decent time, getting up by 6:30, and daily scripture study were among those suggeestions. I like to think that I have done fairly well with them. I try to read my scriptures daily, though sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
Recently, our Relief Society (it is the largest women's organization in the world, and focususes on helping the sisters of the church be able to be good women in the communities and good mothers to their family-We meet according to location) decided that it would be cool if everyone in our Relief Society read the Book of Mormon at the same time, and if everyone finished by the end of the semester. To accomplish this feat, they gave everyone cards with dates and chapters to have read by said dates. I had forgotten about this challenge until this morning.
This morning, I was contimplating just what I wanted to do today, since I have no pressing homework, and don't have class until the afternoon, when the thought came to me "what about that Relef Society Book of Mormon reading challenge?" So, I found the card, looked at the dates, and started to read. I'll admit, it was hard to pay attention. I think that God blessed me while on my mission to be able to read the scriptures without becomming distracted, because before my mission, and now after, I have a hard time concentrating.
Anyhow...
So, as I was reading, I came across a verse that had jumped out to me on my mission, but that I had forgotten about, until just this morning. I wanted to share, because it has such great meaning to me.
First, some background on the verse.
In this chapter, 1 Nephi 11, Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon has prayed that he might be able to see the same vision that his Father had seen. Nephi's father had seen a great vision that made him worried for the eternal welfare of his children. And so Nephi, wanting to do what was right and do the will of God, wanted to know what the vision ment. So, He prayed to gain understanding of the vision. Part of Nephi's fathers vision was a tree, which had some special fruit on it. The verses I like are about that tree, and the fruit that is on it. The verses say:
And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
I love the feeling that this gives to the tree, and especially to the fruit of the tree. The tree is God's love for each of us. People in the vision were free to come and eat of the fruit of the tree, which made them exceedingly happy. This fruit, is the most desirealbe thing that you can eat. The most desireable thing that people can have is the love of God. We are free to go and take that fruit, to feel of the love of God, and to have it for ourselves.

Mister Cellophane

I happened upon this song today, and it made me stop and think

just for fun

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
a tomato

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Murfreesboro, TN

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
nope- never tried

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
my roomates

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:15-- i was done chatting at that time. :)

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
maybe

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
how about, ever been kissed?

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
tie between JW and BL

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yep

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Don't drink it- but its fine for others

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
i dont remember

12. Who took your profile picture?
me

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
people at Wheelchair Dodgeball

14. Was yesterday better than today?
about the same

15. Can you live a day without TV?
all the time

16. Are you upset about anything?
yep

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes

18. Are you a bad influence?
depends on who and what i am influincing

19. Night out or night in?
'pends on the night.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Air, water, food

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Ralph Roberts

22. What do/es the last text message in your inbox say?
dont got no texting :)

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
its there

24. Do you hate any one?
Satan

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Of course. Unless it was an Ibuprofen test when I have a headache

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
heck no!

27. What song is stuck in your head?
a christian song. i was listening to the christian station today. :)

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m. Who do you want it to be?
not a kidnapper or a hitperson

in the Snow

While in the Snow, you can usually hear all sorts of people practicing. A couple people just happened to be practicing this while I was trying to practice organ this morning. on one hand, it makes me jealous of their sweet skills, but on the other, it sounds really cool, and I'm glad there is someone in this world who has musical abilities to make really sweet music. Enjoy! (you'll want to turn the volume up quite a bit. This is inside my practice room, while listining to someone else practice, so its pretty quiet)

The Lord is my Shepherd

normally when I listen to the song The Lord is my Shepherd, I think about the fact that the Lord is my shepherd, and that He wants to lead me to a pasture where I will be able to partake of the word of God. Tonight, I heard it, and it struck me differently. In the second verse, it says:
Since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear.
He isnt just my shepherd, trying to feed me the word, he also is my Guardian- and he wants to protect me. It goes on to say:
Thy rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near. No harm can be fall with my Comforter near.
As my Guardian, he will protect me. His rod shall defend me. He will defend me from Satan, and wants to protect me from everything. He doesnt want any harm to come over me. He wants me to be comforted in my hard times, and wants me to be happy. The hard times will come, and Satan will attack. But we have someone better and stronger than us, a Guardian who will protect us with his staff.

Park Ranger

During some homework for a class, i got the opportunity to look up a job descriprion for a park ranger. i enjoyed it, and wanted to share. after all, its what i will hopefully one day be doing. :)

PARK RANGER
Do you like working directly with the public? As a park ranger for the National Park Service, you (1) interpret and explain park resources to visitors; (2) facilitate visitor enjoyment of the park and its resources; (3) help ensure visitor behavior that protects park resources and gain friendly compliance with the laws and rules for safe use of the park; and (4) encourage visitors to develop a sense of stewardship of park resources. You research and present interpretive programs, and present a variety of formal and informal programs including orientation talks, environmental education programs, conducted walks, demonstrations and campfire programs. You tell visitors about park facilities and resources such as visitor centers, campgrounds, historical sites and auditoriums. Other duties may include gathering information for reports, compiling statistical data, assisting with search and rescue efforts or helping to combat wild-land and structural fires.

Dirt is good

Change

Some friends and I have been talking recently about change. A lot of us are recently returned missionaries, and so change has been on our minds a lot. Being back at school just re-enforces those thoughts. Just how has my world changed? The kids grew up (and I got an addional one). That was probably the biggest change in my world. The kids were no longer my cute little kids that I had left behind. They went through some traumatic times while I was gone. And it affected them. In more mundane ways, the house I grew up in changed. It no longer looks like my house. The school I now attend has changed in so many ways. The buildings are different. The paths I took to school are different. there are different professors for my major (and the teachers I wished had left (for my minor classes) didn't). The friends I have here at school are all different. As I metnioned, most of us have recently gotten home, and apparently, that changes people. A lot of my friends are now gone- working real jobs, getting married and having kids, going on with life. Life doesnt just stop when one goes on a mission for the Lord. I almost wish it had. The life I left, though far from where I wanted it to be, was comfortable. And now its not. There were some changes that were hard, that I still feel the reprecussions of, but I suppose that is to be expected. Probably the biggest change in comming home was having to deal with stupid girly emotions. I was happily in a world where emotions didnt mean much. I had them, but they werent needed- so they stayed nicely tucked away in a box in the corner of my mind. And now, they are there again- and trying to run rampant even though I don't want that addition to my life yet.

A lot of the questions that come to mind are "How have I changed? I know my world has changed, but have I changed to my world?" It certainly doesn't feel like it. The kids say I did. One of the first things they said when I saw them was "Mindy, you've changed." On the cute side, when I first saw Dante again he said "Mindy, you shrank! No, Dante, I didnt shrink, you grew." Then after a few more minutes, he said "No, I didnt grow, you shrank." He was and is so cute.
Dante, the whole time I was home before I came back to shcool was "Mindy, you changed" I didnt like that, because they didn't like how I had changed. But I can't control if I changed or not, can I? I can control what aspects come out from being changed, but I cant change that I changed. Some of my friends say I am more social. Mostly, I think it is just that I'm not necessarily a fan of my home right now, so I'm out and about, avoiding it sometimes. Though, I could be considered more social becasue of it. Because of some experiences that I hated while going through them on my mission, I think I'm happier. That has to be good. But (according to the kids), also stricter in some things. We still have fun. But it isn't the same.

Yes. Life has definately changed. For the good? I'm still trying to figure it out. But one thing I do know is that it certianly has changed.

