When positive peer pressure is just too much

I've learned quickly in this brief postpartum period that everyone and their dog has an opinion about breastfeeding, and just how great it is. I've also discovered that some opinions are more helpful than others. and sometimes seemingly harmless comments meant to encourage can do just the opposite.
I'll admit that I've been having problems with breastfeeding thus far.  Not having anything there the first few days, then the colostrum coming in so slowly and in such small amounts I wasn't even able to syringe any up, let alone in the amounts that baby J wanted them in.  Now on to the problem that he's such an impatient eater, he won't latch on to me for more than 3-4 sucks, and then gets frustrated there isn't anything there, and that he actually has to put in some work to get something from me. Honestly, I don't want feeding time to be any more stressful than it already is for both of us (especially that 3am feeding....) that I've come up with my own system of  pumping what I can, feeding that to him, and then supplementing with formula. I'm content to do that until my actual milk comes in (and not just the colostrum or in-between the two stuff), and  if he's still too impatient after the milk comes in, then to continue on after. But then people give seemingly harmless comments about "The best thing about actually breastfeeding is..." and it's very discouraging, and honestly, a bit overwhelming. So far, I haven't been able to produce the amounts of stuff that J wants and I think that even if I could, he wouldn't latch on long enough to be able to get at it. But is there really a problem with pumping my milk, and just giving that to him in a bottle?  Isn't that good enough, and can't I get some encouragement on just what I can and am doing for this kid? I'm making sure he isn't starving, and I'm trying to get the amazing-ness that is breast milk to him in as much quantity as I possibly can. Isn't that good enough?  Can't people see that and be encouraging about "you're doing your best, and that's what counts"?  So far, out of the multiple people I've talked to about this problem (Drew, numerous nurses at the hospital, the hospital lactation consultant, mom and mom in law, sisters...) only 3 of those many, many people, have been supportive of what we've got going and encouraging that I'm trying my best, and thank heavens for today's medical advances. So yes, it is nice that people care about what's going on, and that they want to be encouraging.  Maybe just try a different tactic, and don't keep going on and on about "well, the great thing about actually breastfeeding is...." and try something more like "It sounds like you've got some problems there, but I'm glad your doing what you can for him"

You know you've married a Gamer....

...when you're woken up in the middle of the night with your spouse using the top of your head as a mouse pad in their sleep, and making shooting noises :)

I was rather amused at this incident, and we had a good laugh over it in the morning.

Naming

Naming a kid is hard. First you have to narrow it down to some favorites, and figure out what sounds good. Then you have to figure out which one both you and your spouse like, and think will be a good fit for this kid.

Drew and I have been having a hard time coming up with a name for our kid. I have about 4 names that I personally like. The fact that we are both rather indecisive doesn't help the naming matter any. We eventually decided that kids should come pre-tagged with their name. I know that some kids toys will... "Hi, my name is..." and they tell you right there, that's their name! Super simple, no having to decide. Though, naming a kid is probably a lot harder than naming a toy. With toys, you can easily just change their name. Once a day or more if you like! Kids are quite a bit harder to change names.  It would be super easy if they could just tell you themselves.

So come on little boy, tell us your name! 

New Rules

Coming into the world of pregnancy has been a happy occasion, but man, does it come with some new strict eating rules.  I knew starting out that morning sickness would be bad.  I had a sister's experience (who I've taken after in all womanly ways) to prep me for that. But I still don't think I expected it to be this bad. Here's just a few of the new rules I've come to accept as being part of my life now.

1- You will throw up every morning, whether there is something in your stomach or not. Eating something before getting up will not help. Staying in bed for 15 minutes while waking up will not help. It's going to happen no matter what you do.

2- you must eat something ever two hours, or your stomach will start to hurt (a lot!) and you might throw up more if you don't eat.  This is just from hunger.

3- The time to go see the doctor about nausea and vomiting is before you can't keep anything down.  The time to go is before 5pm, when you can no longer keep jello down.

4-  There's some amazing(!) medication out there to help your stomach accept more food, and not get rid of everything you eat or drink. It's called Zofran.  You should take it every morning, so you can eat throughout the rest of the day, no matter how you might feel when you wake up. even if you throw up the liquid you take it with, the pill will stay down, and you'll be happier in the long run. Don't try to tough it out.

5- most of the time, you will be eating like someone who has the flu. As much as you want to eat something that is  more exciting than Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast or a myriad of liquids (jello, broth, ginger ale  apple juice, Gatorade, and of course water. ), think hard before eating it. you could easily end up regretting that decision later. 

