Creation

President Dieter F. Uctdorf gave a talk once, in a general Relief Society broadcast about our innate desire to create.  And its true.  All people everywhere have a desire to create, something at least.  Some people desire to create food, others beautiful art, some people children (especially women), but all people have the desire to create something.  Recently, the fact that I'm in a married student ward has hit me harder.  Seeing all the ladies around in various states of pregnancy and child rearing have made me want to create a child of our own.  Knowing that it isn't possible for at least a year (possibly three), sometimes makes it harder, sometimes makes it easier to deal with that desire.  I've had to find other outlets for that desire to create something.  food has been the most prominent outlet, though unfortunately, it has been in the form of deserts and sweets.  Trying to change that to healthy delicious meals for us has been hard pressed (though it has manifested itself every once in a while).  The other fact that I am now unemployed and no longer in school, its given me insane amounts of time.  trying to create a clean home i thought would take more time than it really has (though one room will still take a good amount of time).  All I need now is a better balance between the two.  I've discovered i like to do one or the other.   But it is still a lot of fun to learn to do, and to learn to better fulfill my new role as a wife.

the realization

as the day of the wedding creeps steadily closer, I ask myself each day "am i really ready for this?  can i really be a wife and a future mother?  can i meet those needs? (along with the question what the heck am i doing?)"  as much as i know i want it, it seems like the impossible.
and then it came to me.
what i want, is to just be done with school, and have a family of my own.  the sound of children's voices, the sound of small feet running through the kitchen and living room, the hugs and kisses, the holding of small hands... its what i want.  I have a whole slew of fears that go along with it, and probably will until it comes, and even past that.  but i want to try my hand at it.
sadly, school being done is still a long ways off.  classes yet to be taken, many many internship hours yet to fill.  but as soon as possible thereafter, the idea of having children of our own, with his amazing red hair and blue eyes, will be the ultimate joy.