Philosophy of Life- brainstorming

In one of my classes, we have to come up with a Personal philosophy of life. In the dictionary, it defines philosophy as
"2.Investigation of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning rather than empirical methods."
that deffinition made the most sense of all the many deffintions. in my book, it says
a personal philosophy of life is something we all have, but many people have not thought about their own philosphy long enough to define it clearly
I'm not quite sure it would just be confined to those who havent thought about it long enough. I've been thinking about it for a couple days now, but I'm still not sure if I know what a personal Philosophy of life is, let alone what mine might be. the book goes on to give this encouragement
Understanding your Personal philosophy is important because it gives you an advantage in an internship interview and guides your search for fulfilling employment in recreation and leasure services
So, Apparantly it is realy important to have one of these. now, if they could have given an example one, that would have been nice, because this whole Philosophy of life thing has been confusing to me. though, it does give a bit of an example
A sound Personal Philosphy allows you to describe who you are and what life means to you. It also provides direction in your life by helping you recognize what things are important to you
so, a personal philosophy is something that describes how i look at life, and what is important to me, if i look at it right. so then the question becomes how do i get such a philosophy? luckally, the book seems to have some sort of answer for that too
to examine your personal philosophy it helps to condut a review of your life. How did you arive at this pioint in your life?
i arrived here by making plans, and working hard to reach those plans. i also had a childhood dream that i wanted to fulfill, and found a way to do so.
What life experiences have had a major impact upon your life?
i would think that childhood would ahve a big impact. the things we did (or sometimes didnt do) when i was a child. the trips we took. learning all the year round. going to the library weekly definately impacted my life.
who are the friends and relatives who have had an influence upon your life?
my siblings definately had impact on my life-they have encouraged me when times got hard, and in other times too. Jason and Brandon have also had an influence on my life. they encouraged me to go on a mission, and to stay focued on what God wanted me to do, instead of what I wanted to do. Sean- influenced how I think about people, and to an extent, how i communicate. the kids- also, how i think about and look at people. they help me to have something to relate to other people with (sometimes). Rachael- helped me to understand myself when i couldnt- sh e seemed to always be able to. President Hutcihngs- He helped me to be able to believe in myself, and knew what i was capable of, even if i didnt believe him.
What beliefs do you share with these people?
well, we all have the same religious background. we all know that we have a Loving Heavenly Father, and that Christ is our Saviour. we all believe some of the same basic things also.
What heros have you had while growing up? what was it about their lives that made them heros to you?
President Theodore Roosevelt- he started the National Parks- right where i want to work
my dad- he fixed everything, and made it all better

so, after answering all the questions, you are to take a mment to reflect on them.
...
...
and after a bit of thought, i think i may have come up with something!
that we have to trust in God, and know that he is in control. that we need to have fun in life, otherwise life is a drag. we have to take care of our planet, and make sure it is there to have fun in, and also for the future to have fun in

that, i think, is a start on a life philosopy. anyone else have a philosphy? i'm open to suggestions as to what one might be

Recreation- Aristotle Style

In one of my classes, we do a lot of reading (more than I would ever guess, since its a Recreation class-- shouldnt we recreate?), and in one of the readings we had today, i came across this, and it made me think.

Aristotle's discription of the good life contributes greatly to understanding the attributes of wholesome recreation. A central principle of the good life is the golden mean, or moderation; overindulgance hinders the attainment of the good life. According to this principle, it is possible to fish too much, ski too much, or watch too much television. Exceptions to this rule are gaining wisdom and understanding, which Aristotle described as limitless goods.

How much to I personally fall into the trap of overindulgance. I enjoy doing things, but do I enjoy it too much. Apparantly the one exception to this is homework, and other school work (good thing i'm a student right now, and so I can overindulge in it all I want). However, how many times as a student, or as any other person, do I take an activity and go to far with it?

To Aristotle, the crowing virtue of the good life is leasure. But leasure does not refer to idleness or napping; it refers to activites by which human beings learn and aquire intellectual virtues. The intellectual virtues such as art, knowledge, understnding, and wisdom are the highest virtues of the good life. For Arisotle, thinking and using our minds is a distinctly human activity and the ultimate purpose of leasure. To Aristotle then, ethical leasure activities must include thinking and reasoning. these activites may be practicle as gardening, cooking, or cabinet making,- all of which require skill or art- or as complex as scientific research, musical composition, and philosophical thought.

So just how many of my daily activites fit into "the good life" as defined by Aristotle? he's a pretty smart guy, and seems to know what he is talking about all the time, doesnt he? how will i need to change how i recreate, just so that i can make my life a better one?

Four charactaristics of ethical leasure have been derived from Aristotle's description of the good life. Intellectual activity, creative activity, meaningful relationships and moral behavior. In summer, Aristotle's good life is a life of reflection, a life of seeking that which is good and lasting. it is not a thoughtless life of passiveness and passivity, or a hedonistic life of seeking thrills and pleasure through artificial stimulants or exotic activites...

I suppose, that as long as you try and have some sort of recreation from all four of the areas, then you will be doing good? hopefully. that makes it all pretty easy to follow.

snow

I started my winter camping class (yes, I voluntarily signed up for a class that I get to go and klondike in... no, I don't know what i was thinking), and today the teacher showed us this film at the beginning of class. It led to a discussion of why do we even have a winter camping class, and why winter camping is different than regular camping. i thought it was just cool to begin a class with, so i wanted to share.

bitter sweet

So, I'm back at school, and expect everything to be fine, for the memeories I had created here before to just dissappear, or just be nice plesent reminders of the past. but they arent. i walk by something, and remember something like it was just yesterday. i listened to a talk once about emotions, and controlling them, and the guy said "memory has no age" and boy howdy, have i figured that one out these last two days. i walk around campus, and although everything has changed, it isnt necessarily for the better. i dont know how to get around campus any more, and there are buildings that have been built that i have to ask "what is that monstrosity is that? oh, its the MC, when did that happen. i thought they were finished two years ago with taht one." or "oh, wait, thats the size of the new auditorium? when did that happen?"
besides things i dont know being all around, i am barraged with a boat load of memories. some good memories that stayed good, some good memories that are now hurtful, and some dark memories that haunt the night hours. I spent a lonely day on Saturday moving in. i caught up with friends that night, but it was still hard. i wish my memory wasnt quite so attached to feeling things. i pass an apartment complex. "oh, so and so used to live there. now they are back home and working, and dating people, and i'll probably never see them again..." i pass the gardens "man, i wish it was summer right now. I would love to go back and see what they added to the gardens, and be able to study there now." pass another apartment complex, "man, why did she have to go do student teaching, she was supposed to be here." and the feelings that go with them all, they are still fresh, no matter how hard i try to make them not. it is wierd, because i want to be happy for the people, but it is hard. it makes comming up here bitter sweet. i was hoping for a nice smooth transition from the life of a missionary to the life of a student, but it isnt happening. maybe one day, it will. for now, i'll just live life in my mind, and try to remember the sweet parts of comming back, going to stadium singing and hearing songs, that were put there just for me tonight. friends that i havent seen in 3-4 years because of going on missions, the snow (i really missed it) some time to myself (although it still freaks me out when i do have it), and other such things.

quotes

along with reciting D&C 4 (and other various scripture references) every morning in my mission prep class, this quote was always read by someone in the class.

"to every man, there comes that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder, and offered the chance to do a special thing unique to him and fitted to his talent. what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared, or unqualified to do the work"

~Winston Churchill

we also did this one quite often too

The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.

~joseph smith

Android vs. Borg

Again, i've been on a star treck kick. this time, i changed it up a bit, and instead of watching reruns of the next, i found a DVD at the library devoted specifically to episodes where they delt with the Borg. it was fasanating to watch. it made me think, if i were to be on star treck, and had a choice of being either a borg, or an android like Commander Data, which would i choose? it depends on the day, honestly.
being an android, Data is able to be a free thinker. he makes his own choices, he can choose to use the holodeck for whatever he likes, and "enjoy" it, as much as an android can enjoy anything, at least. he can form oppinions, and not worry about that someone else will know without him knowing they know. he is even free to choose to pursue a relationship (it wasnt at all successful, but it was entertaining to watch, anyway). borg dont have that choice
being a borg means being part of the hive mind. what you know, so does everyone else. you have no free thoughts of your own. you comply with everything the queen says. you cannot have an oppinion. it isnt part of your hardware. all this in the pursuit of perfection. its an appealing thought sometimes. if life gets overwhelming, why not become a borg. then you will never be overwhelmed, and you no longer have to deal with your life. being part of the collective would be ideal at that point. one major downfall to this idea is that then you have no control over your life, someone else controls it completely. looking at it on a spiritual scale, it would be more like having Satan's plan for us all. to not let us have our agency, but to blindly comply with what he wants. being an Android would be more like the plan we all chose, Heavenly Fathers plan of letting us have our agency, and letting us make mistakes.
both the borg and androids are both emotionless. wouldnt that be nice sometimes? there are days i wish i just had no emotions. it makes life complicated. i am still free to believe what i like, still free to pursue what i like, but without emotion. it might make the world a little more flat, (data once tired to compose a poem "ode to Spot (his cat)" that was emotionless, all about spot's attributes. again, not quite successful, but amusing to watch), but oh, the relief it would bring. i wouldnt have to try and figure out my stupid human emotions (being an empath would accompish the same idea, but that is a different tangent). i could go through my days, not worrying about this, that, or the other, not caring what others thought. either one of those sounds nice.
so who has the biggest advantage? honestly, they both do. again, it all depends on the day. which would you choose?