Month of thankfulness challenge

This month, I decided to participate in the Facebook November challenge of posting something I am thankful for each day.  I set myself some rules before starting too.  I couldn't use the (in my opinion) cop-out of "I'm thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints"  I guess it isn't really a cop-out, but it felt like it, so I couldn't use it.  And I couldn't skip a day and then post two or three things the next time I posted.  I had to post something each day.  With those two self-inflicted rules, I set about the challenge.

It certainly wasn't always easy, but then, I expected that.  Sometimes I would post something sort of sarcastically, and then try and convince myself that it was true through the day.  And sometimes, it actually worked.  However, sometimes it didn't.

Overall, I'm glad I did it.  It made me really sit there and think about what I could be thankful for that day.  It made me see more about the little things in life.  Focus more on the good.  Which is what we should be doing more often, than just one month out of 12.

Presidential Debate Parties

This is the first year I've actually really been interested in the Presidential debates.  I'm not going to spend this time talking about what I think about it, I'm not that passionate about it. But I had this great idea tonight while in the shower, waiting for enough people to stop watching it online so I could take my turn (without having to wait for too much buffering). Why not have Presidential Debate parties... it will help teach our future kids the importance of these things, and generally make them more fun. Have popcorn and snacks, people over (with some strict rules in place that no one may make comments about how one candidate is right/wrong, how a candidate makes a stupid remark etc.). Why doesn't this happen more often?

Floor Project

 Just starting to take the floor up

 Hurrah!  All the floor is up!

We had been using hand sanders, but were able to borrow a belt sander.  It made the work go so much quicker. 

 Halfway through sanding the floor.  Sorry downstairs neighbours for all the noise!

 Starting to stain, at last

Mostly done... we had to do it in sections so we would actually get it done. 

Finished staining!  just to let it cure and put on the clear coat

The finished product.  Yay!!

A Wife and Mother's Role

In the Family Proclamation, it talks about a mother's role.  A mother is primarily responsible for the nurture of her children.  Loosely speaking a wife and mother is primarily responsible to make sure things in the household run smoothly, and that household needs are taken care of first.  Does this mean that she cannot take care of things outside the home and spend time outside the home?  Not at all.  It just means that is her primary responsibility, and that is what she should be spending time and energy focusing on.
Recently, I've had the "opportunity" to spend quite a bit of time working (8 hours a day for about a week straight), doing lots of hard labor at this job.  It hasn't been my ideal job.  Something that hit me while I've been doing all this working is, I miss the time I could be spending at home taking care of our needs there.  I come home after work so exhausted that I have no energy to take care of our needs at home.
Today is the first day I've had in a long time that I can take care of some much needed business at home, and attending to our needs here.  And it feels amazing.  I like the feeling I have when I can take time and take care of our needs here.  To be that wife that God intends and would like me to become.  It feels good to have the energy to make a fairly nutritious dinner for us, not just throw something together because it sounds easy, or to leave it to Drew to make, because I hurt too much.
As much as I do enjoy working, and enjoy feeling like I can contribute in that way to our lives right now, I also enjoy knowing that when we have children, and I need to stay at home to take care of them, I will be able to enjoy that as well.  It is an AMAZING feeling!

When growing up watching "This old House" isn't a good thing

Somehow, we got it in our heads to take up the linoleum in our kitchen and restore what looks like beautiful hardwood floors underneath.  And all was going well, except for one thing...we're having the hardest time getting all the linoleum up.  We got most of it off, but where the epoxy or whatever it was went down to hold the linoleum down, it has been absolutely horrible.  Well, We'll just use a stripper to get it all off.  That's what they do in the home fix it shows.  It should work, right?  And it does..... almost.  We put it down, but just barely had enough, so it didn't go as far as anticipated.  We should have gotten more (this was at like 1 in the morning, so no where is open to get more).  Well... we'll make it work.  The next day, scraping it up (high on fumes from the stripper), it works great where the stripper was started.  But at the end?  Mmmm... we might get more stripper to help us out.  So where does "This old House" and other fix it up shows come in to play?  I don't think we would have actually done more than just talk about restoring the hardwood floors if we didn't both grow up watching those shows and have a good idea of what we were doing.  We probably wouldn't have even considered more than just talking about it.  Did it help us to know what we were doing?  Yes.  Did it tell us how much work would be involved?  No.  I don't think we expected it to be this much work.  They do make it look so easy on the shows.  But then, they are professionals, and have a whole team working on it... not just two people.  Would I consider doing this project again in the future?  Probably.  Despite how hard it is, the finished product should look good. however, I wouldn't do this in another apartment.  I wouldn't consider doing it until I know i'm in the place we're going to live for the next 10-15+ years.  So those who have grown up watching home fix it shows, beware the strong desires to make improvements to your house.  It probably isn't as easy as it seems.  