team hoyt

i had learned about these guys in my Leadership class up at school, and had forgotten about them until i passed a bilboard for them on the way to the library. amazing people. i wish i could say i would be that dedicated to my child

dates for Everything?

we have preset dates for dating, for weddings, for vacations, for everything. but a pre-set date for a funeral? okay, so maybe it isnt that unusual. but the person isnt even dead yet?! that, i have to admit, i dont get. why would you set a date for your funeral, but you arent even dead yet? a lady that is in my Grandma's congregation has a date set for her funeral. the 10th of may. but she isnt dead. so why does she have a funeral date already? and what happens if she isnt dead? does the funeral go forth anyhow? do they do a funeral, and do everything but bury the person? thats one of the best ways to know what was said about you at your funeral. be alive while its happening. oh, i know! they kill the person off, right before the funeral so that they can still have the funeral! that must be it! i do admit to seeing some wisdom in it. then, you can make sure that the people who want to be there, can be there. but it doesnt do them any good if you really arent dead. unless you kill the person off. that might be interesting. kill off a person just before their family gets there for the funeral, just so that you can have the funeral, and make sure the people you want there are there. i love it. killing off people just so that they can have their funerals just the way they want it. maybe i'll follow suit, and make sure that i have a hand picked day for my funeral, and then, if i'm not dead, you can kill me off (but it has to be by my method of being killed. you have to at least promise me that), and make sure that my funeral is just how i wanted it. can i write that in my will? "i want my funeral this day, and if i'm not dead, kill me off, but do it in this fashion" i'll try it and let you know how it works.

No Child Left Behind

mom came home from work today telling me about this new girl who just moved to Utah from Iraq. the thing is, they are now just doing the CRT testing for no child left behind, and this girl has to take them. she doesnt know any english so she cant understand what is being presented. she should be able to do the math portion, you would think (do they have math portions? i dont remember), since math is "the universal language" and they have math in Iraq. but, for the purposes of No Child Left Behind (herin referred to as NCLB), she is basically just one more student who will make their child fail. i would think that since she just got here, they wouldnt make her take the tests, but they are. why? it doesnt give an accurate report. she arrived in the middle of doing the tests. and she doesnt know any english. is this fair? they dont even have the bubble sheets for her to make pretty designs on it any more, its all computerized. i dont see how they can be getting accurate reports with having people who have just arrived in the country taking the tests. does it make sense to you, cause it certianly doesnt make sense to me.

cellphones 101

Mom amuses me sometimes. dad has had an emergency cell phone for a while now, and it's made perfect sense as to why he has it. he's driving an hour from home every day, and out in the middle of nowhere most of that drive, so if he breaks down, he needs a way to tell someone to come and rescue him. it makes sense. i guess mom got jealous recently, because she insisted that we get her one for emergency purposes too. it doesnt make as much of sense, because she stays pretty well within walking distance of anything if she were to break down. so, we got her one. but, now she needs to learn how to use it. apparantly she thinks the one person at home who can teach her how to use it is the one person in the family who doesnt have a cell phone? i'm lucky i know how to use one though, because she refuses to let dad teach her how. "how do i make a call min? min, how do i check my messages?" honestly, the only way i figured out how to make her phone do what it is supposed to is by playing, and oopsing, and messing about on it. i told her that she should try it and see if she can figure out how to make it work that way, but she wont. it's been amusing teaching her though. maybe when i get home from my mission, i'll be able to convince her that the family should get some with a real provider (verizon would be nice, because i know lots of people on verizon, and there's that whole free verizon to verizon calling thing...) and i would actually communicate with my family. on the other hand, maybe i'll wait a few years yet.

home teaching message

this was our Home teaching message for the month. the bishop (who is our home teacher) has a daughter serving a mission, and she sent this to him, and he shared it with us. i'm sharing with you all.

The Way It Is
THE MISSION PRESIDENT:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a locomotive,
Is faster than a speeding bullet,
Walks on Water,
Associates with God.

ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a switch engine,
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
Walks on water if the sea is calm,
Talks with God.

THE ZONE LEADER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds,
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine,
Is faster than a decelerating bullet,
Walks on water in an indoor pool,
Talks with God if special request is approved.

THE DISTRICT LEADER:
Barely clears a mud hut,
Loses tug-of-war with locomotives
can fire a speeding bullet,
swims well,
Is occasionally addressed by God

THE SENIOR COMPANION:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings,
Is run over by locomotives,
Can somtimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury,
Dog Paddles,
Talks to animals.

THE JUNIOR COMPANION:
Runs into buildings,
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times,
Is not issued ammunition,
Can stay afloat with a life jacket,
Talks to walls.

THE GREENIE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol,
Plats in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE SISTER MISSIONARIES:
Lifts buildings and walks under them,
Kicks locomotives off the tracks,
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them,
Freezes water in a single glance,
Knows God.

cool pics

(this one is called "tennessee mountians". it doesnt look like any mountians to me...)

mom needed some stuff looked up on google images for her reading group, and claimed she didnt know how. so, i got to look them up, and found some other cool pictures at the same time.

A Day with Rachel

my alarm goes off, but something is wrong. its a saturday. this is my first inclination that today is going to be a long day. i lie on the floor, hoping i didnt wake rachel up, waiting for mom or dad to get up. since its a saturday, i'm not allowed up before them. so i wait. i think about getting in the bed with rachel, it would be a lot more comfortable than the floor, and i might be able to fall back asleep. my mind eventually wanders to California, my mind has been spending a lot of time there recently. i try to pull my mind to the future. just not too far. thoughts about after my mission have been depressing, thoughts about the past are no better, being filled with "if only i had said/come this this way, instead of that way." the present is no better. thoughts there only lead to thinking about whta stupid inane things mom and dad will argue about today. will it be another day full of pointless arguements about forgetting a salad, about cleaning the kitchen floor, not running the dishwasher, or about me? i notice that since i've got my mission call, i get argued about a lot as though i'm not even in the room. and when i ask them to stop, i just get yelled at too.
finally someone gets up. its mom. she starts to go about her normal saturday morning routine of renewing the books, and mumbling to me about how dad isnt making breakfast yet. i want to tell her to lay off, but dont quite feel couragous enough to be yelled at. not yet today. especially since rachel just came in the room, and i want tto spend happy time with rachel, not guilty time. mom seems to have this amazing ablitly to make you feel guilty, even though you were in the right, and not her.
the day moves on, going fairly smoothly until we find out Natalie cant come to discovery gateway with us. we were celebrating rachel's birthday a few weeks late, and she is dissapointed natalie cant go. she was really looking forward to it. mom and dad start to argue right there in the library. i feel myself slipping farther down the dark path of dispare. for rachel, i make myself stay happy, and help to find another alternitive. we will still go to discovery gateway, but is there another friend that you want to take with instead? i ask. we end up taking kassie, the neighbour girl that no is is quite sure how the two of them remain friends. before we can go, we have to attend a viewing. why cant we just skip it, i ask. apparantly mom and dad are "obliged" to go.
we pick up kassie, and go to the viewing. dad gets us lost, but because kassie is with us, mom doesnt yell. rachel is happy about this, but obviously expected mom to start yelling. i feel bad for rachel that she had to get used to that too.
after the viewing, we go to the gateway. everything goes fine, and mom is actually plesent to be around. it is a different story after we get back home. we have messages on the answering machine. one is for me, i am supposed to go clean the church. another is for rachel. because natalie couldnt come to discovery gateway with you, do you want to come to a barbeque with us tonight? the last one is for mom and dad, reminding them about a barbeque that they have to go to too. lucky for me, rachel wants someone to go with her, so i get to go. instead of going to clean the church, i take a nap. if i want to be at all plesent at this barbeque, i need to take a nap, but mom doesnt seem to understand, and starts to yell at me. i dont have the energy to fight back, so i pretend to fall asleep instead. it is the wrong move, i know, and mom hates me for it. for "not fulfilling your obligation" i must actually fall asleep at some point, because rachel is later sent in to wake me up. "mindy we need to go" how can i refuse her? i need to get out of the house. we bike over to the barbeque. i am glad to be rid of mom and dad for a few hours. rachel goes and plays, and of course, i'm stuck talking with the adults. "how's the mission prep. comming?" well. we still hvae lots to do, but i guess overall, its going pretty well. "what are you most excited about your mission?" leaving my parents for a while, with limited contact, i think. out loud, i say its just an overall exciting feeling." "what do you think it will be like?" i dont know, i've never done this have i? i think. but i answer it will be awesome to serve the Lord and teach his gospel. they talk about something else for a while, and i'm free to go play with the kids and help build the fire for the barbeque. i listen to their family. i never hear an arguement break out, even the many times that if i had been at home, one would have broken out. its dinner time, and as we are all gathered eating they start to quiz me about my mission again. God, i think, immediately berating myself for letting work have such an influence on what i think, cant they ask me about anything else? eventually, when the kids are all back playing, my wish is granted and they ask me about rachel. "is she doing alright? she has friends where she is living?" they eventually throw out the statement that "you're kinda like her mom aren't you? her mom, her big sister, her aunt. you were a lot of different hats." gosh, if only they knew the truth as to just how connected me and rachel have become. they would never immagine. suddenly, as they talk endlessly to me, i relize that jen's kids, and especially rachel, are the only ones in my family that i have ever been able to show love to, and say "i love you" to. even as a kid, i couldnt show it.
finally the barbeque ends, and we go home. mom tells us about the barbeque that they went to, never asking me or rachel how ours was. then one thing she says to me hits me, and not in a happy way. "i told brother bitters that rachel seemed excited to come visit us this weekend, but i think that really, she was just excited to see you." God, again berating myself immediately, can she make me feel any more guilty for leaving? i hope that's not true, is all that i can manage to say. i make sure to give rachel an extra long hug that night before she goes to bed. i only wish that day could have lasted longer, so i could do what i want with her, tell her what i want, and make absolutely sure that she knows i love her. my rachel, i say, and nobody elses. "my mindy" she says, "and nobody elses" i dont want to let her go, knowing just how dark the withdrawls are going to hit sunday night when she is no longer at our house.

to be a Q

I was watching Star Treck the other day (i've been on a star treck kick, and have some of the series check out from the library), and one of the episodes that i was watching was about an intern that they picked up and brought on board. she turned out to be one of the Q. she had to make a decision as to if she wanted to be one of the Q, or if she would make herself not use her powers, and live onboard the Enterprise. it made me stop and think, what would i do if i were placed in that situation? now, i'll stop and explaine what exactly a Q is, for those who might not know. a Q is, simply put in his own words, an omnipotent being, who can do whatever they like. they can make things appear, dissapear, live wherever, do whatever (to a point) at their whim. they can live in space without any space suit, they can make all the jewels in the world appear, they can make someone fall in love with them. whatever they want, they can get. they can take any shape they want, as well. this girl, amanda the intern, comes onboard the Enterprise and suddenly starts showing Q powers. she is faced with the decision of being able to use her powers and live (in the continum, of course), or die. what plesent options, no? in the end, she chose to be able to use her powers, but she only used them for the good of others. would i have chosen the same, and used the same nobility? i like to think so, but at the same time, i'm not at all certian. since i am just a mear mortal, i might just end up being all selfish and using it for my own wants. there are many things i would change about my life, but also about things around me. it would be an interesting conundrum to be in, and one i'm happy i dont have to be in. i dont think i would make the right choice

response to an indirect tag (and because i'm bored)

A - Attached or single? SOOO way single, you wouldnt believe, with no prospects of changing that. i'd not oppose to a change though.
B - Best friend? a tie between Sean and Rachael L.
C - Cake or pie? pie.
D - Day of choice? wednesdays
E - Essential item? depends on the project. my leatherman is always handy though...
F - Favorite color? Purple
G - Gummy bears or worms? worms
H - Hometown? West Valley City, UT, but i wouldnt mind changing it
I - Indulgences? sleeping till 7 on sundays
J - January or July? January :)
K - Kids? don't i wish
L - Life isn't complete without? Family and friends
M- Marriage date? lets talk about getting a boy first
N- Number of brothers and sisters? three sisters, and two and 4/2 brother's-in-law
O - Oranges or apples? both
P - Phobias or fears? water, hights, and the unknown
Q - Quote? i dont have a favourite at the moment
R - Reason to smile? Rachel
S- Season of choice? spring
T - Tag six: anyone who might read this who hasnt done it already
U - Unknown fact about me? I don't think I have one.
V - Vegetable? anything but asperagus, beans, and brussle sprouts
W - Worst habit? using the word "chudder" for _everything_
X - X-ray or ultrasound? neither one.
Y - Your favorite food? most anything? i'm not picky
Z - Zebra or horse? neither one.

Rexburg Dreams

I'm riding along on my bike. It's a race! but, I'm not supposed to be there. BJ is supposed to. not me. but i have to be. a mob is after BJ, and she can't be shot. other people i know are also in the race. RL, MC, SG, JW, all in the race, and i'm actually keeping up with them. but someone is in the mob. we pass the next to last marker. suddenly. its just me, SG, and MC. everyone else has finished. out of the blue, SG pulls out a gun, "Get her gone!" MC yells. i dont know what they mean, but guess they must be in the mob. SG aims at me, and as i panic, i pull far ahead and finish the race. just as i pass the finish line, SG shoots, twice, and his aim is sure. both times. i'm thrown from my bike and fall to the ground. a pain in my left side. "at least BJ is safe. i did my job." SG comes over to make sure i'm dead, and there he stands, watching me till i die.

"the nothing box"

i have to admit that this all makes perfect sense, and that i'm highly jealous of men. things would be so much different if i didnt have a brain like a ball of wire...

raincoat

So I've been looking at my missionary stuff, and things I need to bring, and one thing it mentions is a rancoat. I guess it rains a lot in Tennessee, I wouldn't know. Now, I have one slight problem. I've lived in a desert all my life, and it hardly rains in the spring or the fall. I've never used, let alone gone out and bought, a raincoat. I don't know what to look for, I don't know what might be a piece of junk, what might be good. Totally oblivious to the fact there were such things as raincoats, until I was told I would need to have one. All that I've ever used is a winter coat to keep out the cold Utah and Idaho air, and a fleece jacket, used for when it gets chilly in the spring and fall. Is there anyone out there who is more knowledgeable as to what should be in a raincoat who can clue me in? I asked a friend and they said, "just use a garbage bag with holes poked in it." As far as I know, that's basically all a raincoat is, just in coat format. :)

mission call

after about forever waiting and preping, i finally got my mission call. i'll be going to Nashville, Tennessee!

a release is found

now that its all spring like outside, i can start working in the garden again. huzzah! i was turning the garden all weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. i was able to get away from all the many many thoughts i've had running through my head all day, singing songs all about cutting people up and putting them in pies, it was just me and the dirt. oh, and the worms that i had to move out of the way of course. it was so nice. i was able to release all that frusturation into the dirt, able to forget the fact that Rachel seems to be suffering from depression, the fact that her stupid step-mother suddenly seems to be turning on us and making it so we cant ever see her, the fact that mom and dad are upset with me. it didnt matter. it was just me and the dirt. i loved it. i used to just go work in the garden for the extra couple of dollars a week i could make. now, i'm frusturated that there arent any weeds left to pull, no other dirt needs to be turned. nothing left needs to be done. i'm going to miss it when i go on my mission.

holidays

We had/ will have a whole bunch of holidays this month. I just wanted to share what they were, so's all can remember them and celebrate them. First, we had National Pie Day. This occurs on March 14. the date is then 3.14. in the year 2015, it will really be pie day, as the date will be 3.1415. :) Next, we have the ides of March, on March 15. Thanks to Shakespeare and a very literate family, we "beware the ides of march" and watch for any would be assassins. :) Next is Palm Sunday. This doesn't usually occur in march, but it is always a week before Easter. This year, it gets to be March 16th. Palm Sunday marks the Sunday that Christ rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, with the hosts shouting "hosanna, hosanna!" and laying the palm branches down, celebrating the fact that Christ was comming. Next day, March 17th, is St. Patricks day. The day of the irish. People in Ireland dont actually wear green this day, this is truely an American tradition. Wow, a whole weekend of holidays! We get a break after that however, and until the 20th, when its the first day of spring. This officially starts spring off, and the days start getting longer, as the earth tilts itself the other direction. After that is the 23, when we have Easter Sunday. The day we celebrate the fact that Christ died just for us, and for our sins, and then was resurrected, so that we can eventually have power over death as well. Such a hopeful day.

stolen idea

what else to do but this while hemming three pairs of pants? [thanks bonjean for the idea :)]
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1- there was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful.