Too much is Too much

This semester, I'm taking a lot of classes that require a lot of reading.  I'm realizing that although I enjoy reading, and sometimes even enjoy reading my textbooks, when it's every single class that has only reading homework (okay, except for one class) it gets to be a lot.  As a kid (maybe teen/young adult is a better description), I used to spend hours at a time, reading.  Now, I find that I have other things that I would love to be doing (or that I wouldn't rather do, but that I know need to be done... like dishes)... rather than spending all my time reading.  So when is too much of something too much?  we are told to have moderation in all things.  I'm learning that that comes with learning how to balance out reading for classes too... which is definately a hard thing.  For example, just today, I spent a good 6 or 7 hours doing homework... all of it reading homework for various classes.  I almost miss the days when it was big projects and things that I could divide up and cut into small increments.  when you have whole books to read for one class and another two chapters for another, plus smaller reading assignments for another, its a lot harder to cut it up into pieces and get some variety.  maybe this week has been harder than others, but it seems like that's all i am able to do with my free time any more.  if i'm not seen or heard from for the rest of the semester, don't worry.  i'm probably just buried up to my ears in books and other reading.  i can't wait to be done with the semester to have a little variety

Coming out of the Fall Slump

Every fall, after I get home from school, I fall into a slump, where I don't do much except for go to work.  I do some stuff around the house, but I don't really get out and do much.  I read some, I watch movies (or old TV series) but... life doesn't have much from day to day. I think that since I got married, I had expected that to change.  Sad part is, it didn't.

At work recently, we did a survey about the quality of life for people in a certain area.  One of the questions was a list of reasons that people didn't live a healthy lifestyle.  One of the reasons was "lack of motivation". Out of the whole list, of maybe 10-15 reasons people didn't live a healthy lifestyle, that was one that was picked most often.  I think that most everyone picked it, actually.  Eventually, I started to ask myself some of the same questions that I was asking them, about the quality of my life.  And I came to the same conclusion.  Lack of motivation.

During the school year, I have great motivation.  I'm out doing things, walking around, exploring, exercising both body (generally speaking) and mind.  I enjoy life.

It isn't that I don't enjoy life when I'm not in school.  And this fall, especially being married, hasn't changed that much.  I enjoyed life more this Fall than I did most Falls.  but I realized I fall into the same habits, and I'm not nearly as happy as I am the rest of the year (though cold and snow and no sun doesn't help the matter).

I am so excited for it to be a new year, for the chance to go back to school once again, to get out of the house on a regular basis, and have a reason, and therefore a motivation to go.  If I don't have motivation (besides being stir-crazy) I don't.  I can't wait for it to change. Its an exciting and exhilarating feeling.

pizza bread.

I've made this before, and people have wanted the recipe for it, but i never put it up.  so here it is, finally.  first off, start with a basic bread recipe.  here's the one i use:

Amish White bread

2 cups warm water

2/3 cup white sugar

1 1/2 tablespoon dry yeast

1 1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup oil

6(ish) cups flour

In a large bowl, dissolve the sugar in warm water, then add yeast.  mix salt and oil into the yeast.  mix in flour one cup at a time.  knead dough on a lightly floured surface until smooth.  place in a well oiled bowl, and turn dough until coated in a thin layer of oil.  cover with a damp cloth (i haven't ever used a damp one, and it turns out fine, my roommates all use a damp one, and it turns out fine) and allow to rise until double in size- about 1 hour.  punch down dough.  knead for a few minutes and divide in half.  shape into loaves (i roll them out flat to a rectangle, and then roll them up into a loaf, but just shaping it without rolling it should work fine too), and place into 2 well oiled 9x5 loaf pans.  allow to rise about 30 minutes, or until dough has risen 1 inch above the pan.  bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

make the dough like normal, and bring to the point where you would put it in the bread pans.  once at that point, roll out the dough into a rectangle.  the size is up to you, just remember it will later need to go on a cookie sheet for cooking.  cut slits in the sides, roughly two inches apart.  it makes it easier if the slits on each side are roughly directly across from each other.  next, fill it up.  in this case, we used pizza toppings.  i've also made just sandwich ones, and i also tried a successful apple cinnamon one.  whatever you think sounds like it would go well on this.  next, braid it. it takes some practice, so if it doesn't turn out pretty on your first try, don't be surprised.  :)  let rise for another 30-60 minutes, roughly doubled in size.  then bake according to your bread directions.  enjoy!!