2- sent to this earth, you were saved through the ages

3- was a man back in '95, who's heart ran out of summers

4- i hope you never loose your sense of wonder

5- look at me, i will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter

6- there was a barber and his wife, and he was beautiful

7- i used to think that i was wrong

8- for the love of a woman, a man unlocks his heart

9- when i am down, and oh, my soul so weary

10- a customer! wait, what's your hurry?!

11- oh, Mr. Todd! I'm so happy, I could eat you up, I really could!

12- we may not see the end from the beginning

13- i am adolpho perelli, the king of the barbers, the barber of kings, i bid you bonjorno! good day!

14- tell me his name, i want to know the way he looks, and where you go.

15- God deliver me, release me, forgive me, restrain me, pervaid me.

16- the engine roared, the motor hissed.

17- attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.

18- the spirit of God, like a fire is burning

19- squirrels. all we really are are squirrels.

20-kiss a wookie, kick a droid, fly the Falcon through an asteroid.

21-sweet polley pluncket lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward, sighing

22- i feel you, johanna, i feel you.

23- his hands were quick, his fingers strong

24-excuse me, my lord, may i request, my lord, permission, my lord, to speak?

26- ladies and gentlemen, may i have your attention please!?

27-praise to the man who communed with Jehova!

28- sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow

29- rubber ducky, you're the one

30- ((spoken) out i say out! all this running' and shoutin' what is it now dear?) there's hole in a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it

eloping

a lot of peoples i know have been getting married, are engaged, or are soon to be engaged. all of them have their weddings that they have been planning out. lucky me, i dont have to plan out my wedding, or even think about planning a wedding. ever. my dearest sister has it all planned out. but here's the thing. i dont want a wedding, and especially not like my sister has planned out for me. (the other fact being that i really doubt any guy is going to propose. it just doesnt seem to happen.) she's all into big ol' fany weddings, and she know's that i'm not. my dear sister has the colours chosen, the flowers (per my request, the only thing i've had a say in) chosen, and who's going to be there, and where it's going to be. but here's another thought. i'm much to chicken to tell my parents about any guy who might actually propose. mostly, because i dont see it ever happening, and seconly, because last time (last time? only time.) i told my mom i had a boyfriend, she was highly disaproving. would she be more approving if i told her that some guy had just proposed? somehow, i really doubt it. so, i've decided that if it ever were to happen, i would have to elope. i'll just send my parents a "hey, we got eloped. sorry i didnt tell you" note, that way, everyone is informed, and i get what i want too. i dont know, maybe its a rotton way to look at it, you can decide that for yourself. but, as for me, i think that's how it will have to be done. yep. its all planned out now. i can have my wedding just the way i want it, and everyone else will just have to like it. :)

kids

we had a ward talent night last night, and of course, i wasnt really paying attention to what was going on, i was watching all the kids. they were cute, and some of the things they did made me think. there was one boy, Caleb (he used to be one of my sunbeams :D ), was after this girl (sorry, i dont remember her name) all night. when he first got there, and saw that this girl was there asked "mom, can i go play with [that girl]?" of course he was allowed. it was really cute to watch the interaction between those two kids. it reminded me a lot of how YSA interact with each other. he followed her around all night, and offered her the jellybeans out of his hand. when it came time to sit and watch everyone perform their talents, he was the MOST discouraged little guy i have ever seen when her brother sat down beside her, and refused to relequish his spot next to his beloved sister. he was even more discouraged by the fact that the gal didnt help him out any, telling her brother to move and make room for little Caleb. so, he settled for sitting right in front of her, as close as possible. when her brother finally did move, Caleb hurredly moved to sit next to the girl he was trying to win all night. he was extatic about this fact, and refused to move. it was fun to sit and watch this interaction. i had never realized that the "boy gets girl" things started just that young. it makes perfect sense though, and makes one wonder about just why we do it, for almost all of our lives, until the boy finally does "get the girl" or the girl finally does "get the guy" i know that we as humans are programmed to have all that in us, so that we can fulfill God's commands and procreate and fill the earth. but why do these certian desires fill us at such a young age? this must be one of the many factors that plays a part in the fact that people get married so young, (and hence the "get married"ness of dear old BYUI.)

sharing

i miss having people with with i can share whats going on in my life. i no longer live with three other girls who are up for a discussion, even at 12pm. i no longer go walking with a friend for supposedly hour long walks, which usually ended up a lot longer than that. i dont have anyone at work that i can tell about whats going on either. i dont even really feel like i can tell my parents most things that are going on in my life and at work. i want someone here to do that.

happiness is...

today was kinda a down day. as i was driving home, the Tim McGraw song same on, and soon after, the zelda song. they made me happy, and so i wanted to share.

pumps your blood

a friend of mine is taking an anat/phys. class this semester, and her last test was on the veins and the heart. she shared this video with me, i found it amusing. :)

thinking

so, i was thinking about things, and then about rachel, and then about my mission, and i realized something. you know, my papers were put on hold, and then rachel left, and things started happening with them. they were no longer on hold. they went in to the stake president. at first, it struck me as odd, then i realized, you know, God makes things happen for certian reasons, so there has to be a reason behind the timing on all this. now, what that reason is, i dont know. if it was because i was supposed to be around for rachel's sake while she was here and going through it all, its a possiblity, but for some reason, i dont think so. she's been through stuff like it before, and has been just fine, with out me there. my next thought was that, i guess then, i was supposed to learn something from it. what, i dont know, and i dont know if i really want to think about that much more, 'cause the thoughts it led to were most unplesent. but, apparantly, i was supposed to be here and learn something from it, if only from the fact that i know just how much easier it would have been if i had been like, say, in idaho, or on my mission. so, i guess it was a learning experience, but i dont know what i learned. just thought i would share. :)


P.S honestly, i thinks i do too much thinking for my own good. :) just thought i would share that too. :)

life

its been a while since i've actually updated my life, so i thought that i would do so, since i have no time, and am trying to put off doing my taxes today. :)

-starting with the most recent, my mission papers have made it in to the stake president as of today. as to when i'll be able to meet with my stake president, that is still up in the air. he is out of town a lot, which is rather frusturating, but i always planned on waiting a lot longer to talk to him. he is the stake president after all. and hey, at least i still get to talk to him sooner than expected. things with my councelor apparantly progressed faster than thought, according to her, which was a wonderful thing to hear.

-i actually have stopped my counceling. i stoped it right after my old councelor left, and i had to get a new person. i'll admit it, this seems to be turning into a habit, and i need to stop doing so.

- i still work at sears, but i'm no longer the only one on my team! we got a new gal just the other day. so, although she is currently doing training all morning, i'll eventually have another person to work with, and the load wont be quite as heavy. it came at a convienet time, because they hadnt been all about giving me days off, and now that i'm doing a class, i'll be going out of town to take tests.

-as mentioned, i'm currntly taking a class through BYUI. its an online religion class (new testament to be exact), and is turing out to be a lot more work than i ever planned it to be. i have a couple hours of reading monday-friday, and sometimes on the weekends. i had figured a lot of reading, but not as much as it actually is. i do love the class though. its teaching me some perspectives that i never would have thought about. its wonderful to be learning again.

-i'm no longer teaching the really cute sunbeams. i'm now teaching the CTR 9-10 class. its an interesting experience to feel like you know nothing when your teaching them. the kids are way way smart, and it sometimes amazes me just how much those kids know.

-rachel has left, but oddly, i'm not doing too bad. i expected a whole onslaught of a bunch of crap that happens with my bad depression, but it hasnt come, and i've been able to stay really happy. i guess that means that he therapy i did for those three months really wasnt a waste of my time and money. i do miss having her around, and all the fun we had together, and the house is now really quiet. it does mean we can eat things she really didnt like though, like spinach things, and things with peaches in them, and rhubarb! i've missed being able to have rhubarb things. :)

-for the first time in 21 years, i now have my own room. its kinda interesting to be able to have things in my room how i want, and to sleep not 5 feet off the floor. becasue of it, i spent a few days and rearragned things all by myself (okay, technically dad did take the beds apart, but only because i didnt get to it the day before since i was sick), and i'm proud of how the room now looks. :)

-i've started, or, more like, tried to start a daily yoga and cardio routine, but it hasnt really happned. between my class and what mom needs me to do during the few hours that i'm home and she isnt, i've found myself lacking in time. its something that i need to try and do better at though. it would help if i would prioritize my time, and not play as much. :)

-happy day for me, i've planned some trips up to good ol' rexburg to get out of the house. admitidly, two of those trips have educational reasons behind them. i need to go and take my tests somewhere, but instead of deciding to just take them here in utah, i'm going to save a lot of trouble, not time, but trouble, and take two trips up to rexburg to take some tests. it will be nice to get out of the house for a few weekends. :) i'm also going up to see the opera they are doing. one of my old roomates, RL, is a music minor, and she told me she was going to auditoin for the opera. i'm going to go up and support her being in the opera, or if she didnt make the cuts, i'm going to go and watch it with her. i just wish i could stay a little longer that trip. its a trip up the night of the opera, and leaving early the next morning. :( it should still be fun though.

- last, but not least, i've kept up my photo a day blog. its been a wonderful thing to do in my life. its made me look for the good things in life, and its helped to keep my mind where it needs to be, and focusing on what it needs to focus on. i just wish that i could do it for a bit longer than will probably happen, since eventually i'll be leaving on my mission, and i doubt my mission president will allow me to keep posting. maybe i'll just invest instead in a whole buch of those disposable cameras and take them with me, with instructions to my sister to upload them for me if possible? we'll see when the time comes.

the fox

i pad over to the river and take a drink. its been a long day, and i'm now far from my pack. i stay alert, listening for the hunters i know are present. after i drink, i look back the way i came. my pack has forced me out, and so i must find another. winter is approaching, i can smell it in the air. the smell of fresh snow is strong. the geese overhead are flying south, and i long to go with them. with no pack, it will be a hard winter. i will have to look hard, for myself and my unborne pup. the pup. the reason i am forced out. the pup was not the alpha's therefore, it, and i with it, cannot stay. i travel onward, as far south as i can. i want to be able to stay as warm, and to find as much food as possible if i am to live this winter. the hunter's dogs follow me, silently. i smell them though, and make sure to stay as far downwind as i can. it eventually grows to be night. the dogs go home, and i am free to travel. and travel i do. i nearly fly over the ground, running as fast and as far as i can. i find an empty cave, and i stop and rest. i need to find food, but the dogs and hunters are back, so i must wait. and watch. the dogs come closer to where i am hiding, they seem to have caught my sent. i silently slip out of the cave and run like the silent winds. the dogs give chase. i run fast, but they are faster. they are fresh, and have had a decent meal recently. i am still tired from running all night, and have only eaten some grass, and that a few days ago. i am surrounded. they bark and the hunters come. i am caught. they place something around my mouth. surprisingly, they do not kill me, even though it is late fall, and the season for killing. instead, they cage me up, and take me with them. i am placed in some human contraption, in the dark. i can smell deer in with me as well, and the smell makes me go wild. i try to get at the deer, but the thing makes it so that i cannot get at it. i cannot bark. i will not be eating. we stay at the human camp for a few more days. each day, i hear the hunters go out, looking for something else. each day, i try and get get out of that thing so i may get at that deer, but each time, i fail. eventually, i give up, and try and conserve what energy i have for surviving in the cold and dark. the hunters must have eventually given up for we move after some days. i am taken out of the dark and into the bright sunlight. i am no longer in the forest, but surrounded by humans and noise and smells. two humans seem to be talking. they are gesturing towards me, and the deer a lot. the hunter leaves, and we are left with the other human. we are taken in another contraption, but not as far. we stop, and they lead the deer out while i remain, waiting, and still in the dark. a while later, we move again, this time for a lot longer time. eventually, we stop, and i am lead out. i am led into a building, where many humans live. it is warm in the house, and i smell delicious meat somewhere in the house. i try to yelp, but i still have the thing around my mouth, and cannot. i begine to have hope that maybe me and my pup will be able to survive. the man who brought me here leaves, and i am left with many humans looking at me. they talk, and eventually i am led back outside. the thing is taken off my mouth, and i try to run to the meat i smell. a man catches me, and i am forced back into the thing around my mouth and tied to a tree.

final verdict # 2

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

so, we got a call from chris this morning. apparantly we wont get rachel AT ALL in two weeks. he wont tell us why. the way he said it at first made it sound like it was our fault, and that we werent doing something right, but he wont tell us what. so, in two weeks, rachel is going to apparantly be moving out. i guess we'll see what happens with it. we're currently (as in right this minute) trying to talk this out and see what his reasons are for it, but he wont say. not really. grar!

final verdict

Part 1
Part 2
so, we now have a final verdict on whats going on with rachel. soooo sorry. its been on my mind, and i need to tell someone. even if no one really reads this, the possiblity is there. so, we found out, finally, that chris has, as we suspected, sided with the hawks, and has it so that rachel will be spending every_single_weekend_ with the hawks. i dont know why we cant have just one weekend a month. their reasonin in why we couldnt have her every other weeked was even weak. they said "two weeks is too long. she'll forget us inbetween that time." sorry, i dont think so. i dont even want to know what sort of lame excuse they came up with for not even one weekend a month. it was supposed to start this weekend, even though we had told them, and they had been fine with it, that she had something this weekend, an they couldnt have her. i dont think i've ever been so close to abducting a child in my life. they are being absolutely unreasonable. oh, and something we just found out. the hawks apparantly dont think we are teaching her "life skills" because over chrismas, they asked her to go pack her suitcase to come home, and all she did was just sit there. now, rachel has this personality, and other kids do too, so i dont know why they had a problem with it, that if she doesnt want to do something, she'll just sit there, and not do it. its not like we let her gt away with it, we make her do it. apparantly, though, they think we're not teaching her life skills, and not teaching her how to pack a suitcase, just because she sat there and didnt pack it over christmas. what do they think we're doing with her? absolutely nothing? my personal oppinion is that she didnt do it because she was doped up on benedryl all the week she was visiting them over christmas. but, again, my oppinion doesnt count for anything. so, she's going to go there and learn the life skills (what life skills is she going to learn? whenever she goes with them, she's on benedryl the whole time, and all they do is go shopping. what's she to learn. how to be doped up and how to shop?)that we are apparantly failing to teach her. am i being unreasonable in really not wanting her to go?