fried green tomatoes

Recipie:

Cornmeal
Salt
Green tomatoes
oil, for frying

mix cornmeal and salt together.  how salty you make it is completely up to you.  i used at most (i just poured some into my hand until it looked like a good amount, and added a bit more later when it wasn't quite enough) two tablespoons to about 1/2 cup of cornmeal (again, sorry, i didn't measure.  i just guessed how much i would need for the tomatoes i was doing).  Wash the tomatoes, and pat dry.  press tomatoes into cornmeal mixture, until thoroughly coated (i should note here, the sides won't ever be coated, they seem to refuse.  this could probably be fixed by first dipping the tomato into an egg, if you like).  fry until cornmeal starts to turn brown.

all in all, its pretty simple.

the history:

On my mission, we had a less active member who never showed up to church again after being baptized.  we would sometimes go and talk to him, to see what was going on in his life, and he would always tell us "sorry sisters, I'm too busy to talk right now" and would then run inside to avoid us.  one night, we decided to stop by when he or his wife wasn't home, and weeded his garden for him, to at least help him be "less busy"  he came home while we were out there weeding, and he joined us for a bit.  his wife came home a short while later, and offered to fix us some dinner, which we accepted.  fried green tomatoes was on the menu for the night (as a side to some just as wonderful hamburgers that she made as well).  I made sure to get the recipie for the tomatoes from her, so i could make them myself one day.  the happy part to the story is that as we were eating, we were able to talk to him about things, and start to help him out again.  he never did make it to church, but he was at least a bit more friendly to us.

how did they turn out?
well, lets just say about half as many tomatoes as i cooked ended up in my stomach, and i had to stop myself from keeping on munching them (though i'll probably continue to munch them throughout the day.  I'll have to make sure to save a couple for drew :) )

Creation

President Dieter F. Uctdorf gave a talk once, in a general Relief Society broadcast about our innate desire to create.  And its true.  All people everywhere have a desire to create, something at least.  Some people desire to create food, others beautiful art, some people children (especially women), but all people have the desire to create something.  Recently, the fact that I'm in a married student ward has hit me harder.  Seeing all the ladies around in various states of pregnancy and child rearing have made me want to create a child of our own.  Knowing that it isn't possible for at least a year (possibly three), sometimes makes it harder, sometimes makes it easier to deal with that desire.  I've had to find other outlets for that desire to create something.  food has been the most prominent outlet, though unfortunately, it has been in the form of deserts and sweets.  Trying to change that to healthy delicious meals for us has been hard pressed (though it has manifested itself every once in a while).  The other fact that I am now unemployed and no longer in school, its given me insane amounts of time.  trying to create a clean home i thought would take more time than it really has (though one room will still take a good amount of time).  All I need now is a better balance between the two.  I've discovered i like to do one or the other.   But it is still a lot of fun to learn to do, and to learn to better fulfill my new role as a wife.

finding the blance

WARNING:  this is pure rambling about things, with no coherency to it.  sorry if this doesn't make any sense.
Married life is great.  Is it what I thought it would be?  honestly, I'm not sure.  I wans't sure what to expect in the fist place, so how can i know if it met those expectations.  there are great parts, there are parts that take some adjusting, but for the most part, its been good.  i enjoy it.
learning to accept that I have a husband who loves to do things, that can be hard sometimes.  finding the balance between being independant, and wanting to do everything for him, and letting him do things for me, its been the hardest thing to adjust to.  i love that he loves to cook, and wants to make dinner.  i need to learn to accept that, and not feel horrible when he does it while i don't notice, doing homework.  on the one hand, i'm glad he has the thought, and does it for me.  on the other, i almost feel like i'm neglecting my duties as a wife.  especially when he is in school, and i am to be supporting him in that endevor.  on the other hand, i've found ways to help him out also.  making sure to keep the dishes clean, and the house in somewhat orderly manner (which has been interesting, with fixing and building bikes, and other homework strewed across the living room).  learning to find a balance, and let him share in the work... its what needs to happen, and something i need to let happen.  