update

so here's a quick update on the rachel thingy. i know, i know, its boring to hear about it all the time, but i need to get it out for my sake.
so chris finally called back last night to supposedly tell us what kind of decision he had come to on where rachel was going to live and where she was going to spend her weekends. apparantly the hawks (stupid chuffers) are very adamant about rachel comming to see them every single weekend. i'm all for them getting her every other weekend, but apparantly they think that "every other weekend is too long in between, and she'll forget us" yeah right! she doesnt even really want to go spend time with them. she's scared of them. she is willing to get to know them, but she wants to have chris there, as a support. (she wont tell chris any of this, but she will tell me, who then has to relate it to dad, who will relate it to chris.) so, we're trying to see if we can have rachel for just ONE weekend a MONTH. i'm not at all happy about this idea, when are we supposed to do anything fun with her? i guess we're not supposed to. we've finally gotten to a point that chris will listen to us about what rachel needs/wants. so, he's still thinking about it, and supposedly he will call us back tonight to let us know what he has figured out.
here's the thing about all this that bothers me. chris is currently on marrage number three, and having just come home from iraq with PTSD, he's very likely to do whatever he can to save this newest marrage. including, apparantly, forget about the needs of his child so that he can please his wife. the fact that he'll put his marrage before his children, that should come, but just to an extent. he shouldnt be forcing rachel into something she REALLY doesnt want to do. its stupid, and will just make rachel dislike her daddy all the more, which is something that chris really wouldnt like. and another thing that we found out that bothers me is the fact that krystal says that rachel has to call her "mummy" not "mommy", but close enough. ah ha, now i see and understand. they say that they dont want krystal to take the place of jen, rachel's real mommy, but forcing her to call krystal mummy? mmmm... there's a problem there. they may say that they dont want krystal to take her place, but really, i think they want rachel to have absolutely nothing to do with us, and with jen, and with everything else to do with her real mom's family. mayhaps i'm over reacting, i dont know. i just dont like the stupid chuffers, and this isnt helping to make me like them more.

rantings

so, we got a call from rachel's dad (chirs) sunday night. he told us that his wife's family (the hawks) want to start taking rachel every weekend, and if we ever wanted rachel on a weekend, we would have to call them and see if it was okay with them, wich doesnt make sense when we have her living at our house anyhow. we tried to talk the hawks down to every other week, because we want to be able to see her on the weekends too, instead of just during the week, when we cant go and do anything fun with her (she would go with them from friday afternoon after she gets home from school, to sunday night at bedtime. all she has time to do here is go to school, come home and do her homework, and then its bedtime. we dont want to be just the disiplanarians, and have them be the fun grandparents. we want to be able to have some fun with her and see hersometimes too). they wont bend, and take her just every other weekend, so their other idea is to take her permanantly, for everything, she would be moving out of our house. one problem we have with that is that chris will be comming here in about six months. she's insecure about life as it is (hence the thumb sucking, as mentioned earlier), why move her twice, when she could be moved just once, when chris came. chris's wife (krystal) wants rachel to be able to spend time with the hawks's, to get to know them better. thats not a bad idea, but she's told us that she is kinda scared of her grandpa hawks (according to rachel, he is kinda big, and in a wheelchair, and thats what scares her), and she would be more comfortable getting to know him if krysyal was here, but krystal is in DC with chris (he's in walter reed hospital). another thing is that they have dogs, and rachel is allergic to dogs. apparantly when she went to spend the week with them over christmas, she was on benadryl the whole time. sorry, that shouldnt have to happen. are they willing to give up their dogs to have rachel come live wit them? the answer to that was no, they are going to keep their dogs, and just keep rachel on benydryl. a stupid idea, because she cant remember what she did over christmas from being on benydryl. her school performance would go way way down. the last issue we had was that rachel has been living here for about four-five years. over that time she's grown to be like a daughter to not just me, but to mom and dad as well. they want to take rachel in about...oh...a week. now, we were just getting used to, and were fine with the idea of rachel leaving to live with her DAD in six months. thats time enough that we can still have her, and see her, and all that. the thing about the hawks is that if she leaves to live with them, we wont ever see her again. they dont like her living here with us, and try and take her all the time. i think i've mentioned that we werent sure if she would come back after both thanksgiving and christmas with them. we know for a fact that if she were to live with them, we would never ever see her again. and then she's just leaving in a week?! oh, and to top it all off, (this doesnt really have to do with this subject, but i need to get it out) when she went to spend time with them over thanksgiving and christmas, the time they wanted to come pick her up was inconvienint for our family. they were NOT AT ALL willing to see that we cant really do it then, can you come pick her up at a different date and time? both times, we had to rearrange our lives to make accomidations for THEM and yet they never do that for US. ajslfjasdlfjasdlfjasdl;fja;sd lfjk! chuffers! sorry. anyhow, to finish this up, and not make it horrendously long, we want her to live here, and they can wait to have her (we would make acceptions for some weekends, but not every weekend) for the six months till chris and krystal get home, when chris and krystal will be living out near the hawks', and they can see her every single day if they want, and we will never see her again, but cant they wait for the six months? cant they see that those six months should be ours? chris was supposed to call last night to tell us what was going on, but did he call? nooo, he did not call. so now we are stuck wondering what is going on with rachel and everything else. grar

just maybe

my roomate from california has been trying to convince me for a long time that i want to go at least visit california. i used to adamatly refuse to go to the state. but, upon further research, i might end up visiting the state, if i ever had a summer to go visit it. and, because i'm a fan of the national park service, i decided that is what i would mostly go visit. there have been a few places inspired by others that have actually made me want to go visit the state, inspite of myself. so, i've layed out a plan. kinda. more like, a list of places i want to go if i ever make it to california. it would have to all be done in one trip, which is why it would take a whole summer. but it would be a trip well worth the time and money it would take. i would be visiting some wonderful national treaures, and helping to preserve the area so that others can go and visit them. some of these will take just a day, or a half a day, but others of these will take many days, so that i can try and see as much of it as possible, go on hikes, and such. because the list is so long, and the ammount of time needed is so variable, i'll have to plan for one whole summer, or at least most of a summer. meaning it wont be able to be done until i'm all graduated, an have saved lots and lots so that i can make the trip, and pay any and all entrance fees/overnight fees. as well as providing food stuffs for myself. anyhow, all that being said, if i were to ever take a trip, here's the order of things, and what things i want to see while there.

Redwood Forest
Lava Beds
Lassen Volcanic National Park
John Muir National Historic Site
Black Diamond Mines Park
Round Valley
Yosemite National Park
Devils Postpile National Monument
Sequoia & Kings Canyon National Parks
Pinnacles National Monument
Death Valley National Park
Manzanar National Historic Site
Mojave National Preserve
Santa Monica Mountians National Recreation Area
Hidden Valley
Rachael's House
Joshua Tree National Park

new years!

this post is going to have two purposes to it, and therefore, its going to be really long. maybe. i guess it will all depend on how chatty i deciede i want to be today. one purpose is to make some new years resolutions, and put them here so that maybe, if i've "told" them to someone else, i'll feel more obligated to actually complete them. to make those resolutions, i'm going to have to review the year, and see how it has been and what i need to change. so we'll actually complete purpopse two first, but i never said i did things in order.


so to sum up the year. if i had to do it in one word it would be...full. it was a very full year. full of lots and lots of different things. i think the easiest way to do this is to break it up into different areas in my life, and give a short summery of what has happened with it all. maybe?

first area would have to be school. school honestly didnt go so well this year. you wouldnt know it looking at the grades, but honestly, it didnt go well. i was too preoccupied with other things that came up. it came second to everything. honestly, i'm surprised that i didnt get sick at all during the school year. (knocks on wood) i guess i shouldnt complain though, because after it all, i only have to retake one class (i'll admit that i'm not happy about it, because since it for my minor, i have to have a C to pass, but those taking it for their major can get a D and still not have to retake it. hmph!)

next area i guess would have to be the mental/emotional health. things in this area got a lot better. its not completely better, and there's still a LOT that i need to fix, but it is much better than it was. i'm beginning to see some of life's challenges in a different light, thanks to the wonderful help of my councelors. i'm getting a better grip on my deperession, and learning some coping tactics for being here at home. its helped out quite a bit.

that area leads right to the spiritual area of my life. this area has changed a lot over the year. one big accomplishment was to make it through the book of mormon for the first time ever. i started out the year thinking, "oh nothing really is going to change over the year" but, wouldnt you know it, i end up the year getting ready for a mission? i think that i'm as surprised about it as anyone else. but, it will be a good change of pace for life for a bit. its something that i think has been needing to happen, to get me where i am eventually supposed to be spiritually. i'm excited for it all, and i guess we shall have to see just how it progresses.

now, that is the sum up of all the areas of my life (unless anyone else can think of anything that i might have left out? i'm open for suggestions), which takes us to my resolutions for the year.

1- for as long as i'm doing PAD, no more random food shots.
2- i'd like to make it through the book of mormon for a second time, but this time, not taking two weeks to do it. actually gettting into it and such.
3- excersise more. i need to be getting in shape if i'm really going to be doing lots and lots of walking on my mission. i was doign good at doing 1-4 hour walks. but not so much any more.
4- improve my cooking skills. this is more of a long term goal that i've had for lots of years, and it has indeed improved. but they could get better. i still cant cook worth beans
5- improve my interpersonal skills. despite what some of you may belive, i'm really a shy and quiet person, and i'm going to have to improve that. some of that will come on my mission, but i'll need to start working on it now.

there are many many others, but for now, i'll just commit to those. i dont want to overwhelm myself.

here's to everyone else having a good new year, and all that. cheers!

2- i'd like to make it through the book of mormon for the second time in my life, and this time taking it slower than two weeks, so that i can get into it.

the 12 days of christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

this is the best way to have the twelve days of Christmas. at least, from what i've found

trust

trust is a funny thing. its something that takes a long time to gain, and it can be thrown away so much quicker. the trust of parents can be even more interesting. parents trust their kids to do, or to not do certian things. for example, mom will trust me to do the wash, sew dante' some PJs, and mow the lawn, but she doesnt trust me to drive her anywhere, run the tiller, or plan a decent primary lesson. what is it that makes someone trust, or not trust someone. most of it must come from past experience. based on a persons past experience will make it so that they know your behaviour and will either trust you, or not. mom knows that i can do the wash all by myself. i've been doing wash since i was old enough to walk (or so it seems) but she seems to base my abilitys to drive on my sisters' ability to drive (she absolutely refuses to let me drive her anywhere, even if i am the better driver in storms, and in the dark). but people have to have trust to get along, and to get things done. trust is esential in business deals. it has to be present so that each side will do what they say. trust has to be esential for leaders to get things done in their groups. but how do we get to trust someone? someone can ask you "why do you trust this person" but do you really have an answer, besides based on experience? "what made you first trust this person?" can anyone really honestly answer the question?

sldkfjasdl;fjasdl;fjsad;lfj

the day started out interesting enough. it started out with going to work, and starting to work the freight. nothing new, nothing exciting. then i get a page over the intercom, before the store is even open "melinda, please come to customer service." i get there, and my manager is wearing rubber gloves, a mask, and goggles. something just had to be up. why else would she be wearing those? so i find out. apparantly Champion Breed pet food, not just the dog food, not just the cat food, but all of their pet food (dry, not wet) is somehow contaminated. we had to get rid of EVERYTHING! lots of 50 lb. bags of food and all. and yes, i even had to wear the gloves, mask, and goggles. it was the least plesent thing i could have done that day, or so i thought. i get done helping with that, and still have about half my shift left, so i go to work more freight. then i notice, "i'm not jingling like i should" i look down...my keys are gone. i look in the stock room, i look over in Pantry, where we were working the pet food. i ask C and T if they have seen any keys lying around. "no, but i'll keep my eyes out" sad thing is, this is the most important keys i had. my car, mom's car, my house, and the shed. all ones that honestly, no one wants missing. finally, i give up, and go on break, just so i can look for my keys. not what i had planned for my break. i had been planning on hopefully taking a power nap. i've been way way tired recently, so it would have been a blessing. it was not to be. i eventually go and look IN my car to see if they somehow came of my D-ring i keep cliped to me. yep, sure enough, they were sitting on the seat. so, i call mom. she hasnt left for work yet, thankfully, so she can bring me the spare, right? apparantly i shouldnt have tried. she was home, but i got a good yelling at, (over the work phone nonetheless!) and she hung up on me when she finally found them. she had claimed that she would be late for work. but here's the thing. she had told me just the night before that she could go in to work late today. lucky for me i rememberd it. i'm just glad that i didnt actually have to meet her to pick up the keys, but i am sorry for the really nice customer service lady. she had to deal with mom. poor gal. so i get home, and help rachel pack for going to stay with her daddy et al. for the next five days (we get her christmas morning, sometime after 9:00. we have no clue what we are going to do with ourselves that morning.) things seem to go smoothly, till i double check that she has everything. rachel has been...best way to describe it is PMSing, but she isnt old enough for it. i just hope that whatever it is causing it will stop soon. its getting to me, and i'm having problems keeping my temper with her. she gets upset at me, and things start to go downhill. we eat lunch, rachel not really all that happy, then we get in the car to get to trax. happily, she falls asleep on the way there and is happy when she wakes up. we get on our way, rachel absolutely loved riding trax! it was great. get to the wells fargo building to go donate blood, and find out "oh, your iron is actually okay, but you have too fast of a pulse" stupid people. thats why you do blood pressure, and not just pulse. some poeple have horrible pulse, and will never be able to, but have really really good blood pressure. i wish it was the ARC doing it. then i could have actually done something worthwile today. instead, i wasted an afternoon, and six dollars, and felt even worse about things. just alsdfjdasl;fjadslfjasd;l.

misrepresentation

i was giving a lesson on the Birth of our Savour, Jesus Christ, yesterday, and one of the things i needed for my lesson was a nativity, so the kids could put it up while learning about all the people in it. well that shouldnt be a problem, we have only about a million nativites around our house. i should be able to find one that will work well. or so i thought. one thing about all the nativites that we had in our house is that none of them have more than one shepheard to them. but, isnt it supposed to be "shepheardS abiding in the fields, watching THEIR flocks by night."? not just one shepheard, watching HIS flock? so i thought, maybe its just the nativites that we have in our house. maybe there is one in the deseret book add that has more than one. sure enough, there was, but the vast majority of the nativites have just one shepheard. something is wrong with that. why are there always three wise men, when they didnt even show up till 13 days after the birth, and only one shepheard, when there were many of them in the fields that night? the poor shepheards! they are misrepresented in the nativites! the kids are all going to think there was only one shepheard, and that the wisemen came that night! what injustice! i think i'll rebel, and support the cause of the shepheards. if'n i ever get/make a nativty of my own, i'm going to have lots of shepheards (and sheep too, i guess) and no wisemen (they dont belong in the story). even if it isnt much, the shepheards should appreciate it.

magic?

Christmas seems to have lost its magic for me. i used to always get all sorts of excited about Christmas coming, waiting to see everyones surprise and joy. feeling the love of my Father in Heaven for sending His Son for us. but this year, its not there. i like to elude myself by thinking that it mostly has to do with the fact that i work retail. but honestly, i dont think thats it. retail might have a slight bit to do with it. it makes it so much more commercialized than it normally is. it makes it so that christmas is this big thing, and that it needs to go on for months. it makes it not nearly as special. the thing that i really think is making Christmas not what it was is that i'm getting to be an adult, and with it, more responsibilitys that, sure i want them. but not here in utah. not where i am with my family. and most espcially, i dont want it to be where i am mentally. i'm not nearly the same person i was even just five and a half months ago. i've changed, and, looking back on it, mostly not for the better. i want to be able to see things the way i did then, when things didnt look so down. i dont know what changed, but it made me...different. i need it to change if i want Christmas to be what it was when i was little. something that truely was special. something magical.

heads up

just to let you all know, i've started a different page for my photo a day's. you can go here to see them.

best thing ever

cookies

seven random facts

just for fun, and because i have nothing better to do today, i'm going to be inspired by sean's blog and write seven random facts about myself. can anyone tell i'm bored?

1- i have recently inspired my sister to do her own photo a day, the day after mine stopped temporarily.

2- the only TV that i'll watch is PBS, and that only when someone else has it on. i dont usually turn to TV for entertianment. thats what nature and books are for.

3- i dont believe in using correct grammer myself, but it really irks me when people dont spell things right, and especially when books use poor grammer or wording.

4- despite being a rec. major, i'm not at all really into most rec. things. about the most that i'm really into is hiking and backpacking. (i'm hoping that taking the snow skills classes will change that a bit, along with the land skills) besides that, i'm hydrophobic.

5-i've been writing in all caps for so many years that i have a hard time forming lowercase letters.

6- i'm dyslexic, but with numbers only.

7- i highly enjoy watching really morbid movies.

we're marked

our house must be marked. all day for the last three days (since we got about 7" of snow!) we've had non-stop birds at our bird feeder. we no longer have a huge tree in our backyard, so we were kinda surprised to see just as many, if not more, birds come this year than normal. the birds must have some sort of marking device, like they do for the hobos and the underground railroad, so they know that "see that house over there? it has food. go get it all"