the realization

as the day of the wedding creeps steadily closer, I ask myself each day "am i really ready for this?  can i really be a wife and a future mother?  can i meet those needs? (along with the question what the heck am i doing?)"  as much as i know i want it, it seems like the impossible.
and then it came to me.
what i want, is to just be done with school, and have a family of my own.  the sound of children's voices, the sound of small feet running through the kitchen and living room, the hugs and kisses, the holding of small hands... its what i want.  I have a whole slew of fears that go along with it, and probably will until it comes, and even past that.  but i want to try my hand at it.
sadly, school being done is still a long ways off.  classes yet to be taken, many many internship hours yet to fill.  but as soon as possible thereafter, the idea of having children of our own, with his amazing red hair and blue eyes, will be the ultimate joy.  

the fruit craving

all month, since moving back here, i've been stuck with having only apples, and them sparingly.

the problem with being a student, is that your food budget is only so big, and fruit costs so much.  especially in the winter.  it always sticks me with a problem, every winter.  the desire for fresh raspberries and peaches, and being stuck with frozen or (in peaches at least) canned.  and although they are still good, and still meet the need i have for fruit, it just doesn't taste the same.

as i'm getting married, i think to myself, "how likely am i to acutually be able to can my own fruits?"  i know that it is something i do enjoy doing.  and i know that it is possible (given the right type of stove), and can be done in small batches.  but will i actually get around to doing it?

though, canning also requires lots of time, and a fair investment into the fruit (or vegetables) being canned (yes, even in season).  as a student, or, as two students, both are somewhat harder to come by.  though they do make for nice saturday activities.

meanwhile, i'll just sit and dream of spring, when fruit is in season, and when i can get my one thing of rasperries for the season, and enjoy it.

Engagment

Being engaged is not quite how i thought.  There is a whole lot more stress involved in planning the whole thing than i remembered from my sisters weddings, and a whole lot more to think about that i realized.  maybe its just because my sister is planning this, and has been working on planning this for the last who knows how many years.  I've also discovered that I can't think about all the plans too much, or I stress myself out more than is healthy for me.  it is really lame that there is such a distance involved too.

there are a lot of nice things about it too.  knowing that i won't ever have to say good-bye to him again is definitely a plus, and something i am looking forward to.  it also means that in the future (long in the future at this point) i know we'll be able to have a family, and i'll be able to have kids of my own.  I love Jen's kids, and they are much like my own, but having my own is something I've long looked forward to (yes, it is something i wanted, even while planning my hermiting in the woods).

it will all work out eventually.  i just have to remember to take this one day at a time, and not try and plan everything all at once.

Untitled

She could feel the stress and frustrations of the last few days building and growing with each additional failed call.    In all reality, the job wasn't hard, but it seemed impossible with each passing minute of failure, hitting hard and strong.  she worked hard not to take her knife to the favorite spot it likes to go on her forearm, instead, working on taking deep and even breaths, drinking large amounts of water.  She cringes every time the manager walks by her chair, just waiting for the time he says "You have to go, you still aren't doing well enough."  Painfully, she sits still, bursting with energy, wanting to let it all out, but not knowing how it will go.  The knife sits in her pocket, calling her, pleading to be used to let out the energy bottled up inside.  Forcefully, she tries to think of something else, anything else, hoping beyond hope that the moment will pass, pleading with God to let this moment pass.  And slowly, minute by creeping minute, it does.  Then she goes home, the frustration kept in, and no one at home any the wiser as to what has been going on inside.  No one knowing about the struggle, the personal battle.  And still, the knife waits, calling in her pocket, longing to be used.

Austrailian Mimi Dolls

I helped out at Red Butte Gardens on Saturday.

Getting there was an adventure.  First off, it was raining hard.  so it was kind of hard to see road signs as is.  Secondly, I was driving somewhere I'd never driven before, so that was interesting.  I had directions in one hand, trying to make sure that I was going the right place, and venturing to the opposite side of the valley.  Thirdly, I was driving through a part of the freeway that people who have a lot of experience driving there get lost in.  it was exciting, to say the least.

It was great fun, once I got there, and I ended up learning a lot.  I ended up visiting Australia.  We made Austrailian Mimi Dolls, based off the Aboriginal Mimi spirits.  I learned they are spirits, and some are good, and help people learn to make fire, and to hunt Kangaroos.  Some are bad, and ate people.  We just made them out of cloths pins, but in real life, they are much bigger than that.

They also had some fun instruments.  they had those cool wood frogs that sound like a real frog when you rub them.  they had a digeridoo, too, which was fun.  I tried to play it, and it sounded okay.  not like it really should. i could get it sounding kind of right, but it didn't sound at all like it should.

Overall, it was a blast.  I wish I was able to help out more of the days.  Sadly, I'm working nights, and this does, of course, take place at night.